A Hell of A Plan

The Devil’s Details

“Gentlemen!” Satan roared, “Basics! We must get back to basics!”

“Basics!” echoed his seven new deadly sin lieutenants as they sat nervously around the crystal conference table’s red glow. Their predecessors twisted inside the table in flames. This was the newbies first performance review and they were well aware that most never got a second.

“You, Pus Pot!” Satan sneered, “You’re in charge of Lust – Report!”

Pus Pot broke off from exchanging an obscene gesture with his former boss in the table and assumed an expression of confidence.

“We’ve triumphed!” he shouted. “Sex is everywhere! It’s in all forms of media, the constant topic of conversation, a complete obsession!” He waited for Satan’s reaction. It didn’t come.

Pus Pot continued anyway, detailing all the ways lust has pervaded life, building up to a rhetorical big finish.“It’s all sex, all the time!” the demon crowed, then paused a microsecond before slyly adding “And I trust we can drink to that?”

Satan smiled. “Oh, yes, Dear Dear Pus Pot, most assuredly you can drink to that.”

“Great!” the demon said as he opened his mouth in a wide grin.

“Hold that thought,” Satan said as Pus Pot vanished.

“For the curious among you,” Satan said, “Our colleague has accepted reassignment here” and materialized a video of Hell’s men’s room. Pus Pot and his wide wide-open grin joined a line of other demons serving as urinals. “Cheers!” Satan laughed.

“He made it too easy,” Satan explained. “Lust no longer required defiance. It became as pervasive and normal as breathing. The essence of sin is defiance. No defiance, no sin. Basics!”

“Basics!” echoed the six remaining demons, most murmuring through tightly closed lips as the video continued to show Pus Pot at work.

“Our former colleague Pus Pot,” Satan said “has now become Piss Pot” – he paused to wait for the obligatory nervous chuckles – “but that shouldn’t interfere with your continued reports.

Ahh! Slow Slug my boy! How goes the Sloth trade? Slowly, I trust?”

Another round of nervous chuckles as Slow Slug deliberately got to his feet, thought better of it and just as deliberately slid back into his seat.

“Outstanding!” Satan beamed. “Leading by example!”

Slow Slug showed the uncertain beginnings of a smile starting to creep ever so slowly across his fangs until Satan continued “Alas! In This modern age, simply being slow to do anything isn’t enough. The new form of sloth is to actively pursue other things to do instead of work, often working twice as hard to accomplish nothing.”

Satan paused to look at the group. Though none dared say it, their confusion was evident. “It’s really quite simple,” he continued. “We call it text messaging. Thanks to our development team, we can observe text messaging being pursued with great vigor and energy – but since it accomplishes almost nothing, it is a supreme form of sloth. Basics!”

“Basics!” echoed the demons, even Slow Slug putting his heart into it.

“And you, Slow Slug,” Satan said turning to the unfortunate demon. “You have been too slow to grasp the subtleties of sloth. Remember that energy in the promotion of sloth is no vice and moderation in promoting sin is no virtue.”

Slow Slug began what he hoped was an energetic nod, but Satan interrupted. “You will get what you deserve, Slow Slug – but don’t hurry me! Basics!”

“Basics!” echoed the other demons, wondering which would be next under the Infernal Gaze.

“Dismissed!” said Satan with a grin. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Pleasant dreams! Oh – and do remember to visit with your former colleague Piss Pot. He’d love to get your input!”

To Be Continued…

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