Nothing Much Happening

But We’ll Report Anyway

Nothing much is happening today, so here’s a list of the things we aren’t going to discuss:

· We aren’t going to discuss the White House medical staff’s emergency search for President Obama’s balls, last seen on a basketball court but now urgently needed to end the pointless Health Care debate. President Obama telling the howling conservatives and whining centrists “We got the mandate, we got the votes and we’re gonna pass this sucker” would do much to switch his administration’s message back to “Yes, we can!” The message now is “Maybe, if you let us and you don’t think it will be too much trouble...” It’s too soon to predict President Obama will devote the rest of his administration to scheduling the basketball court, but insiders have noticed former President Carter hinting his court-scheduling expertise is available.

· We aren’t going to discuss the elections in Afghanistan, which pit different brands of corrupt thugs against religious crazies in a contest to nab the tremendous profits from illegal opium, a scenario we’re certain was never mentioned in Junior High Civics, which is apparently where the last two administrations formed their Afghanistan policy.

· We aren’t going to discuss Michael Jackson, who will soon be buried several years after his moral and creative death and a few weeks after his anticlimactic physical passing. We will especially not discuss his surviving children, including discussion of whether or not they’re his – no point in raising false hopes for kids already suffering.

· We refuse the discuss the pre-season follies from the National Football League, including who’s back from prison, retirement or re-retirement. Nor will we discuss the aggressively banal discovery that Tiger Woods is human and can, on occasion, lose a golf tournament. We would, however, discuss Major League Baseball if we could find anyone under 50 who was interested.

· There will be no discussion of cute, mean or lethal dogs, kids, spouses, creditors, lobbyists, politicians, preachers, pundits and pollsters. Even loose modern decorum has limits.

· Speculation about the newspaper industry being dead, dying or just endlessly whining about profit margins --gasp!—in the high single digits will not be tolerated, nor will “We Must Stress Local Coverage!” speeches from publishers who don’t live in their paper’s circulation area.

· Discussion of which starlets exposed what body parts, when and where will not be allowed, nor will discussions of sexual orientation while the nation yet awaits recovery from the news that Lassie was male.

Updates on nothing happening will happen as nothing happens – stay tuned.

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