The Second Meeting

The Devil’s Details Continued

(Satan has been holding a Seven Deadly Sins performance review and already the big-mouthed demon of lust has become a urinal while Satan takes his time overnight pondering the demon of sloth’s fate. See the first meeting minutes here.)

Five of the six remaining demons snarled and snapped in what passes for Hell’s morning chat as they waited for Satan to continue the Seven Deadly Sins performance review at the fiery glowing crystal conference table.

The sixth, Slow Slug, stared morosely at his predecessor silently screaming in the table’s interior flames. Slow Slug had slothfully missed the boat on encouraging frenzied electronic pursuit of the useless in text messaging. Satan had promised he would get what he deserved and he shuddered at the thought of Pus Pot, the former demon of lust, now with a new career as Piss Pot, a urinal in Hell.

A scream of souls announced their host as Satan entered the room beaming “Ahh! Good Morning to all! So nice to see your eager faces!” He looked at the six, all of whom tried to beam confidence, except Slow Slug, who stared morosely at the table.

“Tsk!” Satan clucked. “Slow Slug! No apathy, my lad! Too late for that, you know. My promises are always kept, but no point in hurrying because we must continue getting back to. . .?” He looked at the other demons expectantly.

“Basics!” they roared as one, even Slow Slug joining in.

“Basics!” Satan echoed with approval. “And now let’s find whether we’ve been standing up too close or back to far to G-G – Greed and Gluttony. Grab and Gulp, make your reports!”

Two obscenely fat demons flashed oiled smiles as they pretended courtesy with “Please begin, Dear Gulp,” and “No, you first, Brother Grab,” until Satan frowned and they were whirling head over tail above a snarling woodchipper.

“Heads I win, tails you lose, Gentlemen?” Satan asked. “Or perhaps you would prefer to plunge into your reports instead?”

Both demons nodded vigorously, slick smiles intact and cold eyes fixed on the woodchipper until Satan dumped them on the conference table with a thump. “You there, Grab – please begin.”

“Greed has been triumphant!” Grab began while the woodchipper idled softly. “We have seen a recession caused by mortals trading ever more worthless securities for ever-expanding commissions until the inevitable collapse crushed the masses who nonetheless were forced to spend more to pay even higher commissions.”

“Yes,” said Satan, “that has been noted, Grab. You no doubt think it one Hell of an accomplishment?”

“You betcha!” Grab chirped. “And you, Sir?”

Satan just smiled tightly and turned to Gulp. “And you my little dumpling, what does Gulp have for our stew of accomplishment?”

Uncomfortable with the metaphor, Gulp nonetheless put a brave front on things and said “Obesity! Sir, we have great rolling, wallowing masses of obesity, tons upon tons literally being crushed to death by their own fat. If that’s not gluttony in action, I don’t know what is, Sir!”

“Clearly,” Satan observed dryly. “Yet nonetheless a weighty accomplishment.”

Satan glanced about the table. “Gentlemen, we have these reports! There must be judgment! And what is the basis for judgment?”

“Basics!” the six roared, with Grab and Gulp striving to be the loudest. They had, after all, reported progress.

“Yes, Basics,” agreed Satan, turning to Grab. “Grab, old boy, the greed of the few on the backs of the many speaks for itself of your work,” he said as Grab beamed in relief.

“And what shoddy work it is!” Satan roared. “Hell knows there will always be a few of great greed, but Hell wants greed by the millions! By allowing a few to be so greedy and exploit the many, you have taught the many a lesson about a sin they should avoid!” Grab trembled.

“And you, Gulp,” Satan sneered. “You have lived off the fat of the land claiming gluttony credit for obesity in a land of plenty. Hell would be far better served by the few obese gluttons in a land of famine. I sent you to foster sin and you return fostering junk food marketing.”

“But!” both demons protested as they and a now-roaring woodchipper levitated. “But indeed,” laughed Satan. “Time to feed my hellhounds, gentlemen, and they truly love butts!”

Demons and woodchipper vanished toward the horizon with a wave of Satan’s hand, pausing just long enough for the chipper to roar its highest, followed by short screams and the baying of hungry hellhounds being fed.

“Greed and Gluttony in action at last,” Satan smiled. “But enough work for a morning – Wrath, Envy and Pride will be tomorrow’s topics. I trust you all will have one Hell of a time until then. Dismissed!”

All four remaining demons scrambled to leave and as Satan watched them go he called “Oh there, Slow Slug! I haven’t forgotten you lad. Don’t despair! You’ll get what’s coming to you yet!”

To Be Continued…

###