‘Much Easier Pickings’

Satan’s Garden of Eden

In The Garden State

Those who wondered where Satan set up shop after he got Adam and Eve booted from the Garden of Eden saw a strong hint yesterday in the federal arrests of three New Jersey mayors, two state assemblymen, five rabbis and mixed bag of other accused totaling 44.

“Not for nothing is it called The Garden State,” smirked Satan, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that his exact New Jersey location not be disclosed. “New Jersey folk are much easier pickings.”

When asked what made New Jersey citizens and politicians easy to corrupt, Satan said “maybe we can do a little business. You know, entrepreneurial stuff, free enterprise, like those mayors.”

The United States Department of Justice press release said Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano III was accused of accepting $25,000 in cash bribes, while Secaucus Mayor Dennis Elwell got on the list for accepting a $10,000 cash bribe and Ridgefield Mayor Anthony Suarez was charged with agreeing to accept a $10,000 corrupt cash payment for his legal defense fund.

“Ya gotta think ahead,” Satan said. “Plan for future needs, like that Suarez guy.”

Reminded that prosecutors had plans for those futures, Satan laughed “Yeah, I forgot. . .but say! What about your eternal future? Maybe you need some spiritual guidance. Trust me, I can make you a good deal – I just got five rabbis on the team, take your pick!”

Only two of the five rabbis arrested on money-laundering charges were from New Jersey, but Satan cautioned not to discount the other three because they had not yet reached the Promised Land. “They’re making a good-faith effort,” he said. “It’s wrong to judge someone just on the basis of where they live.”

He said that also applied to those arrested for human organ brokering and money laundering charges.”It’s a service economy,” he added. ”Even the feds bailed out financial guys and brokers. Folks need them, and so do I.”

Most of the other New Jersey figures hauled in for a compulsory chat with the feds were officials looking for campaign cash or other areas of opportunity and Satan was quick with his praise.

“What, you want dummies running your government?” he sneered. “These folks were smart enough to know when opportunity was showing a little leg -- don’t we need government that’s smart?”

Questioned about whether most of the arrested being Democrats would have an effect on the coming New Jersey governor’s race, Satan grew serious. “You know, it is wrong -- absolutely and completely wrong – to judge someone on the basis of their group affiliation,” he said.

“I and others have worked long and hard against this horrible habit of political profiling in New Jersey corruption cases, and your question disturbs me in that you asked it at all.”

Pressed that most of those arrested seemed to have Democratic connections, Satan became visibly angry, shouting “I look forward to the day when New Jersey politicians are judged not on their party identity, but on the content of their character!”

After a couple sulfurous minutes, Satan was asked to clarify that statement. Was there really a “content of their character” difference between New Jersey politicians of different political parties?

Several seconds of thought produced an answer more mellow in tone. “No,” Satan said with a reflective smile. “Not when you put it that way, not really.

“As I said earlier, New Jersey folk are just much easier pickings.”

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Wanted: National Go Away! Act

 

 

The Obama Administration is launching so many initiatives at once that national pundits find themselves having to work eight-hour days, which makes them cranky, so they write stories about “over-extending” or “spreading too thin.”

 

Those not familiar with the national pundit corps may worry that such stories often lack attribution and are written as though the pundit’s expertise were sufficient. A simple profile photograph of most of the national pundit corps would quickly put those worries to rest. By and large, the pundits show great personal expertise in extension and spreading -- they don’t call them heavyweights for nothing, you know.

 

But both the busy Obama Administration and the national pundit corps are ignoring the crying need for a national Go Away! Act. As a public service, here’s why it’s needed and how it would work.

 

The Need: Noticing that telemarketers were driving their constituents nuts with their carefully timed-to-dinner pitches, politicians created a National Do Not Call registry with penalties for calling registered  telephone numbers. Also noticing that telemarketers both contributed to political campaigns and helped run them, the politicians put in a tiny loophole.

 

It explains “calls from or on behalf of political organizations, charities, and telephone surveyors would still be permitted, as would calls from companies with which you have an existing business relationship, or those to whom you’ve provided express agreement in writing to receive their calls.”

 

This tiny little loophole sounds like the eye of a needle through which camels must pass for rich men to get to heaven, but in New Jersey, it’s big enough for whole stampedes of horses all galloping back-end-first into my phone receiver. In the last week, my ears have been battered with:

 

            --Four calls on behalf of persons running for governor of New Jersey. I understand that running is part of their life cycle and that first they run for elected office and then run from prosecution for what they did when they got it, but can’t they just go from larval-stage candidate to full-grown inmate without bothering the rest of us?

 

            --Five calls from the company that administers our prescription drug plan, all following a script that announces ordering a three-month supply of drugs by mail as a moneysaver, failing to mention that it would also cut the local pharmacist out of the loop, allowing the drug plan to pocket the pharmacist’s share.

 

            --Two calls from the insurance folks expressing concern over worries I might have that they were certain could be eased by paying them more money, and two more from charities committed to helping the less fortunate right after they help the charity staff.

 

There were other calls, but they all need The Solution:

 

In a national Go Away! Act, Congress could require all telephone companies to develop software that would allow any irritated customer to terminate one of the Do Not Call Registry loophole calls by punching *46 2929, the Touch-tone codes for *GO AWAY. Upon receipt of the code, phone company machines would record the calling number and terminate the call.

 

Software would then dial the calling number 15 times at random over the next 24 hours with some compelling message, perhaps the Collected Works of George W. Bush or War and Peace in an ancient Latin translation.

 

It could work – there’s a need, a will and a way. Just give me some time to put together a political organization to call you about it.

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