Top-Secret No More

Doofus Directorate Revealed

WASHINGTON – A previously top-secret arm of the Obama administration came to light late last week when the workings of the Doofus Directorate were discovered.

The revelation came after the Coast Guard’s scheduled September 11 anti-terrorist drill on the Potomac rattled nerves. The nerves rattled belong to the FBI and Secret Service, who get all jumpy about folks bouncing over the Potomac with machine guns while the president is nearby laying a wreath – especially when they get no advance warning.

Web chatter indicated possible White House ties, and LBS Impact Journalism put the focus on Stool Number 3 of a bar that declined to be identified near the National Press Building. There determined Inferential Reporting (IR) investigators found a 60-something white guy in a serious relationship with a glass of bourbon.

Under probing questioning, the source identified himself as Haffington A. Bubbleshy. After IR bought another round, he revealed himself as CFO (Chief Fubar Officer) of an Obama administration group so secret “even Vice President Biden couldn’t remember it.”

Asked for more than such an obviously long list, Bubbleshy tap-danced to another IR-funded bourbon and explained that he worked for the “Doofus Directorate at the White House.”

Ordinary reporters, under accounting pressure on bar tabs, might have stopped, but the IR crew pressed on, learning that the Doofus Directorate was a secret group charged with tagging the Obama White House with mistakes.

“They need us to seem human,” Bubbleshy explained. “I mean, here’s an administration headed by this black guy who’s a law professor with enough ivy on his resume to go into the landscaping business. Everything he touches seems to work eventually. You know what kind of hate and envy that’s going to generate? “

Intense IR training prompted reporters to ask “What kind?” and Bubbleshy said “The kind that comes from everyone who screws up when they see a guy who never does – so that’s where we come in.”

Keen Washington reportorial instincts prompted “Come in to do what?”

“To screw up!” Bubbleshy proudly declared. “Those Secret Service guys are always talking into their sleeves about taking a bullet for the president. Hah! We take pratfalls for the president!”

Asked for examples, Bubbleshy’s emotions were obviously a mix of caution and pride. “This is off the record, right?” he asked. “It’s not gonna be like I’m naming a CIA op or anything, right?”

Reassured with a motion for yet another bourbon, Bubbeshy smirked” You guys remember that Manhattan Air Force One flyover with those two F-16s tailing?” IR reporters nodded skillfully and Bubbleshy crowed “well that was our work!

“Just think about it!” he almost bellowed. “After the World Trade Center attacks, an apparent passenger plane flying a weird pattern over Manhattan chased by fighter jets? Panic? A White House seemingly without a clue?”

Bubbleshy paused to let his point sink in. “Don’t say so because this conversation never happened,” he said, “but you can thank the Doofus Directorate for that.”

Well, what about the Coast Guard drills, the IR reporters demanded. Was the Doofus Directorate also claiming credit for that?

“Well, no, not exactly. . .” Bubbleshy said quietly, swirling his bourbon. “That was kind of spontaneous from the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Does that bother you?” an IR reporter asked.

“Of course!” snapped Bubbleshy. “We’re getting paid to make the President look like his guys stumbled, and then these amateurs come in. What’s that gonna do to our job security?”

“You mean you have job worries?” IR reporters asked.

“Geez , don’t you guys read the papers?” said Haffington A. Bubbleshy of Plumb, VA.

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