Revealed: Obama Plot

To Bag August!

Obama administration officials remained silent today on an alleged plan to fund health care reform by eliminating the month of August.

Word of the supposed plot first surfaced in conservative internet chat rooms late Monday afternoon, after ObamaOffingOldFolks.net posted excerpts identified as from an internal White House task force memo.

Other conservative web sites soon followed with posts of their own. So-called Mainstream Media, aka Obama Cheerleading Group, ignored the startling revelations.

One posted excerpt said “August elimination would provide immediate across-the-board cost reductions on the order of 8.3 percent minimum, with far greater savings possible in some regions. Cooling costs, for example, would be greatly reduced by eliminating the month of traditional summer ‘Dog Days’ and moving from July right to a cooling September.”

Other posted segments spoke of possible stimulus to the economy if Back-To-School sales were to begin in mid-July, although conservative critics on the blogs were quick to point out that they already do.

Other excerpt postings revealed a very Machiavellian Obama ploy to make his health care scheme a success by artificially inflating life spans: “Immediate movement to an 11-month year would take the 840 months in the Biblical ‘three score and ten’ life span of 70 years and produce a new lifespan of 76.36 years, an improvement slightly over nine percent.”

Conservative bloggers howled that it was just another example of deficit spending that artificially increased a supply without increasing value.

The proposal had apparently been the object of internal Obama administration debate, since another posted excerpt observed that unless Social Security benefit collection ages were also raised, a “geezer bombshell” would hit “an already fragile system whose funds we still need to tap to run the gun confiscation program.”

Conservative broadcast commentators had nothing to say on the issue initially, although some blog posts hinted that CNN’s Lou Dobbs was considering investigating when – and where – the idea was born.

Possible GOP 2012 presidential contenders were also not addressing the issue directly.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was reportedly huddled with advisors exploring the nuances of long division by 11, while former Arkansas governor turned TV pundit Mike Huckabee was said to be considering combination Prayer/Focus groups to seek the Lord’s guidance, or at least some crossover Democrats.

Washington buzzmills had advisers to former vice president Dick Cheney aghast that the no-August year would make their guy seem even older should he choose to make a 2012 resurrection bid, while Mitt Romney’s advocates said he was so distressed by the idea he almost unbuttoned his suit jacket in public.

While conservative outlets on the internet hummed with the startling revelations, liberal blogs were more relaxed, saying it was just another example of Obama Administration innovation and “thinking outside the box.”

“The private calendar industry has had a stranglehold for too long on the American people!” one liberal blogger posted, adding that a public-funded calendar would “provide needed competition and keep things Honest.”

That post was subsequently removed by the blog’s administrators who explained that civil political discourse forbade the use of the H-word.

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Continued

The August Conspiracy

(The Lord High God is unhappy with fussing, feuding and failure in the United States and has told the Archangel Gabriel to come up with a plan – or else. Gabriel and his archangel colleagues Michael, Rafael and Uriel are in a staff meeting where Gabriel has captured attention with his fabled, but certainly not fabulous, horn skills.)

Gentlemen,” Gabriel said, “the solution is obvious.” He waved his horn in a grand gesture that caused Michael, Uriel and Raphael to shrink away by reflex.

“Dude, could that thing like not be here?” Rafael asked.

“But it’s such a good idea that I’m inspired!” Gabriel protested.

“Such inspiration a laxative should be good for,” Uriel muttered while Michael impatiently drummed the table before snapping “Gentlemen! The business at hand!”

“As I was saying,” Gabriel continued with an annoyed look, “the solution is so obvious it’s the center of our target.”

“Perhaps you would be good enough to share exactly where that might be,” Michael observed with a smile that could have etched glass.

“Rock on!” chirped Raphael, while Uriel looked away muttering.

“Such impatience!” Gabriel said, turning towards the white board and getting the Moving Finger’s attention. “Erase, please.” The letters of fire disappeared.

“Now a large circle,” Gabriel instructed the finger, which began a curving trail of fire. “A bit larger please!” Gabriel chided and the Moving Finger complied, erasing the false start and etching a circle of fire that now spanned the whiteboard from top to bottom.”

“Label it ‘USA’” Gabriel commanded.

“Penetrating insight, that” Michael sniped as the Moving Finger complied, but Gabriel chose to ignore it. “Now another, smaller circle in the middle,” he told the Moving Finger, and label that one ‘Washington, DC’.”

“So… of what use this is?” queried Uriel. Michael just sniffed and Raphael played with his ear studs.

“Gentlemen, please!” Gabriel demanded. “Did not the Lord our God demand a reduction in “fuss, feud, fight and fumble in The United States?”

He got nodding, grudging consent.

“And I ask you,” Gabriel continued, “is Washington, DC not the absolute center of these displeasing acts –and countless others – when Congress is in session?”

“Do you think there will come a point when you will tell us something we don’t know?” Michael asked with poisoned sweetness?

“Aha!” crowed Gabriel. “You see what you think you know, but know not what you see!”

“Say whut?” Raphael asked.

“Say this!” Gabriel cried, grabbing the Moving Finger, which wriggled in futile protest. “Flame on!” he yelled as he used the struggling digit to write “IN RECESS” across the circle labeled “Washington, DC.”

“If we just get Congress out of town, all the evil that it does will dissipate!” Gabriel said in triumph.

“But what happens when it comes back?” Michael objected.

“That wasn’t the assignment!” Gabriel said, calling for a vote…

“So Lord, by almost unanimous consent, the Staff recommend an August recess for Congress,” Gabriel explained before the Throne of the Almighty.”

“Michael objecting again?” God asked.

“Well..” Gabriel demurred.

“I always thought that boy was a Republican at heart,” God said. “But best can’t always be the enemy of better. We’ll do it!”

And so it came to pass that in the last three weeks of August, wisdom and serenity came upon the United States as Congress decamped. No foolish laws were passed, nor legislators bribed, nor C Street Commandos compromised. And the time was called Recess. And the Lord God was pleased.

But the Archangel Michael was distraught and came before the Lord saying “Lord, while they do not sin for three weeks, when that period ends surely will Congress return to the ways of evil!

But God said unto Michael “Hey, it’s Congress. You want a miracle or something?”

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The August Conspiracy

And so it came to pass that the Lord God looked down from the Heavens upon the United States, and what He saw was Not Good.

“They fuss!” the Lord rumbled. “They feud, fight and fumble!” he thundered. “They talk much but accomplish little!” he pealed with lightning-flash emphasis.

“Yes, Lord,” said Archangel Gabriel. He seldom said more when God was in one of these moods.

“’Yes, Lord!’” God mocked. “’Yes, Lord!’ Gabriel, I want plans! I want action! If I wanted a parrot, I’d make one!”

“Yes, Lor..” Gabriel started, then remembered being an archangel was lots better than being a parrot. “Forgive me, I meant to say we’re staffing those issues as we speak and we’ll be back to you shortly Lord!”

Well, you could judge that a lie if you were a Commandments Strict Constructionist. But Gabriel followed the Liberal Activist view and told himself that since he was a member of the staff and was obviously considering what God wanted, one could certainly argue that his statement was a truth-in-development.

“Or a parrot in development!” the Lord interjected. “Now git! And don’t come back until it’s fixed!”

Gabriel got. That all-knowing stuff could be a real nuisance.

By the time he got to the Archangel Headquarters, Michael, Raphael and Uriel were waiting in Conference Room A, where a Moving Finger had just etched the white board with “Break The American Deadlock!” in letters of fire.

“Took you long enough!” snapped Michael, the most senior among these equals. Gabriel offered an Economy-of-Fingers salute and slid into his chair. “I suppose you guys have some ideas?” Gabriel smirked. He looked to Uriel. “Uri?”

“So maybe a flood we should send them,” said Uriel. “A flood like what no other, a flood...”

“It’s been done,” Michael cut him off. “And it didn’t work then, either, Uri I think what we need is bold, decisive action. Cost and loss control. Wipe that slate clean and repopulate with better stock.”

“Cool, dude!” cooed Raphael around his lip studs. “Massive! But I guess I must have spaced out about telling The Man the stuff He created in His Image wasn’t the righteous goods.”

“Well!” Michael and Uriel both started explaining, but, stopped goggling short when Gabriel materialized his trumpet and puckered.

“No dude!” Rafael shouted. “You promised”

“You did!” echoed both Michael and Uriel. Biblical citation aside, Gabriel suffered from the Thin/Tin Trumpet Syndrome – thin lip, tin ear. Anyone who heard him play once worked hard to avoid twice.

“Maybe a little ‘What A Wonderful World’ guys?” Gabriel said, pulling a white silk hankie out of his sleeve.

“Not if you play it, it won’t be” Michael said. “Besides, as you above all should know, we’re here to solve a problem,” Michael added, pointing to the still-glowing white board.

“Ohhh, yeahhhh!” Gabriel smiled, lifting the horn to his lips, but pausing to look around the room. Michael had hands over his ears already, Uri was edging toward the door and Raphael was stuffing note paper in his ears, working hard to get it around multiple studs.

Gabriel lowered the horn ever so slightly. “Or maybe you’d like to hear about this idea I had?”

“Yes! Please!” the other archangels roared. “Please!” they begged, with Raphael adding “Just no horn, man, OK?”

“Well,” said Gabriel smiling, “it goes like this. . .”

To Be Continued. . .

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Hell of an Improvement?

Damnation Upgrade

Projects Proposed

Hell needs an upgrade.

For years the default Final Destination has been damned stubborn about sticking with the eternal punishments outlined by Dante in the Inferno – boiling blood, whip-cracking demons and such.

Sinners, on the other hand, have embraced and even pioneered new technologies that put sin as far ahead of punishment as bankers collecting bonuses after bailouts. Since Dante hasn’t written anything in years, here are suggestions for new sections of Hell and those who should populate them.

To Repeat These Choices, Press Star would be the section of flaming Hell reserved for those who bought, designed, installed or maintained the menu-driven answering services that so effectively keep service centers service-free. Sinners would be issued cell phones with calling areas the size of lobbyist integrity and battery life equal to Congressional nonpartisanship. While flames barbequed them, sinners would have to navigate the menu-driven system until they reached a demon operator, who would tell them that Hell’s offices were closed but that they could try again tomorrow.

***

And then I said would be a Hell of eternal darkness, where sinners would try to find escape by following echoes of the intimate details they spouted on cell phones to annoy others on public transportation. They would also be surrounded by demons roaring into other cell phones as though speech and transmission volume were the same. When not bellowing, demons would inflict the torments wished by anyone who sat next to the sinners on the 5:22 to Morristown.

***

Next! Would be a Hell reserved for those who see that the left lane will be closed in two miles and so zip ahead in that lane until they clog the right lane by trying to cut in. They would be placed in right-lane-only cast-iron cars that grew one degree centigrade hotter every minute stuck in eternal traffic.

***

Say what? Would be a Hell reserved for those who played their personal music devices so loudly that anyone within five feet risked deafness. Those devices would be permanently implanted and set to play whatever tunes the sinner most hated. “Greatest Polka Hits” would serenade rock lovers, while tonal dog barks on “Jingle Bells” entertained jazz aficionados.

***

Prove It! Would be a Hell reserved for the conspiracy junkies who clogged public discourse with every whacko theory imaginable. Sinners would twirl in a whirlwind of superheated charge and countercharge, able to escape only when they were able to grab and hold on to a rare Passing Fact and keep it from being destroyed by a fellow sinner.

***

Health Care would be a Hell reserved for those who fought universal health care. They would endure every disease, pain and suffering their opposition caused others to endure, their only comfort being that the suffering was not rationed and that they were free to move from one suffering to another.

***

Downsizing would be a Hell for those who shed employees to inflate profit margins and their bonuses. They would spend eternity having all bodily orifices downsized while demons busily stuffed them with upsizing layoff notices written on razors.

***

Finally, Deadline would be that section of Hell reserved for journalists who would write in a perpetual August where the only matters of note would be fun, family and friends. It would be excruciating, having to say something when there’s nothing much to say. Most, however, would sink to the occasion.

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Weekend Tids and Bits

The Sun Wasn’t All That Was Rising in Rising Sun, MD. last week where the AP reports cops pulled over a 41-year old guy for speeding to discover he couldn’t have been driving by the seat of his pants because he wasn’t wearing any. He was charged with going 69 miles per hour in a 50-mph zone. He lost his pants, he told the cop who wrapped him in a drunken driving charge.

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Microsoft Binged Google and Google Announced A Windows-breaker as Microsoft’s Bing, an attempt to establish an alternative to Google as the Search Engine of Choice, rose to a 10 percent user share. Google blew a return kiss to Microsoft, whose Windows operating system dominates, by announcing an OS based on Google’s Chrome browser. The target is netbooks, cheap PCs aimed mostly at surfing the net on the fly, now mostly limited to Windows. Google hopes Chrome OS will be available in the back half of 2010. Microsoft hopes the Blue Screen of Death will sit upon Google. As for the search engines, give http://bing.com a look.

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Piss On This Energy Idea – Please! Eric Bland reported for Discovery that scientists from Ohio University have developed an electrode that turns urine into hydrogen cheaply. Hydrogen hasn’t played a major part in transportation since that nasty business with the exploding dirigible Hindenburg, but this report says converting hydrogen on the fly, so to speak, gets around storage issues and could allow soldiers in the field to “carry their own fuel.” No word yet on plans for toilets that pay you or a move towards energy independence under a Piss On OPEC campaign.

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Humans got swine flu from pigs and now they’re returning the favor says a Reuters piece on human-hog transmission of the H1N1 virus. Concerned authorities fear a virus that dates pigs and humans interchangeably could mutate in nasty ways. Look for major swine-flu vaccine campaigns before the fall onset of flu season, but bear in mind that ordinary flu routinely kills many, many more folk than have been reported victims of Porky’s Revenge.

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Republican Sexual Sillies Roundup – South Carolina Governor Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford seems to be edging to forgiveness and moving on after disclosure of his affair with an Argentine woman. State funds don’t seem to have been involved, his party has censured him instead of telling him to resign, and his wife is willing to reconcile. Note to other Republicans lost in LibidoLand – Michael Jackson can only die once, so don’t count on getting a similar pass when the jig is up and your pants are down.

Meanwhile, Nevada’s Sen. John Ensign says his parent’s gave his mistress and her family $96,000 out of concern for their well-being. Ensign admitted an affair with Cindy Hampton, his long-time aide and family friend. Cindy also got more than $25,000 in “severance,” according to her husband, Doug Hampton, also a one-time Ensign aide. The senator is a conservative, so resist the temptation to ask him his position on the fight against AIDS

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Too Much Club seems to have been the problem that got a Kent, Washington man 1 1/2 years in prison for using a six-iron on the head of a other golfer in a dispute over slow play. No word on whether the use of a pitching wedge might have resulted in a reduced sentence or probation.

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Show And Tell got a lot more interesting for fifth graders in Elk Grove, CA, when their teacher inadvertently included a homemade x-rated sex tape in a DVD of “classroom memories” given to the kids and their families. Parents say she’s a good teacher who made an embarrassing mistake. School official are investigating.

Last Week’s Discussions:

n Alaska’s Gov. Go Go announced she’s Going, Going and soon Gone at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/gov.html

n Wonder what some are willing to write to make a buck? Get the lowdown on a reported Jackie/RFK affair turned into a book at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/summertime.html

n Another government conspiracy of silence as simple as 123456789 was unveiled at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/vast-conspiracy-uncovered-media-silence_08.html

n A World War III weapon was tested on the United States -- with some success – at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/world-war-iii-this-is-only-testso-far.html

n And Jacko and the news media were both DOA on June 25 at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/jacko-and-news-media-both-doa-on-june.html

Have a great weekend!

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Vast Conspiracy Uncovered!

Media Silence Suspicious,

Government is Mum

Look to your left. Look to your right. Unless you see someone reading this over your shoulder, you are about to become privy to information so undisclosed that even the day before the once-in-a-lifetime Moment, few knew.

And if that Moment has already come to pass and you find yourself still able to read this, you are very fortunate indeed, but no thanks to your government. There was no mention of the Moment on the White House web site. And while the Department of Homeland Security said the threat level overall was “elevated” and even “high” for airlines, not one specific word about the Moment was to be found.

Coincidence?

Hardly.

Conspiracy?

The Obama administration makes a big deal of bipartisan cooperation and working with the media. You didn’t know about the Moment until there was nothing you could do about it. Think that’s just more coincidence? Consider:

n The Republican National Committee website is silent on the Moment, its “news” category showing nothing after July 2. Sure, the zipper issue whether on lips or elsewhere has been big, but not one mention?

n The Democratic National Committee is also silent here. When was the last time you remember Democrats being silent on anything?

n You also didn’t hear about it in The New York Times, or on its website. At least on July 7. True, the Times did say something in 1989, but it hasn’t made a mention since, and who among us will remember that slip 20 years later in what is obviously a long-running silence?

n And you didn’t hear about it from Bill O’Reilly, who often covers things the powers that be wish he wouldn’t. Could this have reached even Bill? A search for the Moment’s unpublished number on his website came up zip.

President Obama was in Russia the day before the Moment. Russia and the rest of Europe won’t feel the Moment’s effects until next month, making those places safe at least for now. Another case of undisclosed location?

In all things of government, you must consider only the facts and not jump to conclusions. A senator tapping his foot in a Minneapolis airport men’s room stall could be just recalling his favorite Lawrence Welk show. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announcing her resignation and going fishing could just mean the sled dogs won’t go hungry.

Or there could be other meanings. Clarity seldom visits public discourse. But we are going to make an exception here about the Moment.

The Moment will occur for you when it is 12:34:56 in the afternoon of July 8, 2009, or, as it would be written in all numbers in the American form, 12:34:56 07/08/09. The last time this particular straight time/date sequence happened was in 1909, although as the Times noted in 1989, an early-morning observation on June 6 produce the sequence 1:23:45/6/7/89.

Europe, being perversely European, handles day/month notation differently, putting the day before the month, so their experience of the Moment won’t happen until August 7, when it will be 12:34:56 07/08/09.

There you have it. You are One of Those Who Know, even though the mainstream media didn’t prepare you.

Aren’t you glad?

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