Fathering Tips

Fathers Day is less than two weeks away, an afterthought sort of holiday in which we honor Fathers, having honored Mothers the month before. Never mind that most Mothers wouldn’t have attained their exalted status without a vigorous assist from those who would become Fathers – the devil is in the PR war and Mothers have won.

That’s why the once-potent threat “Wait until your Father gets home,” has withered to “Wait until your Father gets home because it’s his turn to cook tonight, and don’t forget to tell him you all need a bath before bedtime.”

But just as Fathers once banded together to hunt the wooly mammoth and passed strategy and tactics from survivor to survivor, veteran fathers must now pass child-care and housekeeping tips to the new generation. After 40 years and three kids, these are gleanings from my wisdom.

BASICS

n Get a detachable shower head, the kind on a hose, and install it the bathroom your wife is least likely to use if you have more than one (bathrooms, not wives). It is invaluable for Infant and Toddler Care.

n Learn how to make rice. It is the basis of “Rice Surprise,” which is the name of every meal you will cook for the children. Beyond rice, vary the ingredients with whatever the refrigerator yields, which adds the “surprise” element.

n Get a dog. They are great for advice, assistance and not saying a word to your wife.

n Demand discretion. What happens when Daddy is in charges stays with when Daddy is in charge. For toddlers, forbidden treats will seal the deal. For older children, currency works wonders.

SITUATIONS

MESSY DIAPER – Stand kid in the bathtub previously equipped with the detachable shower head. Remove diaper, flushing contents into nearest toilet. Direct warm water stream to impacted area until water runs clear. (Note: If child is unable to stand, put them tummy-down on the tub edge with the target area inside the tub.)

DINNER TIME (also breakfast, lunch and snack) -- Use an ice cream scoop to put a ball of rice and a scoop of whatever was found in the refrigerator on each child’s plate. Microwave for two minutes, and serve, showing the ice cream scoop and saying “This is a scoop. It can scoop dinner and it can scoop ice cream. If you want it to scoop ice cream, it must see you finish your dinner.” Avoid specific descriptions of whatever food you’re serving, referring to all of it as “something nutritious,” so when your wife asks the kids what they ate, they can reply with honesty. Save leftovers.

DICIPLINE – That’s why you saved the leftovers. “Do that again and you’re going to get another helping!” works on the most intractable child.

TODDLER BATH TIME – Undress everyone and put them in the tub. Call the dog and put the dog in the tub. Using the detachable shower head, wet down all hands. Pour shampoo over the dog, scrubbing vigorously until there’s a good lather. Start rinsing the dog, which will shake, getting the kids all soaped up. Keep rinsing both kids and dog until the water runs clear. Dry all hands with the same towel.

WIFE COMES HOME EARLY – Play dumb. This should not be difficult. When she calms down enough, ask “Honey, how should I have done it?” and as she starts demonstrating, take the dog for a good long walk.

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