Out-of-pants expenses covered

Campaign Frolics Law Needed

Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards graced Sunday’s New York Times as a central figure in a story about whether using campaign funds to hush a mistress breaks federal law.

But recent political history from Edwards and many others suggest that federal law is badly out of step with the modern political process, which is why we need a Campaign Frolics Law.

Although Edwards has a legitimate paternity claim on such a law, he’s been kind of shy about the whole paternity thing for the last 19 months, so he may want to skirt the issue.

Other candidates and elected officials certainly have enough experience with skirts and issues to come to the fore playing a decisive role here. (Click here, for a recent NPR list.)

The goal would be providing public funding for candidates/officials personal recreation efforts provided they agreed to rules that would forbid screwing more than one member of the public at a time. Of course even such an obviously required law would have many kinks to be ironed out before passing Congress.

Funds for the measure could come from a modest surcharge on divorce and paternity lawyer fees, which would not be reimbursable expenses under the Campaign Frolics Law.

The fund would cover only the ordinary out-of-pants expenses involved in routine dalliance. Definitions and limits could be proposed by committees of public servants chaired by distinguished leaders with relevant expertise.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, for example, could lead the committee exploring the ins and outs of foreign affairs, including issues of travel expense and communications.

Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevy and former Idaho senator Larry Craig would be ideal to address gay security concerns, whether homeland or airport men’s room.

Nevada’s Sen. John Ensign’s experience would bring special insight to possible conflicts involving affairs with spouses of present or former staff members and be part of an effort to establish limits on both the amounts of hush money permitted and the level of tax deductibility.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer could address pay-for-play issues with an assist on lists and record-keeping from Louisiana Sen. David Vitter.

Former Congressman Mark Foley and former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick have expertise to contribute on e-mails and text-messaging issues, including age-appropriate concerns and the illusion of delete buttons.

Although the list of public officials with key expertise is long and growing, success would probably require a leader of unquestioned national stature who might be able to secure some startup funding from a public-minded corporate group.

As an industry reeling under regulation and growing social stigma, the folks who make cigars might certainly be interested in funding former President Clinton in an oversight position on the Campaign Frolics issue, perhaps in return for an infomercial on ways to use cigars that may be hot but aren’t smoking.

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