2009 Was Hardly Fine

Ah, 2009, we hardly knew Ye – which, in retrospect, was just as well.

After all, you were the year in which it was a national imperative to bail out the stock markets, which bailed so nicely they had their best year since 2003. Of course, the little folks along the way who lost jobs in the worst times since the Great Depression didn’t do so well, but 2009 wasn’t a year for the little folks.

There was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in 2009 for the average American. Gold prices went through the roof, production costs for rainbows became prohibitive, and the pot was repossessed when the little folks fell behind in the payments.

But it would be wrong of the little folk to resent the bankers and stock speculators for their taxpayer-funded success and bonuses. They followed the time-honored principle for sinking ships of “Women and children first!” into the lifeboats. They just interpreted it as a good way to lighten ship so that bankers and speculators could be spared wet feet.

Yet there were successes in 2009. The advisors who worried at the year’s start that newly-sworn President Barrack Obama needed to look more human by making some mistakes are entitled to hoist a “Mission Accomplished” banner. Perhaps they can borrow a barely used one at the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

Tiger Woods, who had redefined so much of golf, redefined the term “extra hole.” It had been a final hole played in sudden death to determine a tie-breaker. Woods expanded that to those played at the risk of sudden death when the one you married found out about the rest of the course and grabbed a nine-iron.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford entered linguistic history when he pioneered the antonym to the phrase “take a hike!” most often used by young women to reject male advances. Thanks to Sanford, those told to “take a hike” have hope of hearing a reversal in “let’s hike the Appalachian trail.” Sanford’s genius was in demonstrating that the only hiking involved could be limited to skirts and that the properly viewed Appalachian trail started in Argentina.

Republican Party Chairman Michael Steel earned the “L’Etat –C’est Moi!” (I Am The State)  award named in honor of Louis XIVth of France when he charged as much as $20,000 as an “inspirational speaker” as opposed to the speeches he’s supposed to make as GOP chairman. Critics in the Free vs. Fee debate on Steele talking suggest $20,000 is indeed inspirational, if only for the speaker collecting the fee.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s devotion to Mad Magazine Alfred E. Neuman’s “What, Me Worry?” philosophy earned her  accolades for announcing that the security system “worked” when it allowed a single guy without baggage, paying cash, to board an international flight while wearing a high-explosive codpiece. Speculation is that as soon as the fuss peters out, Napolitano will explore other elements of  work -- as in elsewhere, pronto.

“Cash For Clunkers,” meant to stimulate American automakers by providing cash incentives for consumers trading in gas guzzlers discovered that consumers were incented all right – to buy foreign-made cars. This program should not be confused with taxpayers bailing out the America automakers who made the old cars in the first place. That one is titled “Dumb Clucks Giving Cash.”

And, of course, Congress closed the year deeply divided on Health Care Reform, a plan that would provide the public at large health care benefits as generous in some respects as those enjoyed by members of Congress and their staffs. The angst is understandable – how do you know you’re an elite if the benefits you enjoy are also available to the folks who elected you?

Best wishes to all for a better 2010 – but don’t make any bets on it.

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