The End Is Near

The Devil’s In His Details

(Satan has been holding a Seven Deadly Sins performance review and just four demons have survived, including Slow Slug, demon of Sloth, who has been waiting two days to hear his fate as Satan’s punishments for non-performance escalate. See the first meeting minutes here and those of the second here.)

Slow Slug and the demons in charge of Wrath, Envy and Pride filed almost silently into Hell’s Executive Conference Center, each taking seats as far away from the throne at the table’s end as they could.

The feeding of the demons of Greed and Gluttony to the Hellhounds via a woodchipper yesterday had cast a pall, limiting even the joy of working visits to the former demon of Lust, now an open-mouth urinal.

“What I’d like to know,” said Green Goop, the Envy demon, “is what makes Slow Slug so special? Why isn’t he dog meat?”

“Yeah!” snarled Hot Fang, the demon of Wrath. “He screwed up and he’s still sitting here. It almost makes my blood boil!”

“Gentlemen! Please!” said Top Fop, the demon of Pride. “We must be better than that!”

“Actually, you must be worse than that,” Satan said as he appeared at the head of the table. “We are a performance-driven organization, are we not?”

Four surprised heads nodded eagerly. Where the Devil had he come from?

“And what is the drive behind our performance?” Satan prompted.

“Basics!” came the chorus.

“Basics indeed!” sneered Satan, “and besides unveiling the delights that await our friend Slow Slug, we need to continue reports. Do we have a volunteer?”

The demons all developed a sudden fascination with their toes.

“Tsk!” said Satan. “Such damned modesty! But we must begin, so we’ll award pride of place to Top Fop.”

The demon of Pride forced a smile.

“Come, come Fopsie, make us proud!” Satan prompted.

Top Fop launched into a detailed explanation of how the world of fashion and the drive to be fashionable had worked to foster pride, concluding “They dress for success, taking pride in their appearance!”

“So you say,” Satan said in seeming boredom, then turned to the demon of Wrath. “But come, Hot Fang, what have you to say?”

“Plenty!” roared the demon. He told of endless wars, ongoing hate, acts of anger ranging from a blared horn in traffic to murder. “Anger rules!” he shouted in conclusion.

“No, actually, I do,” Satan said with quiet malice. “But let’s carry on – Green Goop, share how you’ve fostered Envy, won’t you?”

“Divide and conquer!” Green Goop chortled.”Those that haven’t envy those that have, who envy those that have more, until those that have most envy those that haven’t for their simple lives. It’s perfect!”

“Hardly,” Satan said, “but hang around, all of you, while I think.” All four demons began dangling from nooses above the conference table.

Demons can’t die, but they can wish they could and as Satan stared into the middle distance, the choking and gurgling above him eventually died down to occasional twitches.

“Of course!” Satan suddenly roared. “Of course!” Looking up he laughed and said “Come, you hangers-on – back to business!” and four demons hit their conference chairs as the ropes disappeared.

“Gentlemen, you have had some small success,” Satan said as the demons rubbed raw necks, “but what you need is organization, rules, committees. You must optimize the cross-pollination of workflows and processes through mutually interdependent planning and execution of strategies focused on cross-supported goals!”

The demons looked at him dumbly.

“After all, it is a vital part of…?” Satan prompted.

“Basics?” came the muted, uncertain reply.

“Basics!” Satan said. “So here’s your new organization. Hot Fang, in addition to Wrath, you now have the Lust portfolio. You’ll report to Green Goop, who will also be personally responsible for Greed as Well as Envy. Green Goop will report to Top Fop, who will continue with Pride and adds Gluttony to his portfolio, as well as Sloth.”

“But! But!” started the demons in protest.

“Don’t thank me, lads” Satan said. “We’re just belt tightening, right-sizing and becoming lean and mean. Besides, I believe you’re familiar with the alternate process?”

They were all too familiar, especially when Satan added flushing and woodchipping sounds to the background noise.

“One more thing,” Satan added. “To promote the right spirit, the failure of any one of you will mean the punishment of all. That’s why we have such a tight leadership and reporting structure. Hot Fang reports to Green Goop who reports to Top Fop.”

“So Top Fop’s in charge?” whined Green Goop, practicing his envy skills.

“Hell’s Bells no!” Satan smirked. “To get the results I wanted, I had to find someone best suited to lead this great team. Gentlemen, I give you your top executive, Slow Slug!”

“But he’s never accomplished anything!” Hot Fang howled.

“Precisely!” Satan laughed. “Carry on, gentlemen – see you soon!”

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The Second Meeting

The Devil’s Details Continued

(Satan has been holding a Seven Deadly Sins performance review and already the big-mouthed demon of lust has become a urinal while Satan takes his time overnight pondering the demon of sloth’s fate. See the first meeting minutes here.)

Five of the six remaining demons snarled and snapped in what passes for Hell’s morning chat as they waited for Satan to continue the Seven Deadly Sins performance review at the fiery glowing crystal conference table.

The sixth, Slow Slug, stared morosely at his predecessor silently screaming in the table’s interior flames. Slow Slug had slothfully missed the boat on encouraging frenzied electronic pursuit of the useless in text messaging. Satan had promised he would get what he deserved and he shuddered at the thought of Pus Pot, the former demon of lust, now with a new career as Piss Pot, a urinal in Hell.

A scream of souls announced their host as Satan entered the room beaming “Ahh! Good Morning to all! So nice to see your eager faces!” He looked at the six, all of whom tried to beam confidence, except Slow Slug, who stared morosely at the table.

“Tsk!” Satan clucked. “Slow Slug! No apathy, my lad! Too late for that, you know. My promises are always kept, but no point in hurrying because we must continue getting back to. . .?” He looked at the other demons expectantly.

“Basics!” they roared as one, even Slow Slug joining in.

“Basics!” Satan echoed with approval. “And now let’s find whether we’ve been standing up too close or back to far to G-G – Greed and Gluttony. Grab and Gulp, make your reports!”

Two obscenely fat demons flashed oiled smiles as they pretended courtesy with “Please begin, Dear Gulp,” and “No, you first, Brother Grab,” until Satan frowned and they were whirling head over tail above a snarling woodchipper.

“Heads I win, tails you lose, Gentlemen?” Satan asked. “Or perhaps you would prefer to plunge into your reports instead?”

Both demons nodded vigorously, slick smiles intact and cold eyes fixed on the woodchipper until Satan dumped them on the conference table with a thump. “You there, Grab – please begin.”

“Greed has been triumphant!” Grab began while the woodchipper idled softly. “We have seen a recession caused by mortals trading ever more worthless securities for ever-expanding commissions until the inevitable collapse crushed the masses who nonetheless were forced to spend more to pay even higher commissions.”

“Yes,” said Satan, “that has been noted, Grab. You no doubt think it one Hell of an accomplishment?”

“You betcha!” Grab chirped. “And you, Sir?”

Satan just smiled tightly and turned to Gulp. “And you my little dumpling, what does Gulp have for our stew of accomplishment?”

Uncomfortable with the metaphor, Gulp nonetheless put a brave front on things and said “Obesity! Sir, we have great rolling, wallowing masses of obesity, tons upon tons literally being crushed to death by their own fat. If that’s not gluttony in action, I don’t know what is, Sir!”

“Clearly,” Satan observed dryly. “Yet nonetheless a weighty accomplishment.”

Satan glanced about the table. “Gentlemen, we have these reports! There must be judgment! And what is the basis for judgment?”

“Basics!” the six roared, with Grab and Gulp striving to be the loudest. They had, after all, reported progress.

“Yes, Basics,” agreed Satan, turning to Grab. “Grab, old boy, the greed of the few on the backs of the many speaks for itself of your work,” he said as Grab beamed in relief.

“And what shoddy work it is!” Satan roared. “Hell knows there will always be a few of great greed, but Hell wants greed by the millions! By allowing a few to be so greedy and exploit the many, you have taught the many a lesson about a sin they should avoid!” Grab trembled.

“And you, Gulp,” Satan sneered. “You have lived off the fat of the land claiming gluttony credit for obesity in a land of plenty. Hell would be far better served by the few obese gluttons in a land of famine. I sent you to foster sin and you return fostering junk food marketing.”

“But!” both demons protested as they and a now-roaring woodchipper levitated. “But indeed,” laughed Satan. “Time to feed my hellhounds, gentlemen, and they truly love butts!”

Demons and woodchipper vanished toward the horizon with a wave of Satan’s hand, pausing just long enough for the chipper to roar its highest, followed by short screams and the baying of hungry hellhounds being fed.

“Greed and Gluttony in action at last,” Satan smiled. “But enough work for a morning – Wrath, Envy and Pride will be tomorrow’s topics. I trust you all will have one Hell of a time until then. Dismissed!”

All four remaining demons scrambled to leave and as Satan watched them go he called “Oh there, Slow Slug! I haven’t forgotten you lad. Don’t despair! You’ll get what’s coming to you yet!”

To Be Continued…

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‘Much Easier Pickings’

Satan’s Garden of Eden

In The Garden State

Those who wondered where Satan set up shop after he got Adam and Eve booted from the Garden of Eden saw a strong hint yesterday in the federal arrests of three New Jersey mayors, two state assemblymen, five rabbis and mixed bag of other accused totaling 44.

“Not for nothing is it called The Garden State,” smirked Satan, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that his exact New Jersey location not be disclosed. “New Jersey folk are much easier pickings.”

When asked what made New Jersey citizens and politicians easy to corrupt, Satan said “maybe we can do a little business. You know, entrepreneurial stuff, free enterprise, like those mayors.”

The United States Department of Justice press release said Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano III was accused of accepting $25,000 in cash bribes, while Secaucus Mayor Dennis Elwell got on the list for accepting a $10,000 cash bribe and Ridgefield Mayor Anthony Suarez was charged with agreeing to accept a $10,000 corrupt cash payment for his legal defense fund.

“Ya gotta think ahead,” Satan said. “Plan for future needs, like that Suarez guy.”

Reminded that prosecutors had plans for those futures, Satan laughed “Yeah, I forgot. . .but say! What about your eternal future? Maybe you need some spiritual guidance. Trust me, I can make you a good deal – I just got five rabbis on the team, take your pick!”

Only two of the five rabbis arrested on money-laundering charges were from New Jersey, but Satan cautioned not to discount the other three because they had not yet reached the Promised Land. “They’re making a good-faith effort,” he said. “It’s wrong to judge someone just on the basis of where they live.”

He said that also applied to those arrested for human organ brokering and money laundering charges.”It’s a service economy,” he added. ”Even the feds bailed out financial guys and brokers. Folks need them, and so do I.”

Most of the other New Jersey figures hauled in for a compulsory chat with the feds were officials looking for campaign cash or other areas of opportunity and Satan was quick with his praise.

“What, you want dummies running your government?” he sneered. “These folks were smart enough to know when opportunity was showing a little leg -- don’t we need government that’s smart?”

Questioned about whether most of the arrested being Democrats would have an effect on the coming New Jersey governor’s race, Satan grew serious. “You know, it is wrong -- absolutely and completely wrong – to judge someone on the basis of their group affiliation,” he said.

“I and others have worked long and hard against this horrible habit of political profiling in New Jersey corruption cases, and your question disturbs me in that you asked it at all.”

Pressed that most of those arrested seemed to have Democratic connections, Satan became visibly angry, shouting “I look forward to the day when New Jersey politicians are judged not on their party identity, but on the content of their character!”

After a couple sulfurous minutes, Satan was asked to clarify that statement. Was there really a “content of their character” difference between New Jersey politicians of different political parties?

Several seconds of thought produced an answer more mellow in tone. “No,” Satan said with a reflective smile. “Not when you put it that way, not really.

“As I said earlier, New Jersey folk are just much easier pickings.”

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Satan’s Pride and Joy

 

Satan must be so damned proud.

 

The debate over Central Intelligence Agency torture of suspected terrorists now centers not on whether it was right or wrong, but on whether or not it was effective.

 

Since time began, turning our attention from issues of good or evil to procedural details has been high on Hell’s agenda. And at no time has success been as spectacular as in the last 100 years.

 

The debate in Nazi Germany was not over whether the execution camps were wrong, but whether the Final Solution functioned efficiently. Stalin’s artificial famines, forced collectivization and endless Gulags were criticized less for being wrong than for being economically inefficient.

 

And now the heirs of those who so proudly wrote “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness,” are treated to an August 1, 2002 memo from the ironically named U.S. Department of Justice that says:

 

·        It’s okay to grab a suspect’s head, slap them in the face and throw them against specially-built walls.

·        There’s no problem with putting a suspect into a box for 18 hours at a stretch.

·        Sleep deprivation for 72 hours is fine, as is forcing suspects to assume and hold body positions that bring intense muscle fatigue pain.

·        Putting feared insects into the box with the subject presents no issues.

·        Water-boarding, aka near-drowning, is perfectly legal, even if you do it to one suspect 183 times in a single month, and give another suspect a break with only 83 episodes.

 

We prosecuted folks in Germany and Japan who did things like that to detainees in World War II, but we have it on no less authority than former Vice President Dick Cheney that these things were necessary to keep us safe. Or as he told ABC News in a December 2008 interview”

“. . .So, it's been a remarkably successful effort. I think the results speak for themselves.

“And I think those who allege that we've been involved in torture, or that somehow we violated the Constitution or laws with the terrorist surveillance program, simply don't know what they're talking about.”

So a “remarkably successful” wrong is right, and therefore only a failed wrong is wrong, which opens the question of whether a failed right is wrong or a wrong right is failed, and. . .and the howls of laughter in Hell rise in unending crescendo.

 

Some have made so bold as to suggest that doing these things constituted crimes, both by those who ordered and did them and by those who blessed the whole stinking mess in pages of BureauLawerSpeak.

 

That must also amuse the Hell out of Satan, who has watched our concern as a nation slip from a mutual pledge of “our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor,” to a more convenient pledge of “your life to protect my fortune -- and honor be damned.”

 

Damned it will be, and Satan gets his amusement with little effort. Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich and the rest of the goose-brained goose-stepping Right are doing all the heavy lifting here, and the Prince of Darkness has no doubt prepared appropriate rewards.

 

Rewards in which we’ll all share unless we stop nattering about how effective a criminal act was in nabbing the loot and start prosecuting those who in the guise of protecting us from harm exposed us to a far greater evil.

 

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