Larry Blasko said

2010-04-29T23:08:00.002-04:00

Arizona Immigration Fuss Solved

Here’s a simple solution to the fuss about Arizona’s recently passed illegal immigration legislation – make Mexico take the state back.

It was once part of a dictator-run Mexico and making Mexico take it back would be justice and then some.

Concerns about Mexican nationals crossing into Arizona illegally would disappear. It is perfectly legal for Mexicans to move from one state to another.

True, there would be some concern about Arizonans who aren’t of Mexican or Hispanic heritage trying to cross the borders into California, Utah, Nevada, Colorado or New Mexico. But those states could just pass laws empowering police to demand identity papers of anyone who looked Arizonian.

While difficult to describe exactly, looking Arizonian would be enough for police in those states to demand identity papers.

It would be hard for Arizonians to complain. They’ve established a precedent.

As with any good idea, there are some possible glitches.

First, although it is settled and established that seceding from the United States doesn’t work, nothing in the Constitution says member states can’t evoke the Eeew! Yuck! powers not reserved to the federal government and give a member state the boot. We would be breaking new ground if the 49 other states decided that having defeated Hitler and Stalin once, we didn’t need to give their spirits a new foothold in Arizona.

Second, Mexico may not want Arizona. After all, citizens wander around with guns strapped to their bodies, Sheriff Joe Arpaio gets off on male prisoners wearing pink undies and the state has given us both Barry Goldwater and John McCain.

Goldwater taught us that extremism in defense of liberty is no vice. McCain taught us that extremism in service of getting elected is Sarah Palin, but doesn’t always work.

Still, it ought to be possible for the United States to pressure Mexico into accepting Arizona back into Estados Unidos Mexicanos. The drug cartels that actually run that country would be getting a huge new domestic market, plus shortening their cross-border delivery routes for a win-win.

If all else fails, we always have the option of keeping Arizona just as it is. After all, it contains our biggest desert, our biggest canyon and our biggest jerks.

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2010-02-22T23:14:00.003-05:00

Warning! Failure to Warn

Causes Common Sense!

You know you’re old if you can remember when government just governed, enforcing the laws and otherwise letting you go your slovenly, ill-considered way in peace.

Back then, you had to call your mother or get married if you wanted a stream of unsolicited advice. Now it comes at every turn, and a groups of doctors wants more of it, noting that the national government that warns us against tobacco, alcohol, cholesterol and countless other perils has shockingly failed to warn us about hot dogs.

Not the nutrition stuff. All hot dog packages already admit their nutritional contents in the confidence that hot dog eaters have already decided that nutrition be damned, they want something that tastes good.

No, the shocking oversight recently revealed is that failure to chew a big bite of hot dog can choke a kid. And the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) wants something done about it – a warning label, or maybe a redesign of the hot dog.

After all, the government already warns about small objects on toys and other products that could be choking hazards. Why not warn parents of the roughly 57 million children under the age of fourteen about hot dogs? Doesn’t the government know that 77 a year of those 57 million kids (.00000367 percent) choke to death on food, some of it a hot dog?

Although raw carrots, grapes, nuts and other foods can cause choking, the hot dog is the focus of AAP concern. They are doctors, after all, and triage is part of the job.

Once hot dogs carry appropriate warning labels or are redesigned, we can move on to other pressing issues being ignored by government at all levels:

* One hundred percent of babies born in the United States will eventually die, according to the government’s own statistics, but there is no federal, state or local mandate calling for appropriate warnings on birth certificates.

* Except in rare cases involving capital punishment, the government compounds its failure to tell citizens they are going to die by also not telling them when, where or how.

Those are but two of the most compelling examples of government failing to warn its citizens against every possible hazard. It is only thanks to the groups like the AAP and the media that we are able to tell our federal government to stop worrying about the economy, terrorism, wars and other distractions and get busy on hot dogs.

We should also give the AAP and media a round of applause – after, of course, warning that sudden, loud and sustained noise has been identified as a cause of deafness.

Not to mention dumbness.

###

2010-02-06T23:25:00.003-05:00

DADT to DOOFUS – and other recent notes on humanity’s progress

President Obama and the nation’s two top military leaders have called for an end to the policy that prevents gay Americans from joining the armed forces to give their lives so tribal thugs in Iraq and Afghanistan can beat their wives in peace.

In calling for an end to the years-old military policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT), the administration moves to bring gay Americans squarely under the decades-old policy of DOOFUS (“Do Obey Orders From Us”).

Although not a household word in its military connotation, our DOOFUS defense policy has a list of clear achievements:

* DOOFUS-led thinking overcame many daunting obstacles to eliminate weapons of mass destruction from Saddam Hussein’s Iraq, not the least of which being there weren’t any WMDs to eliminate.

* DOOFUS thinking made us oust the Taliban from much of Afghanistan, freeing the people from the control of religious zealots and allowing them to return to their simple agrarian ways as the world’s largest producer of opium.

That gay Americans could one day openly be a part of these and similar chapters in our nation’s history would be a turning point. One can only hope that having mastered the art of turning, we could together approach the holy mystery of which direction.

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IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL as global citizens learned that both former Vice President Al Gore and current terrorist Osama Bin Laden have some common ground. Both are concerned about global warming, which Bin Laden blamed on industrialized nations in a recent rant. Actually both men also share a high regard for the late Alfred Nobel – Gore because he earned the peace prize created in Nobel’s will and Bin Laden because he appreciates the dynamite Nobel invented. Pairing the two prominent figures on the world stage might have created more of a buzz, but Washington and most of the East Coast chattering classes were busy shoveling repeated foot-deep doses of global warming.

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R.I.P. MASSACHUSETTS PURITANISM – Republicans who snorted indignantly for decades over the reputed private amorous dalliances of the late Senator Ted Kennedy certainly showed a different way and their true moral compass when they nominated – and their fellow citizens elected – Scott Brown to fill Kennedy’s seat. Brown, who posed nude for Cosmopolitan, is not only a senator with nothing to hide, but is very clearly on the record hiding nothing.

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2010-01-12T20:24:00.002-05:00

Brain-Soaking Slogans

For Teabaggers

In an outreach to intellectuals, leaders of the conservative Teabag Movement in American politics want to expand their debate terms beyond “Nazi!” and “Socialist!” to include slogans – “something that can soak into your head,” one explained.

So as a public service, (Sorry! No Offense Intended!) here are slogans that members of the Teabag movement can embrace, as long as they use only their right arms. Critics who say the right-only policy indicates half-embraced intellects are Nazis or Socialists anyway.

If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It.

If God had intended for things to feel good on this Earth, then there wouldn’t be any point to Heaven, would there? Feeling good on this Earth is like trying to peek under the Skirts of the Hereafter, and you know where that gets you, don’t you?

Don’t Trust Anyone Who Can Count To 30

A man’s head is lots clearer when it isn’t chock full of all those don’t-do-a-damn-thing knowledges. A clear head makes the right decisions, after all, and in the Teabag Movement the clearest head wins.

Keep On Truckin’

Many Teabaggers are also members of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, and we all want them to Keep on Truckin’ and never mind none of that crap about green railroads and local production from those Socialists and Nazis with their tendencies hanging out there in the open, you betcha.

Make War, Not Love

You can make war in public without getting arrested. See what happens if you’re doing the Other Thing out there in broad daylight for God’s sake. They ain’t called Piece Officers for nothin’ you know.

Turn Off, Tune Out, Drop In

Those Leftist Mainstream Media boys just won’t quit, so you quit on them first. Turn Off that TV set if it ain’t on Fox, Tune Out all that crap about facts and Drop In on Rush or Glenn or Sarah whenever you can get them on the pickup’s radio, fer sure.

People To The Power

What we need is strong, upstanding folk to support and take care of the rest of us who don’t want to worry about that stuff , and it’s our duty to support them any old which way we can, you betcha.

Fer sure.

###

2010-01-10T23:05:00.002-05:00

GOP’s Steele Dem’s Man of Year?

No comments came from Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele over the weekend on the possibility of him being named Democrat of The Year.

Observers pointed to Steele’s prediction that Democrats would retain control of the House in 2010 as just the latest in his long string of boosts to the Democratic Party. “We need to rally the faithful to avoid a typical mid-term slump,” one knowledgeable Democrat said “and Michael’s comments are typically just the medicine we need.”

Grateful Democrat operatives were anxious to make certain Steele’s important work for the party got appropriate recognition. They pointed to the surprise release –at least to many Republican officials – of Steele’s book, “Right Now: A 12-Step Program for Defeating the Obama Agenda.”

In previous mid-term campaigns, developing talking points against the Republicans was long, hard and expensive for Democrats. Now they’re getting them neatly packaged in a book available for less than $20.

Example from Steele’s book: “Enough of complaining about big government when we’re out of power, but embracing big government when we’re in power.” No Democrat could have said it better, but lots and lots of Democrats are sure to say it over and over.

Not content to merely speak for the Democratic agenda, Steele has been exemplary in using his personal actions to highlight Democrat’s view that the greatest Republican value is Look Out For Number One.

Steele is charging as much as $20,000 to make a speech, perhaps to supplement the paltry $223,500 annual salary he’s getting from the GOP in part to make speeches. Of course he’s entitled to earn a little money on the side, unlike most getting unemployment benefits, some Republicans say.

Thank You Lord! is what many Democrats then say.

Although Democrats’ gratitude for Steele’s contributions to the party runs deep, it was unclear whether or not a Democrat of The Year award would actually be offered the GOP chairman. Steele, after all, has invited potentially disgruntled GOP leaders to fire him if they’ve got problems with the way he’s running the GOP.

Some Democrats wonder whether giving him the Democrat of the Year award would be just too blatant, even for Steele. “Michael Steele’s the best donkey Democrats could hope for,” one observer said. “Let’s not get our cart in front of that ass!”

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2010-01-07T23:06:00.000-05:00

Boomers Become Pop(s)

Baby boomers who once drove America’s economy, defined its culture and ruled its politics don’t boom much anymore.

Oh, maybe an occasional pop, but that’s probably just a complaining back joint.

We’ve moved from “Don’t trust anyone over 30!” to “Don’t trust anyone under 30!” and now are heading towards “Sir, please count back from 30 by 3s.”

Our working memory isn’t measured in megabytes, but in inches of available space on the refrigerator door, where live the doctors’ appointments, pictures of grandchildren, grocery lists and anything that seems important to us.

Sometimes the importance of lists rises dramatically when we arrive at the grocery store and remember we forgot to take them. Sometimes not so much when we take the list and forget to go to the grocery store.

But some things still have their old allure. Travel, for instance. Not only do senior discounts make the airfare more affordable, but security concerns make it more enjoyable. When else is someone not a doctor going to pat our bottom or scope our bod?

And eating out remains a pleasure, again with substantial senior discounts. After all, most of us bring our own first course in a little pill box.

Our music endures as well, although seeing the Rolling Stones totter through “Start Me Up!” or “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” has acquired a new poignancy. And it’s probably not the answer blowing in the wind when the crematory misadjusted its flue.

Our political leaders have been a mixed bag. Bill Clinton was a hands-on president – just ask Monica Lewinsky. George Bush was a hands-off president – just ask President Cheney. President Obama, meanwhile, isn’t part of the Boomers – he just follows behind that parade scoop and shovel in hand.

Still, given the chance, we’d do it all again – which is probably why the coming changes to health care address end-of-life issues.

The kids are worried that we might do it again!

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2010-01-06T00:03:00.000-05:00

Fee, Fie, Flu, F*%$#!

Influenza is a great democratic leveler, since it visits all – except perhaps the denizens of our national security operation, who get all the symptoms but can’t connect the dots to call it flu.

Which should make me feel better, but doesn’t, even if a terribly earnest President Barack Obama was pushing the connect-the-dots theory this evening. He was trying to explain what he intends to do about a whacko with explosive underwear getting on a Detroit-bound airliner, unmolested by any except his fellow passengers who declined to die that day.

Seems we knew the guy was half a bubble off plumb – after all, his father had said so. And we even knew that his country of origin was chock full of folks whose dislike for us was decidedly explosive. Literally.

But that wasn’t cause for concern because we had a system in place, just like I had a flu shot in place. Well, neither the flu shot nor the system worked.

Now I’ll probably survive the flu, unless family tires of hearing me complain. And the United States will probably survive the failed terror attempt.

But neither event is proof against a new challenge. So here, without charge, some suggestions that might at least help the government’s terrorism effort”

· Profile, profile, then profile some more. Pretty much all of us would rather have the government dealing with a dozen discrimination lawsuits than a few hundred bodies. Yes, we’ve all seen cartoons about patting down Granny while waving Abdul Al-Boom-Boom through security, but like all generalizations, it contains a kernel of truth. Kernels these days are explosive.

· Whack back. Yemen, where the latest nut job boarded the plane, is run as a corrupt family enterprise and the rest of the country (and world) be damned. We’re sending lots of aid to Yemen. That should be stopped. The thugs currently in charge may not understand human rights, but they understand bank balances just fine. And those who whine that fiscal revenge will cause us to lose influence in Arab countries should contemplate what kind of influence we might lose from countries whose citizens seem anxious to blow us up.

Of course, when I recover from the flu and stop being so cranky, I’ll probably stop saying things like this. And when the hubbub passes, the government will probably go back to the way things were.

And so will the terrorists. They hate us, they want us dead and they are determined to cause it. They at least have clear goals and flexible tactics focused on the objective.

Why don’t we?

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2010-01-04T00:06:00.002-05:00

DAD Will Take Care of It

Reacting to an embarrassing string of security breaches including the attempted bombing of a Detroit-bound flight, the Obama administration today announced a new Cabinet-level Department of Advanced Denial (DAD), tasked with getting the administration’s excuses out in front of potentially embarrassing events.

President Obama announced the initiative Sunday at an impromptu press conference after the First Family’s last visit to sample the famous Hawaiian delicacy of shaved, flavored ice. The President took advantage of the venue as a Teachable Moment.

“Just as flavored, shaved ice is insubstantial, easily anticipated and fleeting, so will the new group of patriots at DAD be,” the president said while slurping a mocha-vanilla-chocolate-banana-cherry ice treat.

Although President Obama declined to answer repeated reporters’ queries about a possible head of the proposed department, informed sources who demanded that they not be identified on account of jobs being hard to come by said longtime administration confidant Laurentias Ignatius Edward Sills had the inside track. “LIES has been the go-to guy in many a tough situation and he’s widely considered to be ideal for this assignment,” said one source.

President Obama said the proposed DAD department would work to get plausible denials out in advance of any negative events, thereby reducing negative publicity from reporters demanding government responses. ”This is just part of our stated goals of being ahead of or on top of events,” the president told reporters. “That we’re going to screw up is obviously a given, but that we’ve had the foresight to create an agency to issue our denials in advance is something the American people can count on in the trying days ahead.”

Insiders who declined to be identified for this report said the DAD department would work to be in front of any potential demands for administration accountability by monitoring intelligence.

“Suppose the National Intelligence Estimate says the crazies are going to blow up the Washington Monument on Tuesday?” one insider explained.”DAD would be all over the airways on Monday explaining how the Obama administration had done everything humanly possible to protect our national monuments.”

Asked if it might not be easier to simply arrest any persons suspected of plotting attacks on the United States, the insider scoffed “that would be profiling, and that’s illegal—you know, like saying that Muslim extremists hate the United States and everything it stands for and have a decades-long track record of trying to harm all U.S. interests.”

Asked if that might not be generally true, the insider became quite agitated. “True! True! What’s all this with True? We’re talking government policy here, not True! That’s why the Department of Advanced Denial (DAD) will be so important in this administration’s efforts to get ahead of the reality curve.”

Asked to assess the administration progress so far on getting ahead of the reality curve, the insider relaxed a bit and confided “We’re winning – I gotta tell ‘ya, we’re winning.”

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2009-12-31T23:29:00.002-05:00

2009 Was Hardly Fine

Ah, 2009, we hardly knew Ye – which, in retrospect, was just as well.

After all, you were the year in which it was a national imperative to bail out the stock markets, which bailed so nicely they had their best year since 2003. Of course, the little folks along the way who lost jobs in the worst times since the Great Depression didn’t do so well, but 2009 wasn’t a year for the little folks.

There was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in 2009 for the average American. Gold prices went through the roof, production costs for rainbows became prohibitive, and the pot was repossessed when the little folks fell behind in the payments.

But it would be wrong of the little folk to resent the bankers and stock speculators for their taxpayer-funded success and bonuses. They followed the time-honored principle for sinking ships of “Women and children first!” into the lifeboats. They just interpreted it as a good way to lighten ship so that bankers and speculators could be spared wet feet.

Yet there were successes in 2009. The advisors who worried at the year’s start that newly-sworn President Barrack Obama needed to look more human by making some mistakes are entitled to hoist a “Mission Accomplished” banner. Perhaps they can borrow a barely used one at the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

Tiger Woods, who had redefined so much of golf, redefined the term “extra hole.” It had been a final hole played in sudden death to determine a tie-breaker. Woods expanded that to those played at the risk of sudden death when the one you married found out about the rest of the course and grabbed a nine-iron.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford entered linguistic history when he pioneered the antonym to the phrase “take a hike!” most often used by young women to reject male advances. Thanks to Sanford, those told to “take a hike” have hope of hearing a reversal in “let’s hike the Appalachian trail.” Sanford’s genius was in demonstrating that the only hiking involved could be limited to skirts and that the properly viewed Appalachian trail started in Argentina.

Republican Party Chairman Michael Steel earned the “L’Etat –C’est Moi!” (I Am The State) award named in honor of Louis XIVth of France when he charged as much as $20,000 as an “inspirational speaker” as opposed to the speeches he’s supposed to make as GOP chairman. Critics in the Free vs. Fee debate on Steele talking suggest $20,000 is indeed inspirational, if only for the speaker collecting the fee.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s devotion to Mad Magazine Alfred E. Neuman’s “What, Me Worry?” philosophy earned her accolades for announcing that the security system “worked” when it allowed a single guy without baggage, paying cash, to board an international flight while wearing a high-explosive codpiece. Speculation is that as soon as the fuss peters out, Napolitano will explore other elements of work -- as in elsewhere, pronto.

“Cash For Clunkers,” meant to stimulate American automakers by providing cash incentives for consumers trading in gas guzzlers discovered that consumers were incented all right – to buy foreign-made cars. This program should not be confused with taxpayers bailing out the America automakers who made the old cars in the first place. That one is titled “Dumb Clucks Giving Cash.”

And, of course, Congress closed the year deeply divided on Health Care Reform, a plan that would provide the public at large health care benefits as generous in some respects as those enjoyed by members of Congress and their staffs. The angst is understandable – how do you know you’re an elite if the benefits you enjoy are also available to the folks who elected you?

Best wishes to all for a better 2010 – but don’t make any bets on it.

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2009-12-27T22:24:00.002-05:00

All Systems Go! (Or Stop, Or. . .)

“And one thing I’d like to point out is that the system worked.” – Janet Napolitano, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, after a terrorist’s bomb failed to explode on a Detroit-bound jet.

“Great system, Janet Baby!” -- Osama Bin Laden, master terrorist vowing to stop hiring explosives experts trained by Homeland Security.

Federal authorities have charged a Nigerian man with terrorism after an explosive he smuggled aboard a jet bound from Europe to Detroit burned instead of exploding, but no charges have been filed against the Obama administration bureaucrats who let him fly in the first place.

Nor have charges been filed against the “security” teams in Nigeria and Europe who let a 20-something guy with no checked luggage buy a ticket with cash and board a U.S.-bound jetliner with a six-inch tube of explosive and a chemical-filled syringe.

Nor have charges been filed against the system-loving bureaucrats at the U.S. embassy in Nigeria who didn’t do much after they heard this guy’s father warn that his son was an incipient nut case who seemed to hate Americans and belong to the radical Islamist fringe.

In all of these cases, everyone was just doing their job in a working system.

So Janet Napolitano may be right that the system worked, but maybe we ought to think about a different system. Our responses to terrorists with this one haven’t been stellar.

Richard Reid tried to blow up a Miami-bound jetliner in 2001 with a similar explosive in his shoe. Our final threat response was to make everyone take off their shoes before going through airline passenger screening.

Since Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to set off a bomb hidden in his pants, perhaps our final response will be to make everyone take off their pants before entering the metal detector.

That could be effective, since the sight of millions of Americans trying to travel barefoot and bareass might so distract the terrorists that they wouldn’t have time to find another place to put a bomb. Or buy one that works.

However this all sorts out, it will certainly be interesting. Will Janet Napolitano stick with her working system? Will Osama Bin Laden finally hire someone who knows something about explosives?

Stay tuned. The program, alas, is far from over.

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2009-12-24T18:17:00.003-05:00

A Visit From Congress

T’was The Day Before Christmas

T’was the Day Before Christmas, and up on The Hill

The Senate was met to consider a bill,

A bill to fix Health Care, a bill that would pump it,

A bill that Republicans roared “We must dump it!”

“That bill would let paupers with lumps in their heads,

“Or sweating and shaking with fever in beds,

“Be treated by doctors, be folks just like us!”

“Oh, my goodness gracious, we must raise a fuss!”

From Rush, Glenn and Sarah arose such a clatter,

That wavers of tea bags quite mad as a hatter,

Would protest a bill that said spending for health,

Should not be a privilege restricted to wealth.

The Goons of the Right with their feverish chant,

Tried to turn “Yes We Can!” into “Hell No We Can’t!”

But to their great wonder and great Right Wing Fear,

A consensus of sense just began to appear.

With Harry Reid steering and cracking the whip,

And buying back those who might think to jump ship,

With politics stolen from “Let’s Make A Deal!”

Health Care at least, began to seem real.

“Now Nelson! now Baucus! Now Schumer and Tester!

“On Boxer! On Franken! On Feinstein and Specter!

“To a 60-vote cloture! To an end to this stall!

“Now vote away! Vote away! Vote away all!

As politics’ bubbles all end with small pops,

Especially thoughts unenhanced by brewed hops,

So straight into passage the Health Care bill flew,

With 39 nays, but 60 Woo Hoo!

The next step’s a conference of Senate and House,

To iron out kinks so there’s nothing to grouse,

And nothing to sneer at and nothing to hate,

In a health care reform that’s at least decades late.

And then in each chamber a vote half-plus-one

Is next-step in doing the job to be done.

Then White House for signing and reform at last

It finally gets done, but it sure wasn’t fast!

Now Right Wingers growl, and they bristle like thistle

About helping others except with a missile.

But health reform’s coming, don’t doubt it one bit.

And for those who can’t stand it, “Hey Fellas -- Tough Shit!”

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2009-12-23T00:06:00.003-05:00

Good Government Chicago Style

Citizens concerned about the expense of government should take a look at Chicago’s solution tomorrow, a new approach that doesn’t involve city officials selling public offices, souls or much of anything else, at least officially.

Chicago is shutting down on Christmas Eve to save money. Except for police, fire and other essential services, the thousands of city officials on Chicago’s payroll won’t work tomorrow and they won’t get paid. (At least by the city – whether or not Chicago’s organized crime network would observe the no-pay rule for its own list of city officials was unclear.)

Because the city government will also be closed for the Christmas holiday, Chicagoans will have 48 hours without the benefits – or expenses – of government as they have come to know it. It’s an idea with possibilities.

For example, no-show city workers still won’t show at the jobs granted by their political patrons, but they won’t get paid. That brings both a savings and increased productivity, since it now takes less paid non-work to do nothing than it did before.

Beyond essential public safety services, only a few other absolutely vital functions will continue without interruption. Chicago’s deceased who are concerned about the continuity of their voting records can rest easy that they’ll continue to be good, if otherwise undemanding, citizens.

Other cities, as well as state and federal governments should pay close attention to the Chicago experiment. Shutting down non-essential government for one day a week allows taxpayers to save 14-20 percent of payroll expenses.

Suppose the Department of State shut down for one day a week. It would issue no statements, position papers or protests. The hands or other body parts of oil-producing nations wouldn’t get kissed, threats wouldn’t be made, bluffs called or situations deplored.

The betting is that most taxpayers wouldn’t notice a bit of difference. As for the foreigners the Department of State is supposed to keep in line, our enemies would still hate us and our allies would still line up for handouts – but the difference is it would cost us less.

See, everyone wins!

The same benefits could be considered for the IRS, the courts, Congress, the White House and their counterparts at the state level. Yes, it’s true that for Congress to cut back to a four-day workweek it would first have to increase to a five-day stint, but that’s a technical detail and shouldn’t distort the big picture.

As Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley (the first one) said “Good government is good politics.”

His son the mayor might think about saying “Less government is good politics – and cheaper, too.”

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2009-12-21T00:01:00.002-05:00

Republican Rebirth Ideas

With dreaded health-care reform looming in spite of their objections, Republicans need a comeback agenda based on their strengths as a bunch of rich, repressed, elderly white guys.

Here are some Old Value-based rebirth initiatives restated for renewed consideration. (We don’t consider new values – we’re Republicans, remember?)

INCREASE ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX ED awareness by holding a series of public workshops. The party is loaded with natural speakers here – South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, Nevada Sen. John Ensign, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, all of who have abstained from the monotony of married sex. Besides, all three men have contributions to make in other areas. Sanford’s trysts with an Argentinean could be cited as part of the GOP’s outreach for the Hispanic vote. Ensign’s employing his lover’s hubby then later helping him get another job would be perfect as an example of trickle-down economics. Vitter could become the GOP poster boy in the campaign for privacy in telephone communication.

REACH ACROSS RACIAL DIVIDES by hiring famous persons from real life to tell how they reached out to other races. A good example would be multiracial Tiger Woods, who might be hired to explain the cross-racial benefits of his vigorous outreach with women not his wife. With word on the street that some of Tiger’s sponsors are jumping ship, he also might be persuaded to do double duty as an Abstinence-Only speaker since he seems to have abstained from any love interest other than Caucasians.

INCREASE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES by hiring full-time agents whose job it is to keep RNC chairman Michael Steele away from mirrors and so create time he might devote to boosting the party. Other agents could work on psychological campaigns, convincing the wing of the GOP that likes to wave tea bags that tea is really a Communist drink, the favorite beverage of Russians, and that real Americans wave full cups of coffee. The boost to the dry-cleaning and laundry detergent industries would be immense.

REACH OUT TO THE RESENTFUL who are tired of all those goody two-shoes folks who finished school lording it over real Americans. Accept Sarah Palin for what she is on any given day. Her followers do, because they know that even if her positions on Tuesday are exactly opposite her positions on Monday, they were still Sarah’s Positions and that’s all they need to know. Or want to know. Or can know. But if your five-gallon bucket is full and my one-pint bucket is full, we’re both carrying full buckets and are equals, right?

You betcha.

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2009-12-18T00:01:00.002-05:00

Week-Before-Christmas Newscake

Fruity little bits from the week-before-Christmas newscake, in which another senator with insurance ties opposes health care reform on principle (honest!), the U.S. lags in suicides, spy drones supply the Taliban and Al Qaeda with home movies and New York City seeks to bring art really up close and personal.

Mean Spirited folk accused Connecticut’s (technically) independent Senator Joe Lieberman of opposing health care reform because of ties to the insurance industry. Heck no, he’s doing it on principle, just like the latest Democrat holdout, Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, who has reservations about abortion funding. Those objections are absolutely unrelated to his pre-politics work experience, here quoted verbatim from his web site:

“Following his time as a student, Nelson enjoyed a successful career in insurance law. He served as CEO of the Central National Insurance Group, as chief of staff and executive vice president of the National Association of Insurance Commissioners, and as director of the Nebraska Department of Insurance.”

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Distracted Art Viewers may be too busy with other things to truly appreciate the artwork, but the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene is looking for a new package design on the condoms it distributes. About 40 million condoms a year go to The City That Never Sleeps, perhaps explaining why. If you feel your design is truly seminal, you have until January 22 to enter it here.

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Equal Opportunity Marches On with word from the Shady Lady Ranch, one of Nevada’s 24 legal brothels, that it may hire a male prostitute. Seems the state has approved a method of making sure male service providers are healthy, but the county still has to give its blessings. While the recession hasn’t exactly laid the brothel business flat on its back, the hope is that adding males will bring revenue spikes.

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A transparent and open administration doesn’t seem to be a problem for the Obama folks, at least in the areas of national security. In the last four weeks, the Transportation Security Administration’s airport security manual was leaked to the internet, including color specimen IDs of those allowed to carry weapons aboard aircraft. Earlier we had the party crashers at Obama’s first state dinner. Now we learn that insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan are watching the unencrypted videos from the drone aircraft sent to spy on them. Did no one in Washington wonder why all the villagers seemed to be waving all the time?

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Remember Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction? Seems British intelligence was sharing with U.S. counterparts that Saddam had the weapons and could deploy them on 45 minutes’ notice. Turns out that the source for that hot intelligence was an Iraqi taxi driver retelling a conversation he remembered overhearing in the back seat of his cab some two years earlier. Newsweek has details here.

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U.S. lags on suicides according to information released by the Organizations for Economic Cooperation and Development. Roughly ten of every 100,000 Americans kill themselves, far behind Korea, Hungary, Japan and Finland, where the rate per 100,000 runs around 21 to 18. Check out the data here. Although the report doesn’t say, some speculate that fewer Americans opt for Final Checkout than other countries because the current U.S. health care system beats them to the punch. This speculation draw outrage from bootstrap conservatives who are appalled that the U.S. lags in any international category and enraged that government plays any part – even neglect – in what should be a private matter.

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2009-12-16T00:02:00.002-05:00

Santa’s Congressional Stocking List

Oh Ho! Ho! No! Coal Futures Soar

Coal futures spiked Tuesday after reports that Santa Claus had reviewed the Naughty and Nice List for Congress and the nation’s governors.

A North Pole spokesman denied any connection, saying “No! (Koff! Koff!) we (Hack! Hack!) never release our (Cough! Cough!) purchasing patterns.” Asked why he wasn’t seeing a doctor about that cough, spokesman Grinning O. Earhair said “Can’t afford it – no health insurance.”

Although the Jovial Office declined to comment on specific lists being bandied about the Internet, Larry Blasko Said has been able to confirm several recipients and their intended stocking stuffings. Sources all requested anonymity, but generally claimed to be leaking information from the Checked Twice List.

Senator Joseph Lieberman (Depends) Connecticut, is on Santa’s list for two tons of high-sulfur soft coal, the kind of coal that easily crumbles under slight pressure and burns with a distinctive odor. Senator Lieberman’s last-minute objection to the Senate’s health-care reform compromise was based entirely on Principle, which coincidentally may be what the Connecticut-based insurance industry thoughtfully titled its list of talking points.

Governor Mark Sanford (R) South Carolina can expect the elves to dump his own two stocking tons, but this will be from the Rio Turbio mines in Argentina. It’s not as good as the coal found on the Appalachian Trail, perhaps, but it has caused Sanford’s wife to tell him to take a hike anyway as she seeks a divorce. Rio Turbio translates as Muddy River, Cloudy River, Shady River or Murky River, depending upon which of Sanford’s initial explanations about his Argentinean sweetie is under consideration.

Former Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) Illinois, who got to be “former” by acting up more than even Illinois Democrats could stand is in line for three tons of Illinois’s finest coal, which turns out to underlay 65 percent of the state. Governor Rod’s percentage of dark stuff underneath appeared to exceed even that as he set new standards in retail governance, putting state appointments and other perks on sale each in their season. Those speaking in his defense point out that state offices, acts and appointments were sold to all comers on a completely non-discriminatory basis, establishing benchmarks for corruption without racial discrimination.

Senator John Ensign (R) Nevada, gets just a shovel-full of coal, his extra-marital penalty softened by his contribution to full employment and economic stimulus in a recession, At one time he employed both his lover and her husband and Ensign’s parent contributed more than $90,000 to the the couple’s economy. Although the contribution by Ensign’s parents seemed focused on keeping things quiet, critics charged the intent wasn’t environmental.

Senator Barbara Boxer (D) California has earned a long ton of shiny, hard-to-light, anthracite coal for telling an Army general who kept addressing her with the respectful title “Ma’am” to instead call her “Senator.” Why she would prefer the title of lesser respect is hard to bring to light, hence the coal choice.

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2009-12-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

Faith for Conservative Republicans!

Conservative Republicans got important help in a study released by the Pew Forum On Religion & Public Life, which reports that almost 30 percent of Americans say they’ve been in touch with someone who has died.

“We didn’t think Senator McCain was being quite that active,” said one Republican party conservative. Told that McCain was very much alive, at least personally, he said “Oh, did Sarah bring him back?”

The study of American religious beliefs and practices offers information that fits nicely with GOP conservative wing public positions and actions. It gives the faithful affirmation and the rest of the country confirmation. For example, 25 percent of Americans expressed a belief in astrology, Pew said. That’s cheering for conservatives wistful for the Reagan years, as well as mainstream critics of the last Bush administration, who point out that at least the Reagan bunch consulted something.

Pew says some 16 percent also believe in the evil eye and casting curses. That roughly corresponds to conservative talk radio audiences. For the record, Pew reported no direct evil mouth measurement in its charts, although the reference to “casting of curses” gives pause.

Some of the superficially best news for conservatives in a party that doesn’t have either house of Congress or the White House is that Pew finds 24 percent of adults believe in some form of reincarnation. Experts caution that reincarnation doesn’t necessarily meaning coming back better or at least the same. Conservative republicans could be reincarnated as Neanderthals, for example, leaving social values intact but presenting other challenges.

The study also found that 26 percent of Americans believe there is spiritual energy in physical things, and although the study didn’t mention fossil fuels, conservative friends Big Oil and Big Coal have established records in energy that moves everything from vehicles to votes. Still, accurate measurement for comparison is a challenge – the Great Free Market has established accurate measurements of energy costs and Congressional vote costs, but spiritual energy has been more difficult, especially in Washington.

Perhaps the best news for conservative Republicans from the Pew study is the prospects for future growth. According to Pew, significantly more Democrats and Independents believe in reincarnation, yoga, spiritual energy, astrology and the evil eye than do overall Republicans.

“Them folks could be the good new old blood we need,” mused a senior conservative.”After all, there’s plenty of room in the long and narrow conservative tent, plenty of room.”

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2009-12-11T00:04:00.003-05:00

Cold? Internet Al Says You Aren’t

Global warming is a huge problem and we know this because former Vice President Al Gore says so and after all, he created the Internet, didn’t he?

Gore said "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." (March 1999, CNN).

Gore supporters say that quote is out of context and Gore today says those who deny global warming "persist in an air of unreality." Having been a politician before he got the Nobel Peace Prize for his global warming work in 2007, Gore is clearly qualified to recognize unreality when he sees it.

Not everyone else is so qualified. Folks this week in Madison, Wisconsin were clearly unqualified to see 18 inches of blowing and drifting global warming for the unreality it was. They were so unqualified that they shut down the University of Wisconsin campus for an extremely rare snow day.

But that’s probably because they don’t see the bigger picture, which will be on display at Copenhagen’s climate conference. Like most other entertainment, Copenhagen will require a ticket and the one being used is a simple unquestioning belief that humans and their greenhouse gas production are making the earth warmer.

Folks like Gore will say we’ve got to stop burning fossil fuels and raising and eating so many farting cows. We must make do with less and pay more for it, Gore will say before returning to his mansion and perhaps a steak dinner.

Doing with less will be welcomed as fashionably correct by some of the 20 percent of humans on the planet who live in advanced societies. The other 80 percent won’t much care, since worrying about your next meal often distracts you from higher realities.

Still, our climate leaders are convinced that when things are properly explained, most of the world’s population will be content to live hungry in the dark because burning fossil fuels for electricity or power farming equipment contributes to global warming. And our leaders can certainly cite each other when asked to justify their claims, since they admit no higher authority.

There are skeptics. Former Alaska Governor and Chief Republican Ditz Sarah Palin strays off-message and makes sense when she notes that climate cycles are natural and adds in a Washington Post op-ed that “…while we recognize the occurrence of these natural, cyclical environmental trends, we can't say with assurance that man's activities cause weather changes. We can say, however, that any potential benefits of proposed emissions reduction policies are far outweighed by their economic costs.”

To which Al Gore and his playmates in Copenhagen will tut their tuts and say they have solid evidence that human activity is causing global warming. After all, they have maybe 100 years of measured data from a few places on a big planet that’s 4.5 billion years old. Before my calculator got tired, it told me that’s a sample of 0.000000022 percent for any one place, never mind the whole globe.

That’s not even a sample big enough to call a presidential election, but don’t worry, former Vice President Al Gore says the earth is warming and after all, he’s the guy who “took the initiative in creating the Internet.”

That thought will probably warm hearts in Madison, Wisconsin, where temperatures will hit -2 degrees Fahrenheit at night and skyrocket to 15 in the day. Although they might feel cold they will know that in reality they aren’t cold because Al Gore and his Copenhagen playmates say the globe is warming.

Besides, Gore and Company are again taking the initiative. If you’re freezing or starving or just skeptical, be polite about suggesting where and how they should take it.

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2009-12-09T00:04:00.002-05:00

Monkeys Talk – We Should Listen

Monkeys talk less and say more, something a human society with thousands of cable TV channels and the Internet ought to consider.

A report in the New York Times comments on a language used by monkeys in the Ivory Coast, but contains no comments from those monkeys on the language humans use in the United States. (Typical one-sided reporting job from Mainstream Media.)

Still, the Times says Campbell’s monkey is reported to say “Krak! Krak!” which announces a leopard looking for a once-only lunch partner. We might say “There’s a possibility of a feline predator, possibly a leopard, although whether or not it is hunting has yet to be determined.”

And the hunting leopard might say “the Windbag Special looks good.”

Campbell’s monkeys have a vocabulary of only a few words, but they can have different meanings depending upon how they are put together. As the article explains, the words seem pretty much clear and to the point, aimed at survival in the bush.

Humans, on the other hand, have a vocabulary of thousands of words and seldom are clear and to the point. Our words are not aimed at survival in the bush as much as beating around it.

A monkey would call another monkey who enjoys beating on weaker monkeys a bully. I do not know how that is rendered in the actual Monkeyspeak, but I’m willing to bet it has nothing to do with “recurrent aggression management issues.”

A monkey confronted by another monkey who smells bad says “You stink!” There is probably no monkey equivalent of “social scent selection issues.”

Monkeys who steal are branded as thieves and punished if caught. There are no monkey words for “property ownership identification disorder” or “behavior modification enabling.”

Monkeys who do not wish to speak, don’t. Humans who do not wish to speak call press conferences to announce that they have nothing to say.

Monkeys have sex as they please and don’t talk about it much. Humans talk about having sex as they please, occasionally have it, and talk about it still more – especially if it’s about sex someone else had.

The Times article said more scientific experiments would be done to see if humans had correctly decoded the monkey messaging system. The monkeys were not said to have any interest in decoding the human messaging system.

Is it any wonder?

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2009-12-07T00:03:00.002-05:00

Rules for Holes Needed

Tiger’s Practice Course

The number of holes on Tiger Woods’ Practice Golf course is expected by some to reach a dozen by the end of the week and serious golfers are talking about which golfing rules might apply.

Some of the practice-hole owners and designers are also talking about which clubs they might apply to Woods and where, but that is another topic entirely. So is the wisdom of letting the various holes run into each other, which tends to limit play.

But golf means getting the ball into the “hole by a stroke or successive strokes in accordance with the Rules,” the USGA rules say, adding that for situations in dispute and not covered by the rules, the “decision should be made in accordance with equity.”

So too should it be with Practice Golf, a sport at least as widely played as regular golf and much, much older.

As with all serious rules governing behavior, it is impossible to anticipate every question, so precedent is a guide. In that spirit, some suggested rules to explore:

Playing Two Balls At Different Holes gets you disqualified in real golf; in practice play, you’re lucky if that’s all it gets you.

Playing A Ball On The Wrong Green will cost you the hole in real golf match play, two strokes in stroke play -- and a hell of a lot of money in practice play.

Golf etiquette demands safety about not hitting others with clubs; practice play demands attention to not getting hit with golf clubs by others.

Golf etiquette demands concern not to distract other players; practice play should focus on not being discovered by other players.

Golf etiquette requires covering up your tracks in sand traps; Practice Golf requires covering them up everywhere.

Real golf holes are played in sequence; Practice Golf holes must always be assured that they are the only holes truly in play.

Real golf score are often posted for all to see; scoring in Practice Golf is best kept to yourself.

Practice Golf allows for a wider variation of equipment and technique than real golf, although both forms of the game make available coaches who will try to improve technique for a fee. Performance-enhancing drugs are frowned upon in regular golf play, but may be required in Practice Golf play, especially when the player has accumulated a large number of practice holes.

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2009-12-04T23:34:00.002-05:00

Weekend Tids and Bits

Best Little Whatchacallit In Texas? – The brass at the Dallas Morning News are at pains to make us understand that just because some editorial section leaders will now report to advertising/sales “general managers,” it doesn’t mean that the editorial product is for sale. Oh, no, not indeed. Why that’s just as obvious as noting that women who wear skimpy outfits and congregate in houses are just trying to avoid heat stroke, or that flashy-dressing guys who seem to know lots of girls looking for dates are just crusaders against loneliness. Those journalists who object to the fate of this once-proud newspaper are just stuck in the old-fashioned, anti-marketing thinking that if it looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk, it’s probably a skunk. Shame on them! (Subject to marketing approval, of course.)

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More Marketing Tips and Tactics – Prostitutes in Copenhagen were upset when officials sent mailed warnings to hotels. The warnings advised attendees at the United Nations Climate Change Conference not to patronize the ladies. So the ladies let it be known that any delegate to the conference that starts Monday who shows up with one of those warning cards, credentials and certain needs will have those need met – on the house, reports Spiegel Online.

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Guys never had to worry about the issues addressed by Ogden Nash in his famous couplets titled “What’s the use?”

Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance . . .
Have you seen yourself retreating?

But the New York Times is reporting on a company, Bonobos, that wants to make the male rear-view fit, well, uh, fitter. Read the Times article here. Possible upside: At last, a way for a guy to pose the question “Honey – do these slacks make me look fat?” Possible downside: A straight answer.

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Look For The Silver Lining Award Nominee has got to be the news that burglaries are down. Are citizens still getting chewed over by the recession maintaining their honesty anyway? Or are their fellow citizens staying home more because they’re also out of a job, thus denying more burglars the privacy they need to work?

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Have a great weekend!

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2009-12-03T22:36:00.002-05:00

But, But, Butt. . .

Citizens of the world learned this week that President Obama has developed an exit strategy for America’s years-long war in Afghanistan and that models for Victoria’s Secret fashion shows need 20 layers of butt makeup before wiggling theirs down the runway.

Guess which fact will be remembered next week.

The United States Senate voted to guarantee present Medicare benefits and we learned that Tiger Woods may have played a few holes off his home course.

Guess which news is getting more attention.

Then, President Obama Thursday held a jobs summit, and called for “every demonstrably good idea” that might increase jobs. So as a patriot and 62-year-old retiree, I looked for training to be a butt makeup artist.

Couldn’t find any available training, although a trip to the supermarket showed lots of potential business. Trouble is, none of their owners seemed to be prospective customers and anyway, I already know how to use a paint roller.

Since I couldn’t find any really worthwhile work to do, I thought about how the new, ubiquitous, unforgiving spotlight of modern media has turned public discourse into an endless round of debate between :Show Me Yours Because I’m Gonna Show You Mine, and I’ve Shown You Mine, Now Show Me Yours, vs the traditionalists Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine and the modernists, who simply bellow “Show!”

And I’ve concluded that there are a lot of things that most of us would rather not know.

My fantasies and I not only do not need to know, we do not want to know that the glorious female bottom bounding down that runway is a five-member team effort. It would only remind us that living up to those fantasies would involve a lots bigger team, most from the Mayo Clinic.

Any golfer who has tried – and failed – to make shots that Tiger Woods makes routinely, is lots more interested in Tiger’s fundamentals than his fun. Never mind that Mrs. Woods used a club to break an SUV’s window, and never mind speculating why she would do that, what club did she use? Is a 3-iron enough, or do you need a wood?

The great gushing maw of the internet will probably answer those questions in the next 60 seconds and the pundits assembled will tell us how lucky we are to have all sorts of information about all sorts of things available all the time,

And they may be right, but, but…

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2009-12-01T13:40:00.000-05:00

Hell’s Hints, Dints and Dings

Satan was in a fine foul mood the other day, cursing his entourage with comments, observations and advice for various humans and their organizations. Festerous Pimple, our Hell correspondent, shares his notes here by topic.

GOLFERS:

· Verify that it’s the correct hole before taking out club and balls.

· Too much club can spoil SUV shots.

· You’ve got to give out the real score eventually.

SECRET SERVICE:

· Things are not always as they seem.

· “Trust – but verify.”

· If that’s the level of service, it should be secret.

UNITED STATES SENATE:

· “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.” ~Mark Twain

· That’s also the only way to pass Health Care Reform

MAINSTREAM MEDIA:

· From flush times to flushing times.

MIKE HUCKABEE:

· Pardon me?

MITT ROMNEY:

· Batteries included.

SARAH PALIN:

· Brains sold separately.

AL GORE:

· Warmest wishes.

AFGHAN AGRICULTURE:

· The Audacity of Dope

AFGHAN SURGE:

· Dreams From My Predecessor

TEA PARTY:

· Republicans serving neither tea nor party

LOU DOBBS:

· CNN, CNBC, C-Me! C-Me!

PRESIDENT OBAMA’S NEXT CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:

· No We Didn’t!

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2009-11-30T18:24:00.001-05:00

A Vote That Really Counts

Wealthy politicians are often accused of buying elections, but most actual voters don’t get a dime, a problem so scandalous it begs for solution, offered here as a public service.

When New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg got elected to a third term this month, a New York Times story later said he spent $174 per voter, about $102 million. If you voted for him, did you get any of that $174?

According to the Times, Mayor Bloomberg’s cost-per-vote was $112 in 2005 and a mere $99 in 2001, but if you’re a three-time Bloomberg voter, the total is $385 – you see any of that?

Sure, Mayor Mike is a billionaire and it was his own money, but why should it go to only the advertising guys and those political consultants?

Across the river in New Jersey, Governor Jon Corzine, another billionaire, spent lots of his own money on a senate seat, then on his first term as governor, finally spending more of his own money to lose out on a second term. The total estimated tab for the three ventures is around $122 million.

Since I live in New Jersey, I can testify that the ordinary voter didn’t see that cash, even to wave as it roared by.

Which brings us to a proposal to reform campaign finances, increase voter turnout and finally make the benefits of democracy tangible. I call it the GAMBLE method (Gaming And Manipulation By Legal Enticement).

Under the GAMBLE method, anyone seeking public office would be allowed to spend whatever they wanted from whatever source, but all spending would have to be matched dollar-for-dollar by contributions to a VIP (Voter Incentive Purse). Here’s how it would work in a make-believe matchup of Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Corzine, using the amounts they are said to have spent on November’s decision:

VIP INCOME (millions)

Michael Bloomberg $102

Jon Corzine $ 22.6

Total VIP $124.6

Now suppose one million went to the polls and Bloomberg won with 55 percent of the vote. Under GAMBLE, the 550,000 who voted for Bloomberg would be entitled to 55 percent of the VIP, or about $124.60 per voter. It wouldn’t be fair to shut Corzine voters out entirely from the benefits of democracy, so GAMBLE would award losing candidate voters half a share, $62.30.

Of course, there’s $28,035,000 left over, but that would cover the mechanics of getting checks to the voting public, plus other customary administrative costs. (Maybe even a school lunch or two, but let’s not make wild promises.)

Critics will charge that this encourages buying elections, but if you have to match every dollar you give to some guy with a beautiful suit and hideous soul with another buck to GAMBLE, even billionaires will tone it down.

Those who worry about declining voter turnout will be able to see near-100 percent turnouts when voters finally get something out of the deal besides higher taxes.

Even the political consultants and advertising gurus should rally behind GAMBLE, since it is certain protection against reform efforts that would abolish their income completely. There’s plenty to share, folks.

GAMBLE is a win-win for everyone in politics and deserves your support – call your elected representatives today!

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2009-11-29T22:36:00.002-05:00

Merry Media Make Believe!

Merry Media Make Believe! We’re now at that magical time between Thanksgiving and the New Year when the elves in Media’s workshop turn out stories they make believe are important, and good little girls and boys make believe that they are interested in them.

These stories are usually touching or amazing tales, especially touching and amazing to those who have to fill blank newsprint or empty air minutes. That’s because modern Journalism has copied Best Practices from egg farms--- those who don’t produce get to pursue other interests, generally broiling, baking, and frying.

Here’s a sampling of the latest:

IRAN DEFIANT ON NUCLEAR PROGRAM – And how, a little child might ask, is this different from all the other times Iran has been defiant on its nuclear program? To which an adult might answer “Shaddup, Kid! We’re trying to make merry here!”

NEW AFGHANISTAN STRATEGY TO BE ANNOUNCED, a perennial favorite dating back decades to when the Soviet Union held the New Afghanistan Strategy franchise. Then the Bush Administration took over announcing new strategies, followed by the Obama Administration. The Afghans themselves stick to a strategy that has worked for a couple of thousand years, which would prove them backward and not innovative if it didn’t keep winning.

SHOPPERS THRONG STORES generally surfaces just before and after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. Sometimes the shoppers throng for a few bargains or to return another testimonial to Aunt Milly’s lousy taste, but mostly shoppers throng because that’s what they do. And reporters report the annual thronging because that’s what they do. Ain’t Nature wonderful?

CELEBRITY INDISCRETION may always be counted on to provide grist for the mill based on the formula “Celebrity (Name) is reported to (pick one):

n Have had a disagreement with spouse, lover, publicist, the law or some combination.

n Have patched over a disagreement with spouse, lover, publicist, the law or some combination.

n Make a living by doing stupid things so that stupid folk may write about them for the entertainment of the stupid readers.”

HOLIDAY TRAVEL CLOGGED by airport delays, crowded highways, bad weather, and the repeated amazement expressed that those who travel in the busiest travel season of the year, which happens to be in late fall and early winter, encounter delays and congestion.

TOUCHING HOLIDAY STORY recipe is one part surprise, one part engaging protagonist and one part joy or tragedy; mix well, garnish with photos or video and serve.

But above all, Merry Media Make Believe to you and yours!

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2009-11-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

Giving Thanks . . .Write On!

Thanksgiving tomorrow marks the uniquely American holiday when cardiologists measure the prospects for their future prosperity as families celebrate by first stuffing a turkey and then themselves.

It’s our way of saying we’re thankful.

Folks who write about current events have reason to be especially thankful, since they neither sow, nor do they reap, they just comment. And what a season for comment it’s been.

So in no particular order, this writer is thankful for:

The Republican Zipper Brigade, that stalwart band of buttoned-up Family Values types who earnestly pursue lives of zipper-down research into the sins they oppose – after all, Know Your Enemy, right?

Sarah Palin, who hasn’t finished a term as governor of Alaska or a complete sentence, and isn’t letting either trifle bother her in her pursuit of higher goals. Whether those goal include higher office, completed sentences or simply higher revenue from exploiting sudden celebrity isn’t clear, but why should clear be on the tables when it’s just what they want from under, you know and we won’t let them come on top with it, you betcha!

Lou Dobbs, who parted ways with CNN with a multi-million-dollar package to contemplate a future as a United States Senator or, perhaps, President of The United States. That his most devoted supporters, full-length mirrors, aren’t allowed to vote is just one more wrong he’s determined to right. Very right. Far, far right.

Soon-to-be-former New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine, who discovered that while money can’t buy love, in a recession it can’t even buy New Jersey. Corzine spent significantly more than his opponents for significantly less results. Maybe it was part of a secret plot for him to move those talents to Washington, where they are a natural fit with the federal bailout mavens who also spend much and get little.

Wall Street, which spent the year jumping into a raging river of bad debt, being rescued by taxpayers, then giving itself a heroism bonus. This bit of gratitude is shared with the Obama Administration, which spent the year desperately trying to churn butter from the shit Wall Street swore was cream.

Swine Flu and The World Health Organization who proved that being largely innocuous and inept isn’t a bar to fame and fortune if your public relations staff is really earning its keep.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele, whose ability to stay on message –“I’m wonderful! I’m wonderful!” – transcends any meaningful attempts at bipartisan compromise on any issue.

America’s Daily Newspapers, which are reminding us that they’re too important to die and citing their own statements to make the argument, which would be funny if anyone were paying attention. Which they aren’t. Which is the problem.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

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2009-11-24T00:53:00.002-05:00

First Annual Turkey Awards

Recognizing that Thanksgiving signals the beginning of the season in which awards are given for performance in the previous year, Larry Blasko Said is mildly pleased to announce the First Annual Turkey Awards, generally honoring those who may be stuffed full of it, but seldom roast as they deserve.

The Turkey Award For Nitpicking does to the South Carolina Ethics Commission, for leveling charges of misbehavior against Gov. Mark Sanford, mostly for flying business class to places like Beijing when state policy calls for coach fare. You can read the individual nits here, including the shocking charge that Sanford, a Republican, may have used campaign funds for a trip to President Obama’s inauguration. Sanford, you’ll recall, came to national notice after disappearing for five days during which aides and his wife were told he was hiking the Appalachian trail when he was really in Argentina with his “soul mate.” Hiking, of course.

The Turkey Award For Mirror Addiction goes to Lou Dobbs, former CNN anchor who got to be former after several tussles with his bosses over the difference between unbiased news reporting and his opinions, which were, he apparently assured himself, Revealed Truth. The latest truth he’s revealed is that he won’t rule out running for president in 2012.

The Turkey Award For Greatest Group Gobble goes to the Republican National Committee, which spent 2009 coming out in firm, principled opposition to just about everything except its own firm, principled opposition. No certain connection between that and the sudden thirst of the RNC communication director on Monday to return to his career in the private sector, a career he only abandoned in March.

The Turkey Award For Inspired Indecision goes to the so-called Mainstream Media, which is on a straight path towards being rebaptized the Tributary Trickle Media. Faced with an overwhelming onslaught of readers and advertisers abandoning them for web-based alternatives, what’s left of Mainstream has endorsed pay walls except when it hasn’t, thundered strict copyright enforcement except when it didn’t, and searched relentlessly for a clue, any clue.

The Turkey Award For Shameless Greed goes to Wall Street, which gobbled up so much “profit” on questionable investments that taxpayers had to fund mega-billion bailouts – so Wall Street could gobble up billions in bonus money reflecting stellar performance. This award is paired with the Turkey Award For Determined Innocence to the Obama Administration’s economic wizards who see no evil intent, hear no evil intent and certainly speak of no evil intent about those struggling Wall Street titans, many of whom have been forced to cut back to only three or four homes.

The Turkey Celebrity Strut Award goes to former partial-term Alaska governor and failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who has displayed a mastery of the limelight not seen since Betty Boop, and comes close you betcha to matching Boop’s intellectual and linguistic achievements. Now hustling her book Going Rogue, Palin wins for an impressive display of going commando on policy initiatives.

The Turkey Longest To Hatch Award goes to the Obama administration, which has been setting on a coherent exit policy for both Iraq and Iran for most of a year. Yeah, Old George built the nest, but the Obama crowd has spent months on it without producing either egg or chick.

Finally, the Turkey Who Types Award goes to this author, who enjoys the wonders of criticizing performance without being responsible to perform. Or as Voltaire said, “A witty saying proves nothing.”

Thank God we ain’t got none of that.

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2009-11-23T00:01:00.001-05:00

Helpful Husband Holiday Hints

Today begins Thanksgiving week, the start of the annual year-end explosion that features alternate bursts of Good Cheer and Good Grief, with the traditional turkey-burdened feast now just a pre-game warmup for the Black Friday official start of festivities.

Although the nation has made significant strides in equality between the sexes, management of the month-long celebration still falls mostly to wives. Since any right-thinking husband should be appalled at that, or at least recognize the opportunity to earn points by volunteering, a few Helpful Husband Holiday Tips are in order:

· HOLIDAY CLEANING is a chore many wives hate, in part because they don’t approach it with typical male creativity. Three-days-worn T-Shirts are rich in body oils, which husbands rightly know to be the ideal way to both dust and polish the living and dining room tables. Boxer shorts of similar vintage often contain ideal areas for blending over minor dark furniture scratches.

· Any guest in a position to observe dust bunnies under the bed or sofa is likely to be too drunk to notice, so concentrate efforts in the more visible guest areas, like making certain the beer cooler is immaculate, the bathrooms at least passable and the glassware dusty only on the outside.

· Vacuuming carpets and washing floors before inviting a couple of dozen folk to eat while trampling upon them makes no sense, but is dear to wifely hearts anyway. A Wet and Dry garage vac works wonders here, as long as it is used while your wife is absent. If you are lucky enough to have a dog, dried stains on both wood floors and carpets can be addressed with a little bit of dribbled chicken broth and a whistle for Rover to do his thing.

· HOLIDAY SHOPPING for gifts can be made simple if you realize that the recipients are going to return and exchange them in any event. So go ahead and get your teen-age niece a burqua and your grandmother a bikini, as long as you include the gift receipt. Note: Even if an unbiased observer would conclude that your wife looks better in a burqua than a bikini, always get her the bikini – the longest-lived observers of rules are those who know when to ignore them.

· Those who shop early for their loved ones always get the best bargains, so plan to begin your shopping by at least 4 pm on Christmas Eve.

· Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You may indeed be the Golden Rule, but it doesn’t cover getting your wife a new Duck Blind and Decoy set unless she’s skilled with a shotgun, in which case it’s doubly dangerous. Although individual vary, think twice about a pneumatic socket-wrench kits as well.

Finally, when all else seems lost, remember this great phrase, down from the depths of time from Father to Son:

“Honey, isn’t it the thought that counts?”

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2009-11-21T00:04:00.000-05:00

Weekend Tids and Bits

I KNOW I PUT IT SOMEWHERE… Lou Dobbs, the often-controversial CNN anchor resigned and there’s talk he might make a run for the Senate from New Jersey, where he has a home, or for president in the 2012 race. Dobbs, whose views on immigration and whether or not President Obama is a U.S. citizen stirred much controversy must be making double sure that he has all the documentation proving he’s the native Texan he says he is.

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WHAT BUTTON PLEASE STARTS THIS WATER PLANT? The New York Times is reporting that lots of high-tech infrastructure donated to rebuild Iraq and funded by American tax dollars is confronting a serious problem: the Iraqis don’t know how to run the damned things. Read the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/21/world/middleeast/21reconstruct.html?hp

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WE MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM HERE seems to the stance of the Department of Defense after Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan killed 13 and wounded more than 30 in a Nov. 5 shooting spree at Fort Hood, apparently sparked by his radical Islamist beliefs. The department announced a 45-day probe to see if there were gaps in the procedures that might have flagged Hasan as a threat. Ordinary civilians might see more than a dozen dead bodies, a trail of peer complaints and suspicious e-mails and conclude that there were gaps, but the DOD has its methods.

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WE REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM HERE when the breathless media buzz is over how much of the Tool That Did The Deed will be on display in Levi Johnston’s Playgirl shoot, apparently concluded last week. Johnston is the father of a baby, whose mother is Bristol Palin, whose mother is Sarah Palin, who failed to be elected Vice President of The United States and so seems to be running for President. All of which seems to make perfect sense to folks in certain media and political circles.

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LAST WEEK’S STUFF:

· Medicare Plan P, for Playing The Odds seems a natural when various medical bigwigs are disagreeing in public over mammograms and other procedures and practices. Why not set medical payments on how often the medicos make the right guess? http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/11/plan-whose-time-has-come-medicare-plan_18.html

· Sense From Congress? Yes, at least from four Republican senators who note that we’ve created a government of the incumbents, by the incumbents and for the incumbents and have proposed a Constitutional Amendment that would make it perish from the face of the earth. (Sorry, Abe.) http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/11/stunning-departure-sense-from-congress.html

· Major party honors buzzed up for Sarah Palin, just maybe not from the party you might think in http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/11/hear-hear-major-party-honors-for-sarah.html

Have a great weekend!

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2009-11-20T00:01:00.002-05:00

Hear! Hear!

Major Party Honors

For Sarah Palin ?

A major political party may be honoring former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, according to uninformed party outsiders who requested anonymity. The revelations came in an after-meeting apologue with cocktails among the party’s national committee.

“She’s done so much for us!” said one character, who added “and she hasn’t asked us for one dime for doing it!”

Palin is currently on what is being billed as a book tour for her memoir, “Going Rogue: An American Life.” Some political analysts have suggested the tour is less about selling books than about keeping her political image fresh, but she’s drawing enthusiastic crowds and the book is ranking at the top of Amazon.com’s bestseller list.

Palin’s love/hate relationship with the national media continues with a dustup over a Newsweek cover photo of her in super-tight-and-short running gear and a spate of snide reporting about her confusing Iraq and Iran.

“That’s just what makes her so valuable to the party!” was the explanation offered by another commenting pol. “She’s doing things that no other politician out there would dream of doing and she’s doing them consistently.”

Palin was Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain’s surprise pick for the veep slot in the 2008 presidential campaign. She brought a style and command of both the facts and issues seldom seen on the national political stage. Less than six month after the inauguration of Barack Obama as the nation’s 44^th President, Palin announced her resignation as Alaska’s governor.

“Former Gov. Palin and the crowds she draws are exactly the sort of thing we need to energize our base and draw the contrasts between us and them,” one party workhorse explained. “She’s really helping voters to understand the difference between what we offer and what the other side is pitching.”

Palin’s family life has been the subject of some media coverage since her unwed daughter Bristol delivered a baby boy and the expected marriage to the baby’s father, Levi Johnston, got sidetracked. Johnston, meanwhile, has posed for Playgirl.

“Those are just real-life, everyday issues the voters she attracts deal with in their own families and the contrast Gov. Palin makes with the way others handle those things has been a major asset for our party’s reach-out efforts,” a senior party official beamed.

Others were no less effusive in their praise of Palin, who is considered by many to be positioning herself for a 2012 run at the White House, talk she coyly turns. But there was no coyness in this meeting as the party elders filled their glasses and the most senior among them rose and said “Ladies and gentlemen, to Sarah Palin and her future!”

“Hear! Hear!” chorused the members of the Democratic National Committee.

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2009-11-19T00:04:00.001-05:00

Stunning Departure

Sense From Congress! Really!

Every once in a while, folks in Congress suggest something that makes sense, and no, this isn’t like saying that even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then.

The four Senators who are making sense – in public, no less! – happen to be Republicans. Still, their idea is so compelling that it deserves serious consideration.

The idea: a constitutional amendment that limits Congressional terms to a pair of six-year stints in the Senate and three two-year terms in the House. Not terribly radical, since the 22^nd Amendment limits the President of The United States to two terms. And anyone who thinks a Member of Congress can cause less mischief over a couple of decades than a sitting president over eight years simply hasn’t been paying attention.

The four mavericks bolting from Congress’s shuffling seniority herd are Senators Sam Brownback, Kansas; Tom Coburn, Oklahoma; Jim DeMint, South Carolina, and Kay Bailey Hutchinson, Texas.

The points they’re making seem obvious and valid, which probably guarantees rough sledding ahead for passage of their proposed amendment, but the points are worth paraphrasing here:

· The possibility of multiple terms and human nature inevitably focus most of a Member of Congress’s attention on getting re-elected and amassing power.

· The People’s business and interests become secondary to retaining power.

· The system is heavily tilted toward incumbency, with the redistricting powers and others focused more on the needs of professional politicians and less on reflecting the needs or hopes of constituents.

A central part of the argument is that those who started our democracy probably didn’t envision anyone serving more than a couple of terms in Congress, which was then an act of public service, not a career. That began to change before the Civil War until a government of the people, by the people and for the people has become a government of the incumbents, by the incumbents and for the incumbents.

In a Congress ruled by The Mighty Lord Seniority, matters tend to be decided not so much by the weight of logic as by the time a member’s weight has been attached to a seat. Seniority mostly determines committee assignments and leadership. Since committees are where the work Congress occasionally does gets done, even ideologues are forced to play the game, ignoring the irony that by the time Fresh Thought reaches the seat of power, it will have unknowingly morphed into Old Orthodoxy.

So Brownback, Coburn, DeMint and Hutchinson are to be praised for seeing a tremendous problem and proposing a common-sense solution.

That’ll probably be one of the charges leveled against them from an at-last united, truly bi-partisan congressional majority which can conceive of no greater good for the nation than their next congressional paychecks.

Still, it was good of the four Republicans to try, even if, as the song suggests, only the good die young.

Which means most in Congress without this amendment will live forever.

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2009-11-18T00:11:00.002-05:00

A Plan Whose Time Has Come

Medicare Plan P, Playing The Odds

Health care reform leaders seeking a way to avoid costs have ignored an obvious option – Medicare Plan P, Playing The Odds .

In GovSpeak, that’s (PTO).

The PTO plan should be developed after a recent burst of news reports that had the medical profession telling us to please ignore what they had told us before:

· Get a mammogram every year after 40 became Whoops! We mean after 50, and Gee Whiz! We’re not so certain that the radiation risks outweigh the benefits. Also, we know we told you to do self-exams, but now we’re telling you not to, and we’re not so sure our own Free Feelies do any good either.

· Drugs that were said to help various conditions may either do nothing or do harm, but we’ve always prescribed them, so please take them anyway. And drugs that are proven to help some conditions never caught on, so we just don’t prescribe them. With your best interests at heart, of course.

· Low-fat, high-fiber diets help prevent cancer – or maybe they don’t, but don’t ask which is best. But whatever we’ve told you before, please keep doing.

· Be Aggressive in treating prostate cancer, except when you Watch And Wait, and please, don’t ask us what the difference might be.

The view from the medical profession that not so long ago thought bleeding sick people was the way to fix them and only grudgingly accepted the germ theory is that “ask your doctor” is the universal answer. That’s because, in this benign view, the doctor has kept current and knows all the answers. And of course it assumes that you can routinely get past the N.P. A. (No Patients Allowed, aka Nurse Practitioner Assistant) and see the doctor.

And maybe the doctor does know all the answers, but the problem is that recent studies have the Right Answers all over the lot and are often mutually exclusive. While the patient has a stake in finding the Right Answer, the doctor gets paid either way, which is why Medicare Plan Playing The Odds (PTO) would be such a help.

Medicare Plan P (Playing The Odds) would reimburse a doctor according to how correctly they diagnosed and treated. If a doctor was right 50 per cent of the time, those patients on Medicare Plan P would bring the doctor a Medicare payment only 50 per cent of the fees of a doctor who was completely right. If the doctor batted 100, so would that doctor’s cash register. And the ratings would be public by law.

Of course there are record-keeping issues, but those are already sort-of addressed in the current Health Reform packages before Congress. And besides, this is a certain way to still the conservative objections that Health Care ought to be left to the marketplace, not the government.

The marketplace would allow doctors who were right a higher percentage of the time to charge higher fees, while doctors who were right only occasionally would be forced to charge lower fees. God Bless Free Markets! (and occasional, regrettable deaths of lower-income types).

Those citizens whose hard work, inheritance or plain dumb luck left them with lots of money could spend it on doctors with the highest guess-right percentages, while those with less resources could get by with the less-expensive/effective doctors.

Ain’t free enterprise health reform wonderful? Tell your elected representatives you’re For PTO!

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2009-11-11T00:50:00.002-05:00

Car Warranties, Why Not Spouses?

Universal Marriage Warranty Act

When Congress is done frittering away time on Health Care Reform, it should address serious national problems like marriage warranties.

As a nation, we’re obsessed with warranties. They come with new cars, new cell phones, even new puppies, but are conspicuously absent when the deal is for a new spouse.

If a car company is warranting your new car for just about everything for five years or 60,000 miles, why shouldn’t your spouse’s parents do the same? A spouse, after all, costs lots more than the car, requires lots more maintenance and usually has a resale expense instead of a resale value.

For example, you got your spouse because he or she had a sexual transmission you thought was permanently locked in overdrive, but a few weeks after driving off the lot of I Do Motors, you discover that the only working gears are now Neutral or Snore. With a car, federal and state laws allow you to march back into the dealership and get the problem fixed or either a new car or your money back.

With a spouse, the most you can hope from parents is a smile and a shrug.

Even puppy mills will usually take back a puppy that wagged its tail until the sale, then concentrated on biting off anything it could chew, including you. True, the puppy mills will generally peddle the perp pooch to some other unsuspecting customer, but is that any different than parents of the previously married smiling benignly at the next prospective victim? The puppy mills will still warrant the puppy on second sale. Try getting that from a divorced spouse’s parents.

Pre-nuptial agreements address what happens when the star-crossed lovers just become cross, but they almost always wind up in court. A marriage warranty would avoid clogging the court system if it specified specific remedies for specific problems.

Auto warranties would probably provide the best model for spouse warranties. The rust-through provisions of most auto warranties could easily become lard-through provisions in spousal warranties. And if the drive train dropping out in a car is a clear case for no-cost replacement, what about a spouse who loses all drive?

When communication devices in cars break down, the warranty usually covers the problem. When they break down in spouse, nothing covers the problem except divorce lawyers drawn like flies to an open wound.

A properly designed marriage warranty might even reduce the murders listed under “crimes of passion” when one frustrated partner takes the “until death do us part” of the vows as a good suggestion.

Because this is such an important issue, I’ll even suggest a title: The 2009 Universal Marriage Warranty Act. While it might make lots less sense than Health Care Reform, that will at least guarantee it consideration.

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2009-11-09T00:04:00.002-05:00

Top Secret Confabs Exclusive!

Congress Faces Ethics Threat

Top Secret bipartisan meetings are being held by Congressional leaders determined to nip in the bud an ethics incident that has them terrified. “This sort of thing could shut down Congress!” said one senior representative who only spoke with reporters present on condition of anonymity.

“It’s a threat to the Republic,” agreed another senator, also demanding anonymity and helpfully explaining “it’s got to be airtight, just like a sealed indictment.”

Their topic was first-term Republican Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana, who stunned both parties when he became the only Republican to join 219 Democrats in voting for the Health Care Bill in the House.

Crossing party lines is frowned on upon in both houses of Congress, where tight party loyalty is the mud that lets the legislative wheels spin vigorously without actually getting anywhere. It’s also the basis for many warm, personal relations with lobbyists and others who contribute to good government, or at least to government that’s good to them.

“You have to look at more than just Cao’s vote to see the enormity of this threat,” confided a ten-term representative. “Check his motives, the reasons this guy gave – it’s absolutely astounding!”

Cao said in a statement that he voted for the Health Care Bill because "I have always said that I would put aside partisan wrangling to do the business of the people. My vote tonight was based on my priority of doing what is best for my constituents.”

“How the Hell can you do business with ethics like that?” complained one senator who is just a heartbeat or a conviction away from an important committee chairmanship. “Doesn’t he know Congress is about scratching what itches?”

Another leader just shook his head. “You can’t explain itches and scratches to a guy in a hair shirt,” he said to murmurs of agreement.

Although the congressional leaders in the secret meeting did achieve complete bipartisanship in their determination to keep others from going Cao’s ethical route, there was less agreement on the best way to accomplish that.

Democrats favored using tax dollars to get Cao to go away. Republicans wanted the funding to come from the private sector. Efforts to reach a compromise died when the most senior member of Congress in the room roused from what seemed a nap and said “Wait a minute, you guys. You’re all fussing about how to pay this guy to go away, but did you ever stop to think that maybe he can’t be bought?”

Cries of horror and outrage were all reporters were able to record before being firmly ushered out of the meeting room by Capitol Police.

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2009-11-04T23:38:00.002-05:00

Post-Election News Nuggets

News nuggets you might have missed in the hurricane of what-it-all-means reporting after Tuesday’s breezy handful of elections:

· TALES OF THE JERSEY BELTS: New Jersey Republican Chris Christie won the right to be the eighth person to be governor or acting governor of the Garden State since January 31, 2001. His two main predecessors had famous unbuckled belt problems – Jon Corzine’s seat belt in a crashing SUV and Jim McGreevey’s pants belt with a male aide. Christie’s only apparent belt problem so far is a size issue, but he doesn’t take office until January. Look for him then to be belted by rising property taxes, government deficits and citizen anger.

· YOU BET YOUR LIFE apparently wasn’t enough of a gamble for voters in Ohio, who approved casinos in the state’s four biggest cities. The election happened while authorities found 11 bodies and counting at the house of a Cleveland registered sex offender. Before the grisly discovery, authorities regularly checked to make sure the convicted sex offender was at home. He was, and so allegedly were his decomposing victims, who raised a stink that locals mistakenly attributed to a nearby sausage factory.

· ARGENTINIANS YES, HORSES NO seems to be the rule of thumb in South Carolina, where a court sentenced a man to three years in prison for repeated sex with a horse. South Carolina’s married Governor, Mark Sanford, who earlier confessed to repeated sex with a woman not his wife in Argentina, faces no such penalty. The horsing-around conviction may trouble the Republican party’s conservative wing, which doesn’t want to support bestiality but is generally committed to a buy-American policy. Also no word on the possible formation of NAMHLA (North American Man-Horse Love Association).

· DOWNHILL SLIDE CONTINUES for former Ohio Democratic Congressman Jim Traficant, who has been a football player, a member of Congress, a convict and now a newspaper columnist. Traficant, who served seven years on federal bribery and other convictions will be writing for American Free Press, a Washington D.C. weekly, Editor & Publisher reports. So much for the notion that prison terms can produce reformed, useful citizens.

· SAME-SEX NO, MARY JANE YES turned out to be the view of Maine voters who overturned the state legislature’s gay marriage law and endorsed a medical marijuana-enabling bill. Apparently according to the wisdom of Maine’s voters, committed gay couples who are now denied marriage licenses can get a doctor to prescribe marijuana to ease their pain.

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2009-11-03T00:02:00.000-05:00

Mainstream Media At Work

Heads We Win, Tails You Lose

Today is election day in some parts of the country and the mainstream media is poised to tell us what it all means – unless it doesn’t mean that, in which case they’ll still tell us.

Or they might tell us that just because it looks like the results don’t mean much is the exact reason they do mean a great deal. If fact, the only rock-ribbed certainty about today’s election is that the mainstream media will tell us something – after all, it’s what they’re paid to do.

Hopes that whatever we will be told might have some connection to what actually happened are merely naïve and betray no understanding of the principles that made mainstream media what it is today.

The most sacred of these principles is that no matter what, you gotta fill the space around the ads. If you don’t do that, you’ll lose audience, and losing audience means losing advertisers, which – steady yourselves for the unthinkable – means losing money.

Devotion to the Sacred Principle is what has driven the endless coverage of what amounts to two ho-hum governorships (New Jersey and Virginia) one gay marriage referendum (Maine) and the 23^rd Congressional District of New York, which no one, including many who lived there, had much noticed before.

In New Jersey, incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine of the Fat Wallet and Bald Pate is being challenged by Republican Chris Christie, who has hair and carries with him a memento of every donut in his life. An Independent, Christopher J. Daggett, is challenging both. Most popular sentiment seems to favor None of The Above, alas not on the ballot.

In Virginia, Republican Robert F. McDonnell seems to be running comfortably ahead of Democrat R. Creigh Deeds in a race that distinguishes itself in that unlike New Jersey, the winner might actually have the support of a majority of the voters.

And in that New York congressional race, the Republican withdrew to endorse her Democratic opponent after the full-moon madness of the Limbaugh/Palin GOP suggested that policy debates with Democrats would be squeezed out by time spent fighting off the RRR (Rabid Republican Right). To which Rush Limbaugh responded in elevated fashion by allegations of bestiality involving RINOs (Republicans In Name Only).

As for Maine, the legislature had earlier passed a law permitting gay marriage and the question on the ballot seeks to repeal that. Ayup.

All of which wouldn’t amount to much ad-padding, whether in print, on the air or on the web, assuming any of it was important enough to mention in a sane world, or even the mainstream media world.

So if there’s an election in your neck of the woods today, please go vote. Never mind the candidates or the issues. Even the mainstream media can’t tell us what your vote means if you don’t cast one.

Then learn the next day why you did what you did or didn’t do what you did or did what you didn’t because you wouldn’t or couldn’t as only the seers of the mainstream media can tell.

Bet you can hardly wait.

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2009-11-02T00:02:00.001-05:00

Moderate GOP Strategy Emerges

Move Over, Snail Darter!

Informed sources say moderate Republicans are giving serious consideration to a plan that would have the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declare them an endangered species.

The plan would have the Department of The Interior unit begin the long process that would protect embattled GOP moderates from predators, both human and Conservative Republican.

Rumors of the plan first surfaced when a moderate Republican candidate in New York’s 23^rd congressional district withdrew from the race and threw her support to the Democratic candidate in Tuesday’s election. State Assemblywoman Dierdre Scozzafava decided to drop out when she found fellow Republicans favoring Conservative Party Candidate Doug Hoffman. She endorsed her former opponent, Democrat Bill Owens.

Scozzafava drew the attention of Conservative GOP predators by supporting abortion rights, union rights and gay marriage – sure-fire ways to attract Conservative Republicans on their nightly journeys from the 18^th century to feed.

Moderate GOP strategists found much to like in the Endangered Species Act strategy, which would allow them to mount defenses on several important fronts. Since the designation as an endangered species intends to preserve the unique qualities of a group, it would defend against moderate Republicans simply being absorbed by the Democrats.

Endangered Species Act designation would also help moderate Republicans defend their environment from the pollution spilling from Mount Limbaugh and other active brimstone-spouters.

Still, political observers were quick to point out that Endangered Species designation can take at least 18 months and often much longer, time that moderate Republicans don’t really have as they try to withstand repeated attacks from both Conservative Republicans and Liberal Democrats.

Besides the 23^rd district in New York, the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia are also up for grabs, as well as state referendums on gay marriage in Maine and on casinos in Ohio, all highlighting the dangers to another species, Mass Media Pundits. That breed of pundits feeds on controversial races, and in an election with few races of any sort, the lack of fodder is beginning to take its toll.

Observers say they are able to hear fewer and fewer pundits during the daily howl ritual, which must indicate that many are no longer able to feed.

While there has been talk of government intervention on the Mass Media Pundits’ behalf, many elected officials feel that this is a case where natural selection must be allowed a free hand.

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2009-10-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

Weekend Tids and Bits

NAKED TRADING is giving the Securities and Exchange Commission chairman Mary Schapiro strong second thoughts, and it’s not about knowing for certain which traders are really going long and which are going short. It’s about folks who are licensed to trade on an exchange renting their access to clients. Clients pay to shave fractions of a second in executing trades. The SEC worries that it’s like renting a license to drive, fly an airplane or practice medicine, and that naked trading, along with other schemes, is tilting the playing field to favor sophisticated investors who make money by trading huge volumes of securities on minimal price differences.

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NAKED MISDEMEANOR? Maybe so in Springfield, VA, where a 29-year-old man was arrested by police after a woman and her kid walked by his home and saw him naked inside. With a potential year in jail riding in the balance, the case seems to turn on intent. If the guy intended to be seen, it’s indecent exposure. If he didn’t intend to be seen, it’s not. Lawyers are researching to fine points of Virginia law on whether letting it all hang out without closing the curtains get you hung out to dry.

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FEDS FINDING BETTER THINGS to do after a directive that says busting folks using pot in the 14 states that allow medical marijuana isn’t a good use of time. That’s a change from the Bush administration, which said never mind state law, a joint is still a ticket to the federal joint. Look for this to mushroom into a major state-rights issue as cash-strapped California seriously considers legalizing and taxing pot across the board, which would remove the medical-use-only fig leaf and update “Just Say No” to “Just Pay The Tax.”

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BUNS TO BOOBS has to be the name for a procedure that takes fat liposuctioned from an overspreading bottom and uses it to enhance an under-blooming top. An uplifting report on msnbc.com says a Miami surgeon pioneered the technique that takes the fat from where women don’t want it and puts it where they do. No implants need apply. No word on whether the procedure gets points for using a renewable resources or other recycling kudos.

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REST IN (SHARED) PEACE may be coming to Britain, which over the centuries has started to acquire more dead bodies than available burial space and is trying to make the idea of shared graves take wing in London. Seems the earliest tenant is dug up and reburied deeper, making room for the newcomer. There are, as they say, some marketing issues.

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Have A Great Weekend!

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2009-10-27T23:25:00.001-04:00

A Real Stimulating Stimulus

For young folks, getting stimulated usually involves a Significant Other or a Significant Fantasy. For those of us getting Social Security Checks, it involves the Obama Administration and the New York Times.

Can we do better? Yes we can!

Some might find President Obama or members of his administration cute, but the Good Grey Lady of Times Square? Good God, has it come to that?

What it’s come to is that the Obama crowd and the Times are on opposite sides of the debate on how best to stimulate Social Security recipients. Many of us are still fully capable of telling what stimulus should be applied where and when, but Dr. Obama seems to think that $250 in government stimulation will work better than private stimulation.

True, with a Senior Discount, $250 might actually pay for reasonably classy stimulation, maybe even near Times Square, but that’s not the view of the New York Times. The Times harrumphs in an editorial that the $250 proposed because inflation fell and there won’t be a Social Security Cost of Living Adjustment this year is just politics:

“The Obama administration has called for an expensive crowd-pleaser of dubious effectiveness: sending every Social Security recipient an extra $250,” says the Times.

The crowd the Times is worried about Obama pleasing is the 57 million or so Americans who get Social Security checks and whose politics have matured from the age of All You Need Is Love to the current Baby Boomer theme -- You Screw Us and We’ll Screw You At The Polls.

Which is why the Obama administration, which includes strong vote-counting ability among its core talents, proposed the stimulus. And it’s also why the Times is upset, since doing anything that smacks of market-oriented, vote-driven politics makes the Times Politburo nervous.

As long as this debate goes on, nobody wins. The Obama administration isn’t pumping some $13 billion into the economy under the cloak of Senior Stimulation, the New York Times isn’t advancing its agenda, and seniors are left, at best, with do-it-yourself stimulation.

So here’s a proposed better way:

Every single adult member of the population will be issued a $125 voucher. The voucher itself will be worthless unless it’s combined with another voucher. Then it will be worth $250.

What the holders of individual vouchers will do to persuade other holders to combine is up to their sense of social responsibility, not to mention their imagination, libido and patriotism.

The Obama administration will be happy because even more than $13 billion will be pumped into the economy. The Times will be happy because everyone will be treated “from each according to his ability to each according to his need.” And seniors will be happy because for a change, they’ll get laid instead of screwed.

Call your U.S. Representative today!

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2009-10-20T00:01:00.001-04:00

Two Problems Solved!

Second-Oldest Profession Should

Learn The Tricks of The First

Whores and journalists are in the same sort of business – catering to wants for a price – and those calling for government subsidies and other silliness to save professional journalism from the Internet should study how prostitution confronted its own New Age challenges and won.

Prostitutes Do It for money and journalists earn money by telling how others Do It. Both were confronted with the same sort of change – others were giving the product away for free – but prostitutes managed to survive and prosper, while in journalism the only way folks are getting laid is off.

Prostitution once had its market by the -- uh, well – anyway, because of a price and availability advantage. Good Girls were afraid of pregnancy and demanded a lifelong commitment of love and support before delivering the Goods when the mood struck them. Prostitutes got in the mood at the sight of a throbbing wallet and never failed to deliver the Goods at a reasonable price as long as the crane was working.

Journalism also had its market in a firm grip. Ordinary folk couldn’t find for themselves what was happening in the world, so publishers hired reporters to find it for them and then charged advertisers to wiggle their wares before the resulting readers. The readers paid a little, the advertisers paid a lot, the reporters got paid little and the publishers paid themselves a lot.

And Then. . .

For prostitutes, And Then was the double whammy of The Pill and The Sexual Revolution that suddenly made it chic and relatively safe to deliver the Goods often and for free. As in Free Love, bra-burnings, Friends With Benefits.

For journalists, And Then was the rise of the Broadband Internet, which allowed every Joe Citizen to both report and view news worldwide, sharing it at will and sometimes building vast audiences. Advertisers and their money come to vast audiences like flies to manure piles and the biggest piles usually draw the most flies, so journalists watched others build ever-bigger piles and mourned as the flies zipped right past their puny efforts.

So for both prostitutes and journalists, what they once did professionally for money was now being offered by amateurs for free. Same problem, but vastly different reactions.

Prostitutes embraced niche marketing and product differentiation. Since so many of their sisters were delivering Plain Vanilla Goods for free, prostitutes focused on multiple exotic flavors, highly discreet and private special services, and other things that generally fell under the “You Want Me To Do What???” category. Prostitution prospered. Just ask the last half-dozen or so senior elected officials and corporate execs who found the path to “pursuing other opportunities” suddenly beckoning when the records of their expensive and exotic hobbies surfaced.

Journalists, alas, stubbornly tried to charge for what is widely available for free, some even whining that those who do it for free are unfairly benefiting from the traditional journalist’s for-pay efforts. Unwilling to produce a new product that customers might buy, they tried to survive by selling a product that most customers already had for free.

Although unfortunate, the disparity of results between the two professions affords a unique public policy opportunity. Most would agree that prostitution should be eliminated. And most would agree that journalism must be saved. The solution is therefore simple.

We need only make the Leaders of Journalism assume the duties of Madams and have Madams become Leading Journalists – journalism will prosper and prostitution will be eliminated.

Count on it.

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2009-10-19T17:46:00.001-04:00

UPDATED Ham On The Lam

Three Little Piggies Went To ???

Authorities remained uncertain about the whereabouts of the three swine-flu-infected pigs from a Minnesota state fair and the pigs say they want to keep it that way, even though officials Monday confirmed that at least one of the porker perps tested positive for swine flu.

Attempts to renew yesterday’s conversation with self-styled pig leader Football weren’t initially successful. All attempts are under anonymous source rules that prevent revealing the pig’s whereabouts or method of communication.

In yesterday’s interview, Football sharply criticized the media coverage that began Friday when the United States Department of Agriculture said preliminary tests showed possible swine flu.

“So we may have swine flu, so what?” said the pig who asked to be identified only as Football. “We’re swine – what’re we supposed to get, chicken pox?”

Authorities speculated the pigs may have been infected by a visiting group of students, a suspicion shared by Football who said “Sneezing and wheezing little brats were everywhere. When are you people going to learn basic sanitation?”

Asked for clarification, Football said “You ever see a pig sneeze into his hand and then touch a doorknob?”

Minnesota and federal authorities have mostly stuck to an explanation that says the pigs at the fair were sent to a slaughterhouse shortly afterward, and Football confirmed that was the suspected destination when he and his companions made their getaway.

“Those little piggies all were going to the Final Market,” Football said “and when me and my buddies figured that out we acted fast.

“We knew you people were suckers for believing your own H1N1 hype, so when we got to the ramp into that truck, we all started hacking and wheezing at the herders, who backed off in a panic. That’s when we made our break.”

Football wouldn’t say exactly how he and his fellow escapees managed to leave the fairgrounds except to say cryptically that “there were enough politicians around to hide in plain sight.”

Asked to share details of their future plans, Football would only snort and squeal, a move he later confided had been copied wholesale from the Republican National Committee. He added that he and his fellow escapees hoped to meet others in the wilderness of northwestern Minnesota, banding together for mutual defense and support.

“We hear there are some moderate Republicans in those woods,” Football said “and we hope to make common cause against the oppression and persecution of our peoples.”

Told that public fears were based on the pigs spreading the flu virus they had probably acquired from humans back to more humans, Football’s squeal of laughter went on for seconds before he was able to gasp “You mean like from close personal contact?”

The squealing resumed until Football again got enough control to add “Look Pal, if there’s any personal contact, it won’t start from us. And I think I’m speaking for all pigs when I say you can tell any human who wants that to eat me!”

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