DAD Will Take Care of It

Reacting to an embarrassing string of security breaches including the attempted bombing of a Detroit-bound flight, the Obama administration today announced a new Cabinet-level Department of Advanced Denial (DAD), tasked with getting the administration’s excuses out in front of potentially embarrassing events.

President Obama announced the initiative Sunday at an impromptu press conference after the First Family’s last visit to sample the famous Hawaiian delicacy of shaved, flavored ice. The President took advantage of the venue as a Teachable Moment.

“Just as flavored, shaved ice is insubstantial, easily anticipated and fleeting, so will the new group of patriots at DAD be,” the president said while slurping a mocha-vanilla-chocolate-banana-cherry ice treat.

Although President Obama declined to answer repeated reporters’ queries about a possible head of the proposed department, informed sources who demanded that they not be identified on account of jobs being hard to come by said longtime administration confidant Laurentias Ignatius Edward Sills had the inside track. “LIES has been the go-to guy in many a tough situation and he’s widely considered to be ideal for this assignment,” said one source.

President Obama said the proposed DAD department would work to get plausible denials out in advance of any negative events, thereby reducing negative publicity from reporters demanding government responses. ”This is just part of our stated goals of being ahead of or on top of events,” the president told reporters. “That we’re going to screw up is obviously a given, but that we’ve had the foresight to create an agency to issue our denials in advance is something the American people can count on in the trying days ahead.”

Insiders who declined to be identified for this report said the DAD department would work to be in front of any potential demands for administration accountability by monitoring intelligence.

“Suppose the National Intelligence Estimate says the crazies are going to blow up the Washington Monument on Tuesday?” one insider explained.”DAD would be all over the airways on Monday explaining how the Obama administration had done everything humanly possible to protect our national monuments.”

Asked if it might not be easier to simply arrest any persons suspected of plotting attacks on the United States, the insider scoffed “that would be profiling, and that’s illegal—you know, like saying that Muslim extremists hate the United States and everything it stands for and have a decades-long track record of trying to harm all U.S. interests.”

Asked if that might not be generally true, the insider became quite agitated. “True! True! What’s all this with True? We’re talking government policy here, not True! That’s why the Department of Advanced Denial (DAD) will be so important in this administration’s efforts to get ahead of the reality curve.”

Asked to assess the administration progress so far on getting ahead of the reality curve, the insider relaxed a bit and confided “We’re winning – I gotta tell ‘ya, we’re winning.”

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