Hell of an Improvement?

Damnation Upgrade

Projects Proposed

Hell needs an upgrade.

For years the default Final Destination has been damned stubborn about sticking with the eternal punishments outlined by Dante in the Inferno – boiling blood, whip-cracking demons and such.

Sinners, on the other hand, have embraced and even pioneered new technologies that put sin as far ahead of punishment as bankers collecting bonuses after bailouts. Since Dante hasn’t written anything in years, here are suggestions for new sections of Hell and those who should populate them.

To Repeat These Choices, Press Star would be the section of flaming Hell reserved for those who bought, designed, installed or maintained the menu-driven answering services that so effectively keep service centers service-free. Sinners would be issued cell phones with calling areas the size of lobbyist integrity and battery life equal to Congressional nonpartisanship. While flames barbequed them, sinners would have to navigate the menu-driven system until they reached a demon operator, who would tell them that Hell’s offices were closed but that they could try again tomorrow.

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And then I said would be a Hell of eternal darkness, where sinners would try to find escape by following echoes of the intimate details they spouted on cell phones to annoy others on public transportation. They would also be surrounded by demons roaring into other cell phones as though speech and transmission volume were the same. When not bellowing, demons would inflict the torments wished by anyone who sat next to the sinners on the 5:22 to Morristown.

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Next! Would be a Hell reserved for those who see that the left lane will be closed in two miles and so zip ahead in that lane until they clog the right lane by trying to cut in. They would be placed in right-lane-only cast-iron cars that grew one degree centigrade hotter every minute stuck in eternal traffic.

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Say what? Would be a Hell reserved for those who played their personal music devices so loudly that anyone within five feet risked deafness. Those devices would be permanently implanted and set to play whatever tunes the sinner most hated. “Greatest Polka Hits” would serenade rock lovers, while tonal dog barks on “Jingle Bells” entertained jazz aficionados.

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Prove It! Would be a Hell reserved for the conspiracy junkies who clogged public discourse with every whacko theory imaginable. Sinners would twirl in a whirlwind of superheated charge and countercharge, able to escape only when they were able to grab and hold on to a rare Passing Fact and keep it from being destroyed by a fellow sinner.

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Health Care would be a Hell reserved for those who fought universal health care. They would endure every disease, pain and suffering their opposition caused others to endure, their only comfort being that the suffering was not rationed and that they were free to move from one suffering to another.

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Downsizing would be a Hell for those who shed employees to inflate profit margins and their bonuses. They would spend eternity having all bodily orifices downsized while demons busily stuffed them with upsizing layoff notices written on razors.

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Finally, Deadline would be that section of Hell reserved for journalists who would write in a perpetual August where the only matters of note would be fun, family and friends. It would be excruciating, having to say something when there’s nothing much to say. Most, however, would sink to the occasion.

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