All Systems Go! (Or Stop, Or. . .)

“And one thing I’d like to point out is that the system worked.” – Janet Napolitano, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, after a terrorist’s bomb failed to explode on a Detroit-bound jet.

“Great system, Janet Baby!”  -- Osama Bin Laden, master terrorist vowing to stop hiring explosives experts trained by Homeland Security.

Federal authorities have charged a Nigerian man with terrorism after an explosive he smuggled aboard a jet bound from Europe to Detroit burned instead of exploding, but no charges have been filed against the Obama administration bureaucrats who let him fly in the first place.

Nor have charges been filed against the “security” teams in Nigeria and Europe who let a 20-something guy with no checked luggage buy a ticket with cash and board a U.S.-bound jetliner with a six-inch tube of explosive and a chemical-filled syringe.

Nor have charges been filed against the system-loving bureaucrats at the U.S. embassy in Nigeria who didn’t do much after they heard this guy’s father warn that his son was  an incipient nut case who seemed to hate Americans and belong to the radical Islamist fringe.

In all of these cases, everyone was just doing their job in a working system.

So Janet Napolitano may be right that the system worked, but maybe we ought to think about a different system. Our responses to terrorists with this one haven’t been stellar.

Richard Reid tried to blow up a Miami-bound jetliner in 2001 with a similar explosive in his shoe. Our final threat response was to make everyone take off their shoes before going through airline passenger screening.

Since Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to set off a bomb hidden in his pants, perhaps our final response will be to make everyone take off their pants before entering the metal detector.

That could be effective, since the sight of millions of Americans trying to travel barefoot and bareass might so distract the terrorists that they wouldn’t have time to find another place to put a bomb. Or buy one that works.

However this all sorts out, it will certainly be interesting. Will Janet Napolitano stick with her working system? Will Osama Bin Laden finally hire someone who knows something about explosives?

Stay tuned. The program, alas, is far from over.

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Giving Thanks . . .Write On!

Thanksgiving tomorrow marks the uniquely American holiday when cardiologists measure the prospects for their future prosperity as families celebrate by first stuffing a turkey and then themselves.

It’s our way of saying we’re thankful.

Folks who write about current events have reason to be especially thankful, since they neither sow, nor do they reap, they just comment. And what a season for comment it’s been.

So in no particular order, this writer is thankful for:

The Republican Zipper Brigade, that stalwart band of buttoned-up Family Values types who earnestly pursue lives of zipper-down research into the sins they oppose – after all, Know Your Enemy, right?

Sarah Palin, who hasn’t finished a term as governor of Alaska or a complete sentence, and isn’t letting either trifle bother her in her pursuit of higher goals. Whether those goal include higher office, completed sentences or simply higher revenue from exploiting sudden celebrity isn’t clear, but why should clear be on the tables when it’s just what they want from under, you know and we won’t let them come on top with it, you betcha!

Lou Dobbs, who parted ways with CNN with a multi-million-dollar package to contemplate a future as a United States Senator or, perhaps, President of The United States. That his most devoted supporters, full-length mirrors, aren’t allowed to vote is just one more wrong he’s determined to right. Very right. Far, far  right.

Soon-to-be-former New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine, who discovered that while money can’t buy love, in a recession it can’t even buy New Jersey. Corzine spent significantly more than his opponents for significantly less results. Maybe it was part of a secret plot for him to move those talents to Washington, where they are a natural fit with the federal bailout mavens who also spend much and get little.

Wall Street, which spent the year jumping into a raging river of bad debt, being rescued by taxpayers, then giving itself a heroism bonus. This bit of gratitude is shared with the Obama Administration, which spent the year desperately trying to churn butter from the shit Wall Street swore was cream.

Swine Flu and The World Health Organization who proved that being largely innocuous and inept isn’t a bar to fame and fortune if your public relations staff is really earning its keep.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele, whose ability to stay on message –“I’m wonderful! I’m wonderful!” – transcends any meaningful attempts at bipartisan compromise on any issue.

America’s Daily Newspapers, which are reminding us that they’re too important to die and citing their own statements to make the argument, which would be funny if anyone were paying attention. Which they aren’t. Which is the problem.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

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First Annual Turkey Awards

Recognizing that Thanksgiving signals the beginning of the season in which awards are given for performance in the previous year, Larry Blasko Said is mildly pleased to announce the First Annual Turkey Awards, generally honoring those who may be stuffed full of it, but seldom roast as they deserve.

The Turkey Award For Nitpicking does to the South Carolina Ethics Commission, for leveling charges of misbehavior against Gov. Mark Sanford, mostly for flying business class to places like Beijing when state policy calls for coach fare. You can read the individual nits here, including the shocking charge that Sanford, a Republican, may have used campaign funds for a trip to President Obama’s inauguration. Sanford, you’ll recall, came to national notice after disappearing for five days during which aides and his wife were told he was hiking the Appalachian trail when he was really in Argentina with his “soul mate.” Hiking, of course.

The Turkey Award For Mirror Addiction goes to Lou Dobbs, former CNN anchor who got to be former after several tussles with his bosses over the difference between unbiased news reporting and his opinions, which were, he apparently assured himself, Revealed Truth. The latest truth he’s revealed is that he won’t rule out running for president in 2012.

The Turkey Award For Greatest Group Gobble goes to the Republican National Committee,  which spent 2009 coming out in firm, principled opposition to just about everything except its own firm, principled opposition. No certain connection between that and the sudden thirst of the RNC communication director on Monday to return to his career in the private sector, a career he only abandoned in March.

The Turkey Award For Inspired Indecision goes to the so-called Mainstream Media, which is on a straight path towards being rebaptized the Tributary Trickle Media. Faced with an overwhelming onslaught of readers and advertisers abandoning them for web-based alternatives, what’s left of Mainstream has endorsed pay walls except when it hasn’t, thundered strict copyright enforcement except when it didn’t, and searched relentlessly for a clue, any clue.

The Turkey Award For Shameless Greed goes to Wall Street, which gobbled up so much “profit” on questionable investments that taxpayers had to fund mega-billion bailouts – so Wall Street could gobble up billions in bonus money reflecting stellar performance. This award is paired with the Turkey Award For Determined Innocence to the Obama Administration’s economic wizards who see no evil intent, hear no evil intent and certainly speak of no evil intent about  those struggling Wall Street titans, many of whom have been forced to cut back to only three or four homes.

The Turkey Celebrity Strut Award goes to former partial-term Alaska governor and failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who has displayed a mastery of the limelight not seen since Betty Boop, and comes close you betcha to matching Boop’s intellectual and linguistic achievements. Now hustling her book Going Rogue, Palin wins for an impressive display of going commando on policy initiatives.

The Turkey Longest To Hatch Award goes to the Obama administration, which has been setting on a coherent exit policy for both Iraq and Iran for most of a year. Yeah, Old George built the nest, but the Obama crowd has spent months on it without producing either egg or chick.

Finally, the Turkey Who Types Award goes to this author, who enjoys the wonders of criticizing performance without being responsible to perform. Or as Voltaire said, “A witty saying proves nothing.”

Thank God we ain’t got none of that.

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Stunning Departure

Sense From Congress! Really!

Every once in a while, folks in Congress suggest something that makes sense, and no, this isn’t like saying that even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then.

The four Senators who are making sense – in public, no less! – happen to be Republicans. Still, their idea is so compelling that it deserves serious consideration.

The idea: a constitutional amendment that limits Congressional terms to a pair of six-year stints in the Senate and three two-year terms in the House. Not terribly radical, since the 22^nd Amendment limits the President of The United States to two terms. And anyone who thinks a Member of Congress can cause less mischief over a couple of decades than a sitting president over eight years simply hasn’t been paying attention.

The four mavericks bolting from Congress’s shuffling seniority herd are Senators Sam Brownback, Kansas; Tom Coburn, Oklahoma; Jim DeMint, South Carolina, and Kay Bailey Hutchinson, Texas.

The points they’re making seem obvious and valid, which probably guarantees rough sledding ahead for passage of their proposed amendment, but the points are worth paraphrasing here:

·        The possibility of multiple terms and human nature inevitably focus most of a Member of Congress’s attention on getting re-elected and amassing power.

·        The People’s business and interests become secondary to retaining power.

·        The system is heavily tilted toward incumbency, with the redistricting powers and others focused more on the needs of professional politicians and less on reflecting the needs or hopes of constituents.

A central part of the argument is that those who started our democracy probably didn’t envision anyone serving more than a couple of terms in Congress, which was then an act of public service, not a career. That began to change before the Civil War until a government of the people, by the people and for the people has become a government of the incumbents, by the incumbents and for the incumbents.

In a Congress ruled by The Mighty Lord Seniority, matters tend to be decided not so much by the weight of logic as by the time a member’s weight has been attached to a seat. Seniority mostly determines committee assignments and leadership. Since committees are where the work Congress occasionally does gets done, even ideologues are forced to play the game, ignoring the irony that by the time Fresh Thought reaches the seat of power, it will have unknowingly morphed into Old Orthodoxy.

So Brownback, Coburn, DeMint and Hutchinson are to be praised for seeing a tremendous problem and proposing a common-sense solution.

That’ll probably be one of the charges leveled against them from an at-last united, truly bi-partisan congressional majority which can conceive of no greater good for the nation than their next congressional paychecks.

Still, it was good of the four Republicans to try, even if, as the song suggests, only the good die young.

Which means most in Congress without this amendment will live forever.

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Top Secret Confabs Exclusive!

Congress Faces Ethics Threat

Top Secret bipartisan meetings are being held by Congressional leaders determined to nip in the bud an ethics incident that has them terrified. “This sort of thing could shut down Congress!” said one senior representative who only spoke with reporters present on condition of anonymity.

“It’s a threat to the Republic,” agreed another senator, also demanding anonymity and helpfully explaining “it’s got to be airtight, just like a sealed indictment.”

Their topic was first-term Republican Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana, who stunned both parties when he became the only Republican to join 219 Democrats in voting for the Health Care Bill in the House.

Crossing party lines is frowned on upon in both houses of Congress, where tight party loyalty is the mud that lets the legislative wheels spin vigorously without actually getting anywhere. It’s also the basis for many warm, personal relations with lobbyists and others who contribute to good government, or at least to government that’s good to them.

“You have to look at more than just Cao’s vote to see the enormity of this threat,” confided a ten-term representative. “Check his motives, the reasons this guy gave – it’s absolutely astounding!”

Cao said in a statement that he voted for the Health Care Bill because "I have always said that I would put aside partisan wrangling to do the business of the people. My vote tonight was based on my priority of doing what is best for my constituents.”

“How the Hell can you do business with ethics like that?” complained one senator who is just a heartbeat or a conviction away from an important committee chairmanship. “Doesn’t he know Congress is about scratching what itches?”

Another leader just shook his head. “You can’t explain itches and scratches to a guy in a hair shirt,” he said to murmurs of agreement.

Although the congressional leaders in the secret meeting did achieve complete bipartisanship in their determination to keep others from going Cao’s ethical route, there was less agreement on the best way to accomplish that.

Democrats favored using tax dollars to get Cao to go away. Republicans wanted the funding to come from the private sector. Efforts to reach a compromise died when the most senior member of Congress in the room roused from what seemed a nap and said “Wait a minute, you guys. You’re all fussing about how to pay this guy to go away, but did you ever stop to think that maybe he can’t be bought?”

Cries of horror and outrage were all reporters were able to record before being firmly ushered out of the meeting room by Capitol Police.

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Mainstream Media At Work

Heads We Win, Tails You Lose

Today is election day in some parts of the country and the mainstream media is poised to tell us what it all means – unless it doesn’t mean that, in which case they’ll still tell us.

Or they might tell us that just because it looks like the results don’t mean much is the exact reason they do mean a great deal. If fact, the only rock-ribbed certainty about today’s election is that the mainstream media will tell us something – after all, it’s what they’re paid to do.

Hopes that whatever we will be told might have some connection to what actually happened are merely naïve and betray no understanding of the principles that made mainstream media what it is today.

The most sacred of these principles is that no matter what, you gotta fill the space around the ads. If you don’t do that, you’ll lose audience, and losing audience means losing advertisers, which – steady yourselves for the unthinkable – means losing money.

Devotion to the Sacred Principle is what has driven the endless coverage of what amounts to two ho-hum governorships (New Jersey and Virginia) one gay marriage referendum (Maine) and the 23^rd Congressional District of New York, which no one, including many who lived there, had much noticed before.

In New Jersey, incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine of the Fat Wallet and Bald Pate is being challenged by Republican Chris Christie, who has hair and carries with him a memento of every donut in his life. An Independent, Christopher J. Daggett, is challenging both. Most popular sentiment seems to favor None of The Above, alas not on the ballot.

In Virginia, Republican Robert F. McDonnell seems to be running comfortably ahead of Democrat R. Creigh Deeds in a race that distinguishes itself in that unlike New Jersey, the winner might actually have the support of a majority of the voters.

And in that New York congressional race, the Republican withdrew to endorse her Democratic opponent after the full-moon madness of the Limbaugh/Palin GOP suggested that policy debates with Democrats would be squeezed out by time spent fighting off the RRR (Rabid Republican Right). To which Rush Limbaugh responded in elevated fashion by allegations of bestiality involving RINOs (Republicans In Name Only).

As for Maine, the legislature had earlier passed a law permitting gay marriage and the question on the ballot seeks to repeal that. Ayup.

All of which wouldn’t amount to much ad-padding, whether in print, on the air or on the web, assuming any of it was important enough to mention in a sane world, or even the mainstream media world.

So if there’s an election in your neck of the woods today, please go vote. Never mind the candidates or the issues. Even the mainstream media can’t tell us what your vote means if you don’t cast one.

Then learn the next day why you did what you did or didn’t do what you did or did what you didn’t because you wouldn’t or couldn’t as only the seers of the mainstream media can tell.

Bet you can hardly wait.

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Moderate GOP Strategy Emerges

Move Over, Snail Darter!

Informed sources say moderate Republicans are giving serious consideration to a plan that would have the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declare them an endangered species.

The plan would have the Department of The Interior unit begin the long process that would protect embattled GOP moderates from predators, both human and Conservative Republican.

Rumors of the plan first surfaced when a moderate Republican candidate in New York’s 23^rd congressional district withdrew from the race and threw her support to the Democratic candidate in Tuesday’s election. State Assemblywoman Dierdre Scozzafava decided to drop out when she found fellow Republicans favoring Conservative Party Candidate Doug Hoffman. She endorsed her former opponent, Democrat Bill Owens.

Scozzafava drew the attention of Conservative GOP predators by supporting abortion rights, union rights and gay marriage – sure-fire ways to attract Conservative Republicans on their nightly journeys from the 18^th century to feed.

Moderate GOP strategists found much to like in the Endangered Species Act strategy, which would allow them to mount defenses on several important fronts. Since the designation as an endangered species intends to preserve the unique qualities of a group, it would defend against moderate Republicans simply being absorbed by the Democrats.

Endangered Species Act designation would also help moderate Republicans defend their environment from the pollution spilling from Mount Limbaugh and other active brimstone-spouters.

Still, political observers were quick to point out that Endangered Species designation can take at least 18 months and often much longer, time that moderate Republicans don’t really have as they try to withstand repeated attacks from both Conservative Republicans and Liberal Democrats.

Besides the 23^rd district in New York, the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia are also up for grabs, as well as state referendums on gay marriage in Maine and on casinos in Ohio, all highlighting the dangers to another species, Mass Media Pundits. That breed of pundits feeds on controversial races, and in an election with few races of any sort, the lack of fodder is beginning to take its toll.

Observers say they are able to hear fewer and fewer pundits during the daily howl ritual, which must indicate that many are no longer able to feed.

While there has been talk of government intervention on the Mass Media Pundits’ behalf, many elected officials feel that this is a case where natural selection must be allowed a free hand.   

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A Real Stimulating Stimulus

For young folks, getting stimulated usually involves a Significant Other or a Significant Fantasy. For those of us getting Social Security Checks, it involves the Obama Administration and the New York Times.

Can we do better? Yes we can!

Some might find President Obama or members of his administration cute, but the Good Grey Lady of Times Square? Good God, has it come to that?

What it’s come to is that the Obama crowd and the Times are on opposite sides of the debate on how best to stimulate Social Security recipients. Many of us are still fully capable of telling what stimulus should be applied where and when, but Dr. Obama seems to think that $250 in government stimulation will work better than private stimulation.

True, with a Senior Discount, $250 might actually pay for reasonably classy stimulation, maybe even near Times Square, but that’s not the view of the New York Times. The Times harrumphs in an editorial that the $250 proposed because inflation fell and there won’t be a Social Security Cost of Living Adjustment this year is just politics:

“The Obama administration has called for an expensive crowd-pleaser of dubious effectiveness: sending every Social Security recipient an extra $250,” says the Times.

The crowd the Times is worried about Obama pleasing is the 57 million or so Americans who get Social Security checks and whose politics have matured from the age of All You Need Is Love to the current Baby Boomer theme -- You Screw Us and We’ll Screw You At The Polls.

Which is why the Obama administration, which includes strong vote-counting ability among its core talents, proposed the stimulus. And it’s also why the Times is upset, since doing anything that smacks of market-oriented, vote-driven politics makes the Times Politburo nervous.

As long as this debate goes on, nobody wins. The Obama administration isn’t pumping some $13 billion into the economy under the cloak of Senior Stimulation, the New York Times isn’t advancing its agenda, and seniors are left, at best, with do-it-yourself stimulation.

So here’s a proposed better way:

Every single adult member of the population will be issued a $125 voucher. The voucher itself will be worthless unless it’s combined with another voucher. Then it will be worth $250.

What the holders of individual vouchers will do to persuade other holders to combine is up to their sense of social responsibility, not to mention their imagination, libido and patriotism.

The Obama administration will be happy because even more than $13 billion will be pumped into the economy. The Times will be happy because everyone will be treated “from each according to his ability to each according to his need.” And seniors will be happy because for a change, they’ll get laid instead of screwed.

Call your U.S. Representative today!

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Recovering Politicians In GAPAC Deserve Public Support, Sympathy

Recovering politicians finishing their terms of office or prison sentences because of what they did in office are being cruelly abandoned to fate, and it is time concerned Americans rallied behind the Give A Pol A Chance (GAPAC) movement.

GAPAC seeks to reach out to former politicians who admit to a Higher Power, usually the District Attorney, and help them get on the path to ordinary citizenship.

GAPAC workshops for example, deal with concepts that politicians new to the ordinary jobs Outside will find challenging, including Spending Only What You Earn, Working For Those Who Hire You, and A Full Day’s Work For A Full Day’s Pay.

Although membership in a GAPAC group has traditionally been anonymous to accommodate those used to living in a world of anonymous, sources, donors, accusers, sponsors and unindicted co-conspirators, some details of the GAPAC program have surfaced.

New members of GAPAC usually appear before their first group meeting and engage in the following ritual introduction:

New Member: Hi, my name’s well known, and this is on deep background.

Group: Hi on deep background!

Other meeting rituals include a reenactment of the original No 12-Step Program, in which any public project that would ordinarily be completed in 12 steps with nine of them contracted to your relatives is actually completed in three and under budget.

GAPAC realizes that its members are subject to a world of temptation and maintains hotlines where recovering politicians facing that temptation can find help both from GAPAC and affiliated groups:

· Recovering politicians who encounter mirrors and again find themselves falling hopelessly in love are encouraged to call 1-800-GET-UGLY, a GAPAC group that helps the overly self-esteemed cool down to room temperature, at least in public.

· Those recovering politicians who return to reality and discover multiple wives and/or mistresses, all of them unhappy, get a free copy of Paul Simon’s 1975 hit “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” and a copy of major bus company route systems by visiting the affiliated web site itwasonlyphysical.com.

· Campaign debt and other loans are still a burden to many, so loan counseling is available at whotostiffwithoutbecomingone.com, a firm with offices in New York, Chicago and Las Vegas that specializes in short-term loans and long-term payments, boasting on its website that it has “No Living Unhappy Customers.”

Other GAPAC efforts ease reentry into ordinary social life, offering seminars on Groping Those You Don’t Employ and Hitting On Those Who Now Hit Back.

In all, support for GAPAC efforts should be a priority for all Americans who value our traditional democracy and its wonderful institutions. GAPAC asks that instead of direct contributions, sympathizers contribute to the political campaigns of their choice.

“We think of it as seed money,” a GAPAC official confided. “No matter where they start, we know they’re ours eventually.”

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Top-Secret No More

Doofus Directorate Revealed

WASHINGTON – A previously top-secret arm of the Obama administration came to light late last week when the workings of the Doofus Directorate were discovered.

The revelation came after the Coast Guard’s scheduled September 11 anti-terrorist drill on the Potomac rattled nerves. The nerves rattled belong to the FBI and Secret Service, who get all jumpy about folks bouncing over the Potomac with machine guns while the president is nearby laying a wreath – especially when they get no advance warning.

Web chatter indicated possible White House ties, and LBS Impact Journalism put the focus on Stool Number 3 of a bar that declined to be identified near the National Press Building. There determined Inferential Reporting (IR) investigators found a 60-something white guy in a serious relationship with a glass of bourbon.

Under probing questioning, the source identified himself as Haffington A. Bubbleshy. After IR bought another round, he revealed himself as CFO (Chief Fubar Officer) of an Obama administration group so secret “even Vice President Biden couldn’t remember it.”

Asked for more than such an obviously long list, Bubbleshy tap-danced to another IR-funded bourbon and explained that he worked for the “Doofus Directorate at the White House.”

Ordinary reporters, under accounting pressure on bar tabs, might have stopped, but the IR crew pressed on, learning that the Doofus Directorate was a secret group charged with tagging the Obama White House with mistakes.

“They need us to seem human,” Bubbleshy explained. “I mean, here’s an administration headed by this black guy who’s a law professor with enough ivy on his resume to go into the landscaping business. Everything he touches seems to work eventually. You know what kind of hate and envy that’s going to generate? “

Intense IR training prompted reporters to ask “What kind?” and Bubbleshy said “The kind that comes from everyone who screws up when they see a guy who never does – so that’s where we come in.”

Keen Washington reportorial instincts prompted “Come in to do what?”

“To screw up!” Bubbleshy proudly declared. “Those Secret Service guys are always talking into their sleeves about taking a bullet for the president. Hah! We take pratfalls for the president!”

Asked for examples, Bubbleshy’s emotions were obviously a mix of caution and pride. “This is off the record, right?” he asked. “It’s not gonna be like I’m naming a CIA op or anything, right?”

Reassured with a motion for yet another bourbon, Bubbeshy smirked” You guys remember that Manhattan Air Force One flyover with those two F-16s tailing?” IR reporters nodded skillfully and Bubbleshy crowed “well that was our work!

“Just think about it!” he almost bellowed. “After the World Trade Center attacks, an apparent passenger plane flying a weird pattern over Manhattan chased by fighter jets? Panic? A White House seemingly without a clue?”

Bubbleshy paused to let his point sink in. “Don’t say so because this conversation never happened,” he said, “but you can thank the Doofus Directorate for that.”

Well, what about the Coast Guard drills, the IR reporters demanded. Was the Doofus Directorate also claiming credit for that?

“Well, no, not exactly. . .” Bubbleshy said quietly, swirling his bourbon. “That was kind of spontaneous from the Department of Homeland Security.”

“Does that bother you?” an IR reporter asked.

“Of course!” snapped Bubbleshy. “We’re getting paid to make the President look like his guys stumbled, and then these amateurs come in. What’s that gonna do to our job security?”

“You mean you have job worries?” IR reporters asked.

“Geez , don’t you guys read the papers?” said Haffington A. Bubbleshy of Plumb, VA.

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G.O.P. Tar Baby Tactics

Republican Secret Strategy Revealed

Seasoned political observers said Republican reaction to President Obama’s Wednesday speech on health care reform revealed new clues on Republican development and strategy.

Pointing out that most Republicans spent the evening sitting on their hands during Obama’s applause lines, analysts said it was a sound rebuttal to the charge that Republicans can’t find their asses with both hands. “The Republican party had both hands firmly in place for all to see,” said one GOP representative. Few Democrats denied the observation.

Others saw the passive Republican behavior as part of a secret Republican plan to deal with increasing Democrat demands and a shrinking Republican base by adopting a Tar Baby strategy.

Based on the folk-tale writings of Joel Chandler Harris, the Tar Baby strategy uses a dummy to smear and entangle anyone who tries to connect. An example was South Carolina Republican Representative Joe Wilson shouting out “You lie!” when Obama said the proposed health plan wouldn’t cover illegal immigrants.

That Wilson is from South Carolina affirms his dummy credentials, but close observers said he was stung by calls from both parties to apologize. Informed sources said he briefly considered South American airplane tickets for a reflective hike on the Appalachian trail using South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s map. Wilson ultimately apologized for his “lack of civility,” although some wondered whether fellow Republicans had applied pressure after considering the possible loss of illegal immigrant household help.

Meanwhile, designated readers at Republican pre-speech conferences also reportedly told lawmakers that B’rer Rabbit, the ensnared victim in the Tar Baby folk tale, escapes by convincing his captors to throw him into the briar patch. He convinces them he fears it most, but knows it’s his home and haven.

That reportedly energized Republican lawmakers to redouble their efforts to torpedo health care reform, secure in the knowledge that the electorate would throw them into the briar patch outer darkness most call home.

(In a side development, several Republican lawmakers reportedly expressed unease that Uncle Remus, the narrator in Harris’s folk tales, is an African American. Makes them nervous. They were reassured when designated readers explained that at the time of the narrative, Uncle Remus would have been owned by a Red State person.)

Other Republicans at the conference listened to the designated readers and asked if those who set the Tar Baby in B’rer Rabbit’s path were engaging in malicious deception and misrepresentation. There was palpable relief when the readers confirmed that behavior, prompting one Republican member of Congress to mutter “glad we’re sticking to the basics.”

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President or Pretty Boy?

Tonight’s The Night For Obama

Tonight’s the night when America finds out if it elected a President in November or just a Pretty Boy who can show his teeth only when he smiles.

President Barack Obama will address a joint session of Congress and the rest of us on reforming our health care system. That Americans spend more and get less on health care is beyond dispute, but rational debate has disappeared beneath a wave of partisan point-scoring, most of it coming from the Rabid Right.

The Rabid Right strums a tune of Fear and Smear, Resent and Distort on the mindstrings of the under-educated and under-employed who form their base. Those who fear any change as another shove down the ladder become the natural allies of those who grow rich on the status quo. It is an ongoing spectacle of the exploited supporting their exploiters.

That’s one part of what a President must say tonight and one of the topics a Pretty Boy will dodge. Consensus and bi-partisanship and good feelings are all very fine, but the big decisions are about Right and Wrong and a President is elected to decide.

Decisions made are hollow unless actions follow. That’s another thing that sets Presidents apart from Pretty Boys. A Pretty Boy will support “universal health care” fervently in all ways that don’t involve doing something. A President will show his support by getting things done, making change happen, leading the country, not polling it.

President Obama and the Democrats have the votes in both the House and the Senate to pass a Health Care Reform bill. Republicans will howl, but it can be done without a single Republican vote. The Constitution doesn’t call for universal love, it calls for majority rule. President Obama and the Democrats have majorities – we don’t know yet whether they will rule.

If what we get tomorrow night are clear health reform goals, objectives and timetables, we’ll be listening to a President.

If the political message tomorrow is “We’ll remember who supported us and especially remember who opposed us,” we’re listening to a President.

If the only appeal to bi-partisanship is one to “do the right thing, not the political thing,” we’re listening to a President.

So here’s a hope that tonight’s address will be a Presidential Address.

We need one.

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