Santa’s Congressional Stocking List

Oh Ho! Ho! No! Coal Futures Soar

Coal futures spiked Tuesday after reports that Santa Claus had reviewed the Naughty and Nice List for Congress and the nation’s governors.

A North Pole spokesman denied any connection, saying “No! (Koff! Koff!) we (Hack! Hack!) never release our (Cough! Cough!) purchasing patterns.”  Asked why he wasn’t seeing a doctor about that cough, spokesman Grinning O. Earhair said “Can’t afford it – no health insurance.”

Although the Jovial Office declined to comment on specific lists being bandied about the Internet, Larry Blasko Said has been able to confirm several recipients and their intended stocking stuffings.  Sources all requested anonymity, but generally claimed to be leaking information from the Checked Twice List.

Senator Joseph Lieberman (Depends) Connecticut, is on Santa’s list for two tons of high-sulfur soft coal, the kind of coal that easily crumbles under slight pressure and burns with a distinctive odor. Senator Lieberman’s last-minute objection to the Senate’s health-care reform compromise was based entirely on Principle, which  coincidentally may be what the Connecticut-based insurance industry thoughtfully titled its list of talking points.

Governor Mark Sanford (R) South Carolina can expect the elves to dump his own two stocking tons, but this will be from the Rio Turbio mines in Argentina.  It’s not as good as the coal found on the Appalachian Trail, perhaps, but it has caused Sanford’s wife to tell him to take a hike anyway as she seeks a divorce. Rio Turbio translates as Muddy River, Cloudy River, Shady River or Murky River, depending upon which of Sanford’s initial explanations about his Argentinean sweetie is under consideration.

Former Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) Illinois, who got to be “former” by acting up more than even Illinois Democrats could stand is in line for three tons of Illinois’s finest coal, which turns out to underlay 65 percent of the state. Governor Rod’s percentage of dark stuff underneath appeared to exceed even that as he set new standards in retail governance, putting state appointments and other perks on sale each in their season. Those speaking in his defense point out that state offices, acts and appointments were sold to all comers on a completely non-discriminatory basis, establishing benchmarks for corruption without racial discrimination.

Senator John Ensign  (R) Nevada, gets just a shovel-full of coal, his extra-marital penalty softened by his contribution to full employment and economic stimulus in a recession, At one time he employed both his lover and her husband and Ensign’s parent contributed more than $90,000 to the the couple’s economy. Although the contribution by Ensign’s parents seemed focused on keeping things quiet, critics charged the intent wasn’t environmental.

Senator Barbara Boxer (D) California has earned a long ton of shiny, hard-to-light, anthracite coal for telling an Army general who kept addressing her with the respectful title “Ma’am” to instead call her “Senator.” Why she would prefer the title of lesser respect is hard to bring to light, hence the coal choice.

###