Dead-Right Patriots

 

 

A general solution to the nagging problems of Social Security, Medicare and a host of other government problems bit-bopped along the AP news feed today, but it seemed to be pretty much ignored.

 

That may be a result of the AP’s newly announced “Sue ‘Em All, Let Courts Sort It Out” policy on linking to Mother AP’s content without linking to her purse, but it’s probably a general reluctance to embrace the solution.

 

Citing several sources, the Washington-datelined article notes that folks who smoke actually save the government money. And no, it’s not in the federal excise tax on tobacco products that the feds goosed into the stratosphere beginning in April.

 

That would be dead wrong.

 

The correct answer is dead right.

 

As in stiff.

 

As in no longer eligible to do anything at all except maybe vote now and then in Cook County, Illinois.

 

See, while smokers cost a bundle in health care, not to mention lost productivity, they graciously die ten years before non-smokers. Since the federal government usually pays only the living, bureaucrats excepted, dying sooner means Uncle Sam will have spent less on you overall than your thoughtlessly thin, healthy, smoke-and-booze-free neighbor who lives to be 93.

 

It’s such a drop-dead-simple and straightforward idea.

 

Social Security fears going broke because old folks drawing benefits will hugely outnumber young folks paying the bill. Medicare, Medicaid are in the same bind, not to mention the Medi-whatever health care plan starting to bud in Congress.

 

Folks who live long lives continue to crowd highways and produce pollutants; they occupy homes, causing scarcity and that pushes up prices. They cling to jobs that could be filled at lesser cost by the young.

 

The list could go on and on, but the times call for action, not lists. And besides, the whole point of the idea is not to go on and on, but just to go. So it’s time for President Obama to create a Cabinet-level Department of Patriotic Aging.

 

The department would offer several no-cost benefits to those 50 and older, including free cigarettes and booze, lifetime Supersize-It coupons, gratis high-fat/high-salt snacks and any required transportation alternatives to walking.

 

For those willing to be patriotic but worried about the afterlife, the government could partner with major denominations in a Get-Out-Of-Hell-Free program that would be available to those patriots who party so hard for their country they check out before 55.

 

Nathan Hale regretted that he had “but one life to give my country.” Light up, pour yourself a strong one and ask if you can do less.

 

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