The Harpootlian Defense

Dumb-ass Rights For All!

Liberty’s bell got a new note in the debate over South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson shouting “You lie!” to President Obama during an address on health care.

The House rebuked Wilson on Monday and former President Jimmy Carter was quoted as saying Wilson’s act was “based on racism.”

But then the Associated Press quoted Dick Harpootlian, South Carolina’s former Democratic party chairman as saying “I think Joe's conduct was asinine, but I think it would be asinine no matter what the color of the president.

“I don't think Joe's outburst was caused by President Obama being African-American. I think it was caused by no filter being between his brain and his mouth," the AP reported Harpootlian said.

And so is born the Harpootlian Defense, which excuses persons saying rude, crude, possibly racist and evil things on the grounds that they are too damned dumb to know any better.

The Harpootlian Defense opens up whole new venues in interpersonal relations, whether on the private or national stage.

Suppose your wife has announced that your mother-in-law is coming to spend the next six months and suppose you have blurted “why can’t that wide load find her own parking lot?”

Prior to the Harpootlian Defense, you would have spent at least six months not having to worry much about birth control. Now, thanks to our friend from South Carolina, you can say “Honey, I know you’ll forgive that stupid, dumb-ass remark because you know me to be a stupid, dumb-ass guy.”

Skipping over the implicit accusation that she married a dumb-ass, what woman’s heart would not be melted?

In business, the Harpootlian Defense would be a Godsend. Instead of announcing Christmas Eve layoffs without explanation, corporate executives could say “I know that this unexpected and cruelly timed announcement will wreck the lives of thousands of families, but that’s the kind of guy I am” and thereby be absolved. Except maybe by the families.

The possibilities on the Harpootlian Defense are truly endless. Bloody dictators could be excused on the plea that they are bloody dictators. A defense against murder charges would be that murder is what murderers do.

Or theft is what thieves do.

Or, to generalize, crime is what criminals do.

Which is where we get to the flaw of the Harpootlian Defense.

If we won’t forgive criminals who commit crime because they are criminals, then we need to think twice about forgiving the asinine because they are asinine.

Unless we’ve elected them to Congress, which is something some citizens in South Carolina ought to think about in the coming weeks.

And the rest of us ought to think that if Joe Wilson is perfectly representing his constituents, the next time South Carolina declares itself out of the Union, we ought to let them go.

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Mainstream Media Shocked!

Stunner: Obama Is Black!

President Barack Obama is black, a stunned mainstream media discovered last weekend, followed by the equally-shattering news that racism is alive, well and getting elected to Congress.

Maureen Dowd of the New York Times wrote in Sunday’s editions that “boy” was the unspoken third word when South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson bellowed “You lie!” during the president’s health care address.

In the world of red states and necks, “boy” is the preferred white term of reference for a black male of whatever age. It’s employed by any white with an age higher than they can count and an IQ not challenging that counting limit.

As Dowd and other have reported, Congressman Wilson wanted to keep the Confederate battle flag flying atop South Carolina’s capitol and has been a member of Sons of Confederate Veterans.

Letting the Sons of Confederate Veterans speak for themselves, their website says: “The citizen-soldiers who fought for the Confederacy personified the best qualities of America. The preservation of liberty and freedom was the motivating factor in the South's decision to fight the Second American Revolution.”

Right -- the 1776 revolution was about “all men are created equal,” while the second revolution was preserving the liberty of some men to deny that equality to others, which showed America’s best qualities.

To mainstream media, this theme from Wilson’s past was a horrible discovery. They didn’t – and don’t – understand Wilson’s constituents, those weren’t sins, they were qualifications. Good ones. As in Good Old Boy.

So last weekend marked the mainstream media discovering that the racism they declared dead in Obama’s ”post-racial” election is alive and well. They also discovered that never mind the stated excuse of birthers, anti-socialists, death-panel alarmists and others, most of the opposition to Obama and his programs springs from the politics of pigmentation.

As in the President of the United States of America is black and some Americans don’t like, can’t like and ain’t ever going to like black people.

Or immigrant people.

Or educated people, rich people, Jewish people, Not My Sect Christian people, or any other poor folk who happen to get slopped by that mental mud.

Well, this has been hard for mainstream media to bear, but they are struggling mightily with their burden and some say they look forward to new challenges as they rush to educate their waiting audience about their newly discovered truths.

Of course one of their new challenges is that the audience they’re rushing to educate is increasingly not there.

And another is that whether there for the media or not, almost all the audience knew those truths since they were old enough walk, talk and hate like grownups.

But please don’t tell the mainstream media about that just yet.

After last weekend’s thunderbolt, they need some time to regroup.

Hell, they were just barely recovering from those disturbing facts about Santa Claus.

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Top-Secret No More

Doofus Directorate Revealed

WASHINGTON – A previously top-secret arm of the Obama administration came to light late last week when the workings of the Doofus Directorate were discovered.

The revelation came after the Coast Guard’s scheduled September 11 anti-terrorist drill on the Potomac rattled nerves. The nerves rattled belong to the FBI and Secret Service, who get all jumpy about folks bouncing over the Potomac with machine guns while the president is nearby laying a wreath – especially when they get no advance warning.

Web chatter indicated possible White House ties, and LBS Impact Journalism put the focus on Stool Number 3 of a bar that declined to be identified near the National Press Building. There determined Inferential Reporting (IR) investigators found a 60-something white guy in a serious relationship with a glass of bourbon.

Under probing questioning, the source identified himself as Haffington A. Bubbleshy. After IR bought another round, he revealed himself as CFO (Chief Fubar Officer) of an Obama administration group so secret “even Vice President Biden couldn’t remember it.”

Asked for more than such an obviously long list, Bubbleshy tap-danced to another IR-funded bourbon and explained that he worked for the “Doofus Directorate at the White House.”

Ordinary reporters, under accounting pressure on bar tabs, might have stopped, but the IR crew pressed on, learning that the Doofus Directorate was a secret group charged with tagging the Obama White House with mistakes.

“They need us to seem human,” Bubbleshy explained. “I mean, here’s an administration headed by this black guy who’s a law professor with enough ivy on his resume to go into the landscaping business. Everything he touches seems to work eventually. You know what kind of hate and envy that’s going to generate? “

Intense IR training prompted reporters to ask “What kind?” and Bubbleshy said “The kind that comes from everyone who screws up when they see a guy who never does – so that’s where we come in.”

Keen Washington reportorial instincts prompted “Come in to do what?”

“To screw up!” Bubbleshy proudly declared. “Those Secret Service guys are always talking into their sleeves about taking a bullet for the president. Hah! We take pratfalls for the president!”

Asked for examples, Bubbleshy’s emotions were obviously a mix of caution and pride. “This is off the record, right?” he asked. “It’s not gonna be like I’m naming a CIA op or anything, right?”

Reassured with a motion for yet another bourbon, Bubbeshy smirked” You guys remember that Manhattan Air Force One flyover with those two F-16s tailing?” IR reporters nodded skillfully and Bubbleshy crowed “well that was our work!

“Just think about it!” he almost bellowed. “After the World Trade Center attacks, an apparent passenger plane flying a weird pattern over Manhattan chased by fighter jets? Panic? A White House seemingly without a clue?”

Bubbleshy paused to let his point sink in. “Don’t say so because this conversation never happened,” he said, “but you can thank the Doofus Directorate for that.”

Well, what about the Coast Guard drills, the IR reporters demanded. Was the Doofus Directorate also claiming credit for that?

“Well, no, not exactly. . .” Bubbleshy said quietly, swirling his bourbon. “That was kind of spontaneous from the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Does that bother you?” an IR reporter asked.

“Of course!” snapped Bubbleshy. “We’re getting paid to make the President look like his guys stumbled, and then these amateurs come in. What’s that gonna do to our job security?”

“You mean you have job worries?” IR reporters asked.

“Geez , don’t you guys read the papers?” said Haffington A. Bubbleshy of Plumb, VA.

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President or Pretty Boy?

Tonight’s The Night For Obama

Tonight’s the night when America finds out if it elected a President in November or just a Pretty Boy who can show his teeth only when he smiles.

President Barack Obama will address a joint session of Congress and the rest of us on reforming our health care system. That Americans spend more and get less on health care is beyond dispute, but rational debate has disappeared beneath a wave of partisan point-scoring, most of it coming from the Rabid Right.

The Rabid Right strums a tune of Fear and Smear, Resent and Distort on the mindstrings of the under-educated and under-employed who form their base. Those who fear any change as another shove down the ladder become the natural allies of those who grow rich on the status quo. It is an ongoing spectacle of the exploited supporting their exploiters.

That’s one part of what a President must say tonight and one of the topics a Pretty Boy will dodge. Consensus and bi-partisanship and good feelings are all very fine, but the big decisions are about Right and Wrong and a President is elected to decide.

Decisions made are hollow unless actions follow. That’s another thing that sets Presidents apart from Pretty Boys. A Pretty Boy will support “universal health care” fervently in all ways that don’t involve doing something. A President will show his support by getting things done, making change happen, leading the country, not polling it.

President Obama and the Democrats have the votes in both the House and the Senate to pass a Health Care Reform bill. Republicans will howl, but it can be done without a single Republican vote. The Constitution doesn’t call for universal love, it calls for majority rule. President Obama and the Democrats have majorities – we don’t know yet whether they will rule.

If what we get tomorrow night are clear health reform goals, objectives and timetables, we’ll be listening to a President.

If the political message tomorrow is “We’ll remember who supported us and especially remember who opposed us,” we’re listening to a President.

If the only appeal to bi-partisanship is one to “do the right thing, not the political thing,” we’re listening to a President.

So here’s a hope that tonight’s address will be a Presidential Address.

We need one.

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Revealed: Obama Plot

To Bag August!

Obama administration officials remained silent today on an alleged plan to fund health care reform by eliminating the month of August.

Word of the supposed plot first surfaced in conservative internet chat rooms late Monday afternoon, after ObamaOffingOldFolks.net posted excerpts identified as from an internal White House task force memo.

Other conservative web sites soon followed with posts of their own. So-called Mainstream Media, aka Obama Cheerleading Group, ignored the startling revelations.

One posted excerpt said “August elimination would provide immediate across-the-board cost reductions on the order of 8.3 percent minimum, with far greater savings possible in some regions. Cooling costs, for example, would be greatly reduced by eliminating the month of traditional summer ‘Dog Days’ and moving from July right to a cooling September.”

Other posted segments spoke of possible stimulus to the economy if Back-To-School sales were to begin in mid-July, although conservative critics on the blogs were quick to point out that they already do.

Other excerpt postings revealed a very Machiavellian Obama ploy to make his health care scheme a success by artificially inflating life spans: “Immediate movement to an 11-month year would take the 840 months in the Biblical ‘three score and ten’ life span of 70 years and produce a new lifespan of 76.36 years, an improvement slightly over nine percent.”

Conservative bloggers howled that it was just another example of deficit spending that artificially increased a supply without increasing value.

The proposal had apparently been the object of internal Obama administration debate, since another posted excerpt observed that unless Social Security benefit collection ages were also raised, a “geezer bombshell” would hit “an already fragile system whose funds we still need to tap to run the gun confiscation program.”

Conservative broadcast commentators had nothing to say on the issue initially, although some blog posts hinted that CNN’s Lou Dobbs was considering investigating when – and where – the idea was born.

Possible GOP 2012 presidential contenders were also not addressing the issue directly.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was reportedly huddled with advisors exploring the nuances of long division by 11, while former Arkansas governor turned TV pundit Mike Huckabee was said to be considering combination Prayer/Focus groups to seek the Lord’s guidance, or at least some crossover Democrats.

Washington buzzmills had advisers to former vice president Dick Cheney aghast that the no-August year would make their guy seem even older should he choose to make a 2012 resurrection bid, while Mitt Romney’s advocates said he was so distressed by the idea he almost unbuttoned his suit jacket in public.

While conservative outlets on the internet hummed with the startling revelations, liberal blogs were more relaxed, saying it was just another example of Obama Administration innovation and “thinking outside the box.”

“The private calendar industry has had a stranglehold for too long on the American people!” one liberal blogger posted, adding that a public-funded calendar would “provide needed competition and keep things Honest.”

That post was subsequently removed by the blog’s administrators who explained that civil political discourse forbade the use of the H-word.

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They Frustrates Obama Officials

On Health Care, Other Fronts

WASHINGTON – Frustrated Obama administration officials have begun blaming lack of Health Care Reform progress on deliberate misinformation spread by the shadowy but powerful group They.

“They and its sister organizations exert a pervasive and evil influence in the public debate,” said a Justice Department spokesman queried about the group. He declined to add detail or to confirm a rumored impending probe.

Other senior administration officials would speak only on conditions of anonymity.

“You never know what They are going to do next,” complained one White House insider. “We announce funding for end-of-life care and counseling and it becomes “They said the administration is going to establish death panels.”

Another senior official complained “We are paying more of our economy for health and getting less than any other advanced nation, but every time that comes up, They howl that we’re proposing socialized medicine.”

Asked why an administration that has made a point of talking with adversaries hasn’t had a chat with They, the official exploded ”Chat? Chat with who? Who are They? We never get a name, a face or even an e-mail – all we know is that every time we propose something, we soon hear ‘They say it’s never going to fly.’”

Officials also blamed the mysterious They organization for persistent rumors that President Obama isn’t a naturally born American citizen and plans to confiscate all guns.

“It drives me nuts!” said one White House staffer. “I can be back home, sitting in the local bar and the guy next to me says ‘You know, they say that feller wasn’t even born in the USA, so how can he even have that job? And they say he’s gonna take our guns as soon as he can.’

“I can explain what a bunch of mindless crap that is over the next two drinks, but it always ends with the guy saying ‘Still, that’s what They say.’”

No Obama administration official discussed on or off the record rumors of an anti-They initiative to begin after the congressional summer recess. Still, informed sources said the program was in its final discussion stages and would use the tactics They use against it.

The working name is said to be “The Hell They Said” and it will be an effort to give an alternative to the “They say” conspiracy that now clouds debate on health reform, gun control, tax reform, foreign policy and other arenas.

One observer, not part of the Obama inner circle, but still well connected, was asked when the rollout might officially be announced.

“I’m not certain,” he said “but I hear mid-September is what They say.”

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Shocking!

Baby Boomers

Mortal!

World business and financial markets teetered Monday on rumors that the Baby Boomers might be mortal.

Word that the 79 million or so Americans born between 1945 and 1962 might not achieve the “forever young” of their dreams and songs rocked all sort of businesses that were born catering to the ”Be Me” generation and now might face uncertain futures on the prospect that “Be Me” would at last become “Was Who?”

The White House had no reaction to the news that the Baby Boomers might be mortal. Analysts point out that President Obama, who turns 48 on August 4, was unlikely to call attention to impending mortality while trying to peddle national long-term health care.

“Highlighting that Baby Boomers might indeed be mortal would serve no purpose of this administration,” said an Obama confident who requested anonymity because she wasn’t authorized to speak publically on this subject. “The President is not as vigorous on these kinds of bedrock issues as he used to be,” she mused, “but he’s still not all that bad, considering.” Other analysts also pointed out that the president, with a 1961 birth date, has a trailing-edge stance on this issue.

That failed to deter conservative radio hosts who uniformly bellowed ‘How do we KNOW that 1961 followed 1960?”

Efforts to contact older Baby Boomers for clarification were largely unsuccessful, the demands of the news cycle conflicting with long-scheduled nap times.

Some media weighed in with intelligent coverage. A Business Week story on the msnbc website told Monday how Boomers are curtailing spending in the face of advancing age and declining prospects in the Great Recession, which has now been confirmed to be about incomes, not hairlines.

The article explores Boomers turning to saving instead of spending, and notes that some marketers, able to read the Adult Day Care Instructions on the wall, are focusing their efforts on the 20-32 age group. According to the article, Mercedes Benz calls this demographic “Generation Benz.” No German translator was available to confirm suspicions that this is a German phrase for “Mommy and Daddy Ain’t Paying No More.”

Still, Baby Boomers confronting an age-group death rate almost three times what it was in their 40s are retaining an entrepreneurial outlook. A Hoboken, NJ firm, Sleeps With Fishes, has switched its focus from one-at-a-time boutique operations to accommodate a larger clientele facing crowded cemeteries just as they faced crowded schools, suburbs and everything else.

“Youse are gonna get da best,” a spokesman for the firm said.”We don’t got no complaining customers.”

Challenged on that assertion, the Sleeps With Fishes spokesman insisted customers were “so happy they don’t even come up for air.”

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Let’s Have A Beer. . .

It hasn’t happened yet.

But it sounds like it might.

You gotta hope it does.

It would be a beginning, and in a time of so many unpleasant endings, a hopeful beginning would be nice to see.

What we’re talking about is three guys having a beer, except one of the guys is President of the United States, another is a sergeant in the Cambridge, MA police department and the third is a Harvard professor.

For the benefit of those who’ve been on Mars the last several days:

So this late-50s black guy comes home from a trip and finds the front door stuck on the house he rents from Harvard where he’s a widely respected professor. He and the black guy who brought him from the airport force the door.

Someone sees a couple of black guys forcing the door and calls the cops.

Cops arrive and enter the house, asking the professor for explanations. Cops, a black-and-white team, are doing what they’re trained to do. Professor, outraged at being confronted in his own home, raises a fuss and winds up taking a stroll in handcuffs on a charge that’s later dropped.

Activists on both sides howl. Professor’s supporters say this is typical of what being a black man in America is about. Cops, a veteran salt-and-pepper duo, say they were just doing their job, which doesn’t include being loudly dissed. Things might have cooled but the President give a news conference on health care and gets asked a question about the mess. Says although he’s a friend of the professor and doesn’t have all the facts, that it sounds as if arresting the professor was stupid.

Stupid?

Oy, Vey – racial animosity and resentment hits the fan big time. Stupid indeed.

We now have three honorable and respected men dancing in the mud puddle and wondering why they’re getting so dirty: Barack Obama, President of the United States; Henry Louis Gates, Jr., Harvard professor; Sgt. James Crowley, an immensely respected Cambridge cop who teaches classes in avoiding racial profiling, no less.

Words bounce back and forth and the chattering classes circle like wolves around three wounded buffalo, and then President Obama, some say at the urging of his wife, but we’re not going there, says the equivalent of “You know, guys, I may have said more than I should have and before this gets completely away from us, let’s have a beer and talk about this. At the White House. On me.” He says it in calls to each of the other two guys and it looks like they might accept.

You gotta hope so.

It would set an example of three guys of different backgrounds getting into a disagreement over legitimately held points of view and instead of hammering each other saying “Screw it – let’s have a beer and talk about it.”

You know, like men.

Like grownups.

Like Americans, when we remember where we’re going is always more important than where we’ve been.

So God Bless Beer – it beats bombast every time.

And God Bless Wives who say “You said WHAT?” – but we’re not going there.

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Vast Conspiracy Uncovered!

Media Silence Suspicious,

Government is Mum

Look to your left. Look to your right. Unless you see someone reading this over your shoulder, you are about to become privy to information so undisclosed that even the day before the once-in-a-lifetime Moment, few knew.

And if that Moment has already come to pass and you find yourself still able to read this, you are very fortunate indeed, but no thanks to your government. There was no mention of the Moment on the White House web site. And while the Department of Homeland Security said the threat level overall was “elevated” and even “high” for airlines, not one specific word about the Moment was to be found.

Coincidence?

Hardly.

Conspiracy?

The Obama administration makes a big deal of bipartisan cooperation and working with the media. You didn’t know about the Moment until there was nothing you could do about it. Think that’s just more coincidence? Consider:

n The Republican National Committee website is silent on the Moment, its “news” category showing nothing after July 2. Sure, the zipper issue whether on lips or elsewhere has been big, but not one mention?

n The Democratic National Committee is also silent here. When was the last time you remember Democrats being silent on anything?

n You also didn’t hear about it in The New York Times, or on its website. At least on July 7. True, the Times did say something in 1989, but it hasn’t made a mention since, and who among us will remember that slip 20 years later in what is obviously a long-running silence?

n And you didn’t hear about it from Bill O’Reilly, who often covers things the powers that be wish he wouldn’t. Could this have reached even Bill? A search for the Moment’s unpublished number on his website came up zip.

President Obama was in Russia the day before the Moment. Russia and the rest of Europe won’t feel the Moment’s effects until next month, making those places safe at least for now. Another case of undisclosed location?

In all things of government, you must consider only the facts and not jump to conclusions. A senator tapping his foot in a Minneapolis airport men’s room stall could be just recalling his favorite Lawrence Welk show. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announcing her resignation and going fishing could just mean the sled dogs won’t go hungry.

Or there could be other meanings. Clarity seldom visits public discourse. But we are going to make an exception here about the Moment.

The Moment will occur for you when it is 12:34:56 in the afternoon of July 8, 2009, or, as it would be written in all numbers in the American form, 12:34:56 07/08/09. The last time this particular straight time/date sequence happened was in 1909, although as the Times noted in 1989, an early-morning observation on June 6 produce the sequence 1:23:45/6/7/89.

Europe, being perversely European, handles day/month notation differently, putting the day before the month, so their experience of the Moment won’t happen until August 7, when it will be 12:34:56 07/08/09.

There you have it. You are One of Those Who Know, even though the mainstream media didn’t prepare you.

Aren’t you glad?

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Weekend Tids and Bits

FLY INCIDENT STILL BUZZING -- It seems the fly unfortunate enough to fatally annoy the First Swatter in a CNBC interview isn’t an isolated incident. The New York Times reported last week that the Obama White House is infested with flies. Sources in the Agriculture Department who requested anonymity to remain employed suggest that any large concentration of manure is bound to be a fly magnet.

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HARDLY AN EXPLOSIVE ISSUE -- The AP reports that a couple of lawsuits have been filed against propane gas companies who are accused of putting less than 20 pounds of propane in the tanks that fuel backyard grills. The explanation offered was that putting less propane in the tanks was a way to deal with last summer’s fuel costs. A quick backyard check here showed both fuel tanks from FerrellGas, one of the companies named in the suit, were clearly labeled as containing only 15 pounds of propane. The real damage is mostly to one aging Baby Boomer’s ego. The old guy had been congratulating himself that he could still handle a full 20-pound tank one-handed.

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NOT HALF BAD --The Guardian reported that an analyst told Parliament that half of Britain’s local and regional newspapers could be shut down within the next five years. Revenue that’s already declined by half gets the blame. Mirroring their U.S. counterparts, newspaper executives whined about the recession and changes in technology. No word in the story of any MP expressing outrage or even interest.

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NO BOYS ALLOWED – or wannabe Supreme Court Justices either it seems. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned from the Belizean Grove after Republican senators questioned her membership in the exclusive women-only group. While the Senate itself used to be a mostly all-male bastion, the current Senate has 17 females, four of whom are Republican. You know you’re in trouble when a Republican Senator has the high ground on diversity.

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BRIDGING THE GENERATION GAP – Actually, maybe floating over it. Polls showing something like half of the adults in America would legalize pot. That lights up common ground between today’s college students and their aging Baby Boomer parents. Both groups tend to be for legalization, although there was concern about adolescent pot use, which would then join adolescent drinking, tobacco and sex on the list of things parents themselves did but now counsel against.

LAST WEEK’S DISCUSSIONS:

n Alaska’s Gov. Sarah Palin and Louisiana’s porn star Senator Wannabe Stormy Daniels could be a 2012 Republican Dream Ticket at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/06/gov.html

n The recession must be ending because the political But Birds now have the time for English-only nonsense at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/06/recession-must-be-ending-springtime-for.html

n The cross-border trade of guns and drugs between Mexico and the U.S. is blooming, so the Customs and Border Protection folk are going to get tough – on pocket knives at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/06/customs-and-border-protection-cutting.html

n Newspaper consultants are telling their nervous employers that the way to make money in a nation of nymphomaniacs is to open a brothel at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/06/newspapers-and-nymphos-dying-newspapers.html

n Why do we need to know whether or not the employees of Brooksville, FL, are wearing underwear at work? See http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/06/internet-tower-of-babel-informed.html

Happy Fathers Day!

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