Continued

The August Conspiracy

(The Lord High God is unhappy with fussing, feuding and failure in the United States and has told the Archangel Gabriel to come up with a plan – or else. Gabriel and his archangel colleagues Michael, Rafael and Uriel are in a staff meeting where Gabriel has captured attention with his fabled, but certainly not fabulous, horn skills.)

Gentlemen,” Gabriel said, “the solution is obvious.” He waved his horn in a grand gesture that caused Michael, Uriel and Raphael to shrink away by reflex.

“Dude, could that thing like not be here?” Rafael asked.

“But it’s such a good idea that I’m inspired!” Gabriel protested.

“Such inspiration a laxative should be good for,” Uriel muttered while Michael impatiently drummed the table before snapping “Gentlemen! The business at hand!”

“As I was saying,” Gabriel continued with an annoyed look, “the solution is so obvious it’s the center of our target.”

“Perhaps you would be good enough to share exactly where that might be,” Michael observed with a smile that could have etched glass.

“Rock on!” chirped Raphael, while Uriel looked away muttering.

“Such impatience!” Gabriel said, turning towards the white board and getting the Moving Finger’s attention. “Erase, please.” The letters of fire disappeared.

“Now a large circle,” Gabriel instructed the finger, which began a curving trail of fire. “A bit larger please!” Gabriel chided and the Moving Finger complied, erasing the false start and etching a circle of fire that now spanned the whiteboard from top to bottom.”

“Label it ‘USA’” Gabriel commanded.

“Penetrating insight, that” Michael sniped as the Moving Finger complied, but Gabriel chose to ignore it. “Now another, smaller circle in the middle,” he told the Moving Finger, and label that one ‘Washington, DC’.”

“So… of what use this is?” queried Uriel. Michael just sniffed and Raphael played with his ear studs.

“Gentlemen, please!” Gabriel demanded. “Did not the Lord our God demand a reduction in “fuss, feud, fight and fumble in The United States?”

He got nodding, grudging consent.

“And I ask you,” Gabriel continued, “is Washington, DC not the absolute center of these displeasing acts –and countless others – when Congress is in session?”

“Do you think there will come a point when you will tell us something we don’t know?” Michael asked with poisoned sweetness?

“Aha!” crowed Gabriel. “You see what you think you know, but know not what you see!”

“Say whut?” Raphael asked.

“Say this!” Gabriel cried, grabbing the Moving Finger, which wriggled in futile protest. “Flame on!” he yelled as he used the struggling digit to write “IN RECESS” across the circle labeled “Washington, DC.”

“If we just get Congress out of town, all the evil that it does will dissipate!” Gabriel said in triumph.

“But what happens when it comes back?” Michael objected.

“That wasn’t the assignment!” Gabriel said, calling for a vote…

“So Lord, by almost unanimous consent, the Staff recommend an August recess for Congress,” Gabriel explained before the Throne of the Almighty.”

“Michael objecting again?” God asked.

“Well..” Gabriel demurred.

“I always thought that boy was a Republican at heart,” God said. “But best can’t always be the enemy of better. We’ll do it!”

And so it came to pass that in the last three weeks of August, wisdom and serenity came upon the United States as Congress decamped. No foolish laws were passed, nor legislators bribed, nor C Street Commandos compromised. And the time was called Recess. And the Lord God was pleased.

But the Archangel Michael was distraught and came before the Lord saying “Lord, while they do not sin for three weeks, when that period ends surely will Congress return to the ways of evil!

But God said unto Michael “Hey, it’s Congress. You want a miracle or something?”

###