Republican Rebirth Ideas

With dreaded health-care reform looming in spite of their objections, Republicans need a comeback agenda based on their strengths as a bunch of rich, repressed, elderly white guys.

Here are some Old Value-based rebirth initiatives restated for renewed consideration. (We don’t consider new values – we’re Republicans, remember?)

INCREASE ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX ED awareness by holding a series of public workshops. The party is loaded with natural speakers here – South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, Nevada Sen. John Ensign, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, all of who have abstained from the monotony of married sex. Besides, all three men have contributions to make in other areas. Sanford’s trysts with an Argentinean could be cited as part of the GOP’s outreach for the Hispanic vote. Ensign’s employing his lover’s hubby then later helping him get another job would be perfect as an example of trickle-down economics. Vitter could become the GOP poster boy in the campaign for privacy in telephone communication.

REACH ACROSS RACIAL DIVIDES by hiring famous persons from real life to tell how they reached out to other races. A good example would be multiracial Tiger Woods, who might be hired to explain the cross-racial benefits of his vigorous outreach with women not his wife. With word on the street that some of Tiger’s sponsors are jumping ship, he also might be persuaded to do double duty as an Abstinence-Only speaker since he seems to have abstained from any love interest other than Caucasians.

INCREASE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES by hiring full-time agents whose job it is to keep RNC chairman Michael Steele away from mirrors and so create time he might devote to boosting the party. Other agents could work on psychological campaigns, convincing the wing of the GOP that likes to wave tea bags that tea is really a Communist drink, the favorite beverage of Russians, and that real Americans wave full cups of coffee. The boost to the dry-cleaning and laundry detergent industries would be immense.

REACH OUT TO THE RESENTFUL who are tired of all those goody two-shoes folks who finished school lording it over real Americans. Accept Sarah Palin for what she is on any given day. Her followers do, because they know that even if her positions on Tuesday are exactly opposite her positions on Monday, they were still Sarah’s Positions and that’s all they need to know.  Or want to know. Or can know. But if your five-gallon bucket is full and my one-pint bucket is full, we’re both carrying full buckets and are equals, right?

You betcha.

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