The Harpootlian Defense

Dumb-ass Rights For All!

Liberty’s bell got a new note in the debate over South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson shouting “You lie!” to President Obama during an address on health care.

The House rebuked Wilson on Monday and former President Jimmy Carter was quoted as saying Wilson’s act was “based on racism.”

But then the Associated Press quoted Dick Harpootlian, South Carolina’s former Democratic party chairman as saying “I think Joe's conduct was asinine, but I think it would be asinine no matter what the color of the president.

“I don't think Joe's outburst was caused by President Obama being African-American. I think it was caused by no filter being between his brain and his mouth," the AP reported Harpootlian said.

And so is born the Harpootlian Defense, which excuses persons saying rude, crude, possibly racist and evil things on the grounds that they are too damned dumb to know any better.

The Harpootlian Defense opens up whole new venues in interpersonal relations, whether on the private or national stage.

Suppose your wife has announced that your mother-in-law is coming to spend the next six months and suppose you have blurted “why can’t that wide load find her own parking lot?”

Prior to the Harpootlian Defense, you would have spent at least six months not having to worry much about birth control. Now, thanks to our friend from South Carolina, you can say “Honey, I know you’ll forgive that stupid, dumb-ass remark because you know me to be a stupid, dumb-ass guy.”

Skipping over the implicit accusation that she married a dumb-ass, what woman’s heart would not be melted?

In business, the Harpootlian Defense would be a Godsend. Instead of announcing Christmas Eve layoffs without explanation, corporate executives could say “I know that this unexpected and cruelly timed announcement will wreck the lives of thousands of families, but that’s the kind of guy I am” and thereby be absolved. Except maybe by the families.

The possibilities on the Harpootlian Defense are truly endless. Bloody dictators could be excused on the plea that they are bloody dictators. A defense against murder charges would be that murder is what murderers do.

Or theft is what thieves do.

Or, to generalize, crime is what criminals do.

Which is where we get to the flaw of the Harpootlian Defense.

If we won’t forgive criminals who commit crime because they are criminals, then we need to think twice about forgiving the asinine because they are asinine.

Unless we’ve elected them to Congress, which is something some citizens in South Carolina ought to think about in the coming weeks.

And the rest of us ought to think that if Joe Wilson is perfectly representing his constituents, the next time South Carolina declares itself out of the Union, we ought to let them go.

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