2009 Was Hardly Fine

Ah, 2009, we hardly knew Ye – which, in retrospect, was just as well.

After all, you were the year in which it was a national imperative to bail out the stock markets, which bailed so nicely they had their best year since 2003. Of course, the little folks along the way who lost jobs in the worst times since the Great Depression didn’t do so well, but 2009 wasn’t a year for the little folks.

There was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in 2009 for the average American. Gold prices went through the roof, production costs for rainbows became prohibitive, and the pot was repossessed when the little folks fell behind in the payments.

But it would be wrong of the little folk to resent the bankers and stock speculators for their taxpayer-funded success and bonuses. They followed the time-honored principle for sinking ships of “Women and children first!” into the lifeboats. They just interpreted it as a good way to lighten ship so that bankers and speculators could be spared wet feet.

Yet there were successes in 2009. The advisors who worried at the year’s start that newly-sworn President Barrack Obama needed to look more human by making some mistakes are entitled to hoist a “Mission Accomplished” banner. Perhaps they can borrow a barely used one at the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

Tiger Woods, who had redefined so much of golf, redefined the term “extra hole.” It had been a final hole played in sudden death to determine a tie-breaker. Woods expanded that to those played at the risk of sudden death when the one you married found out about the rest of the course and grabbed a nine-iron.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford entered linguistic history when he pioneered the antonym to the phrase “take a hike!” most often used by young women to reject male advances. Thanks to Sanford, those told to “take a hike” have hope of hearing a reversal in “let’s hike the Appalachian trail.” Sanford’s genius was in demonstrating that the only hiking involved could be limited to skirts and that the properly viewed Appalachian trail started in Argentina.

Republican Party Chairman Michael Steel earned the “L’Etat –C’est Moi!” (I Am The State)  award named in honor of Louis XIVth of France when he charged as much as $20,000 as an “inspirational speaker” as opposed to the speeches he’s supposed to make as GOP chairman. Critics in the Free vs. Fee debate on Steele talking suggest $20,000 is indeed inspirational, if only for the speaker collecting the fee.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s devotion to Mad Magazine Alfred E. Neuman’s “What, Me Worry?” philosophy earned her  accolades for announcing that the security system “worked” when it allowed a single guy without baggage, paying cash, to board an international flight while wearing a high-explosive codpiece. Speculation is that as soon as the fuss peters out, Napolitano will explore other elements of  work -- as in elsewhere, pronto.

“Cash For Clunkers,” meant to stimulate American automakers by providing cash incentives for consumers trading in gas guzzlers discovered that consumers were incented all right – to buy foreign-made cars. This program should not be confused with taxpayers bailing out the America automakers who made the old cars in the first place. That one is titled “Dumb Clucks Giving Cash.”

And, of course, Congress closed the year deeply divided on Health Care Reform, a plan that would provide the public at large health care benefits as generous in some respects as those enjoyed by members of Congress and their staffs. The angst is understandable – how do you know you’re an elite if the benefits you enjoy are also available to the folks who elected you?

Best wishes to all for a better 2010 – but don’t make any bets on it.

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All Systems Go! (Or Stop, Or. . .)

“And one thing I’d like to point out is that the system worked.” – Janet Napolitano, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, after a terrorist’s bomb failed to explode on a Detroit-bound jet.

“Great system, Janet Baby!”  -- Osama Bin Laden, master terrorist vowing to stop hiring explosives experts trained by Homeland Security.

Federal authorities have charged a Nigerian man with terrorism after an explosive he smuggled aboard a jet bound from Europe to Detroit burned instead of exploding, but no charges have been filed against the Obama administration bureaucrats who let him fly in the first place.

Nor have charges been filed against the “security” teams in Nigeria and Europe who let a 20-something guy with no checked luggage buy a ticket with cash and board a U.S.-bound jetliner with a six-inch tube of explosive and a chemical-filled syringe.

Nor have charges been filed against the system-loving bureaucrats at the U.S. embassy in Nigeria who didn’t do much after they heard this guy’s father warn that his son was  an incipient nut case who seemed to hate Americans and belong to the radical Islamist fringe.

In all of these cases, everyone was just doing their job in a working system.

So Janet Napolitano may be right that the system worked, but maybe we ought to think about a different system. Our responses to terrorists with this one haven’t been stellar.

Richard Reid tried to blow up a Miami-bound jetliner in 2001 with a similar explosive in his shoe. Our final threat response was to make everyone take off their shoes before going through airline passenger screening.

Since Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to set off a bomb hidden in his pants, perhaps our final response will be to make everyone take off their pants before entering the metal detector.

That could be effective, since the sight of millions of Americans trying to travel barefoot and bareass might so distract the terrorists that they wouldn’t have time to find another place to put a bomb. Or buy one that works.

However this all sorts out, it will certainly be interesting. Will Janet Napolitano stick with her working system? Will Osama Bin Laden finally hire someone who knows something about explosives?

Stay tuned. The program, alas, is far from over.

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A Visit From Congress

T’was The Day Before Christmas

T’was the Day Before Christmas, and up on The Hill

The Senate was met to consider a bill,

A bill to fix Health Care, a bill that would pump it,

A bill that Republicans roared “We must dump it!”

“That bill would let paupers with lumps in their heads,

“Or sweating and shaking with fever in beds,

“Be treated by doctors, be folks just like us!”

“Oh, my goodness gracious, we must raise a fuss!”

From Rush, Glenn and Sarah arose such a clatter,

That wavers of tea bags quite mad as a hatter,

Would protest a bill that said spending for health,

Should not be a privilege restricted to wealth.

The Goons of the Right with their feverish chant,

Tried to turn “Yes We Can!” into “Hell No We Can’t!”

But to their great wonder and great Right Wing Fear,

A consensus of sense just began to appear.

With Harry Reid steering and cracking the whip,

And buying back those who might think to jump ship,

With politics stolen from “Let’s Make A Deal!”

Health Care at least, began to seem real.

“Now Nelson! now Baucus! Now Schumer and Tester!

“On Boxer! On Franken! On Feinstein and Specter!

“To a 60-vote cloture! To an end to this stall!

“Now vote away! Vote away! Vote away all!

As  politics’ bubbles all end with small pops,

Especially thoughts unenhanced by brewed hops,

So straight into passage the Health Care bill flew,

With 39 nays, but 60 Woo Hoo!

The next step’s a conference of Senate and House,

To iron out kinks so there’s nothing to grouse,

And nothing to sneer at and nothing to hate,

In a health care reform that’s at least decades late.

And then in each chamber a vote half-plus-one

Is next-step in doing the job to be done.

Then White House for signing and reform at last

It finally gets done, but it sure wasn’t fast!

Now Right Wingers growl, and they bristle like thistle

About helping others except with a missile.

But health reform’s coming, don’t doubt it one bit.

And for those who can’t stand it, “Hey Fellas -- Tough Shit!”

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Good Government Chicago Style

Citizens concerned about the expense of government should take a look at Chicago’s solution tomorrow, a new approach that doesn’t involve city officials selling public offices, souls or much of anything else, at least officially.

Chicago is shutting down on Christmas Eve to save money. Except for police, fire and other essential services, the thousands of city officials on Chicago’s payroll won’t work tomorrow and they won’t get paid. (At least by the city – whether or not Chicago’s organized crime network would observe the no-pay rule for its own list of city officials was unclear.)

Because the city government will also be closed for the Christmas holiday, Chicagoans will have 48 hours without the benefits – or expenses – of government as they have come to know it. It’s an idea with possibilities.

For example, no-show city workers still won’t show at the jobs granted by their political patrons, but they won’t get paid. That brings both a savings and increased productivity, since it now takes less paid non-work to do nothing than it did before.

Beyond essential public safety services, only a few other absolutely vital functions will continue without interruption. Chicago’s deceased who are concerned about the continuity of their voting records can rest easy that they’ll continue to be good, if otherwise undemanding, citizens.

Other cities, as well as state and federal governments should pay close attention to the Chicago experiment. Shutting down non-essential government for one day a week allows taxpayers to save 14-20 percent of payroll expenses.

Suppose the Department of State shut down for one day a week. It would issue no statements, position papers or protests. The hands or other body parts of oil-producing nations wouldn’t get kissed, threats wouldn’t be made, bluffs called or situations deplored.

The betting is that most taxpayers wouldn’t notice a bit of difference. As for the foreigners the Department of State is supposed to keep in line, our enemies would still hate us and our allies would still line up for handouts – but the difference is it would cost us less.

See, everyone wins!

The same benefits could be considered for the IRS, the courts, Congress, the White House and their counterparts at the state level. Yes, it’s true that for Congress to cut back to a four-day workweek it would first have to increase to a five-day stint, but that’s a technical detail and shouldn’t distort the big picture.

As Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley (the first one) said “Good government is good politics.”

His son the mayor might think about saying “Less government is good politics – and cheaper, too.”

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Republican Rebirth Ideas

With dreaded health-care reform looming in spite of their objections, Republicans need a comeback agenda based on their strengths as a bunch of rich, repressed, elderly white guys.

Here are some Old Value-based rebirth initiatives restated for renewed consideration. (We don’t consider new values – we’re Republicans, remember?)

INCREASE ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX ED awareness by holding a series of public workshops. The party is loaded with natural speakers here – South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, Nevada Sen. John Ensign, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, all of who have abstained from the monotony of married sex. Besides, all three men have contributions to make in other areas. Sanford’s trysts with an Argentinean could be cited as part of the GOP’s outreach for the Hispanic vote. Ensign’s employing his lover’s hubby then later helping him get another job would be perfect as an example of trickle-down economics. Vitter could become the GOP poster boy in the campaign for privacy in telephone communication.

REACH ACROSS RACIAL DIVIDES by hiring famous persons from real life to tell how they reached out to other races. A good example would be multiracial Tiger Woods, who might be hired to explain the cross-racial benefits of his vigorous outreach with women not his wife. With word on the street that some of Tiger’s sponsors are jumping ship, he also might be persuaded to do double duty as an Abstinence-Only speaker since he seems to have abstained from any love interest other than Caucasians.

INCREASE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES by hiring full-time agents whose job it is to keep RNC chairman Michael Steele away from mirrors and so create time he might devote to boosting the party. Other agents could work on psychological campaigns, convincing the wing of the GOP that likes to wave tea bags that tea is really a Communist drink, the favorite beverage of Russians, and that real Americans wave full cups of coffee. The boost to the dry-cleaning and laundry detergent industries would be immense.

REACH OUT TO THE RESENTFUL who are tired of all those goody two-shoes folks who finished school lording it over real Americans. Accept Sarah Palin for what she is on any given day. Her followers do, because they know that even if her positions on Tuesday are exactly opposite her positions on Monday, they were still Sarah’s Positions and that’s all they need to know.  Or want to know. Or can know. But if your five-gallon bucket is full and my one-pint bucket is full, we’re both carrying full buckets and are equals, right?

You betcha.

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Week-Before-Christmas Newscake

Fruity little bits from the week-before-Christmas newscake, in which another senator with insurance ties opposes health care reform on principle (honest!), the U.S. lags in suicides, spy drones supply the Taliban and Al Qaeda with home movies and New York City seeks to bring art really up close and personal.

Mean Spirited folk accused Connecticut’s (technically) independent Senator Joe Lieberman of opposing health care reform because of ties to the insurance industry. Heck no, he’s doing it on principle, just like the latest Democrat holdout, Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, who has reservations about abortion funding. Those objections are absolutely unrelated to his pre-politics work experience, here quoted verbatim from his web site:

“Following his time as a student, Nelson enjoyed a successful career in insurance law. He served as CEO of the Central National Insurance Group, as chief of staff and executive vice president of the National Association of Insurance Commissioners, and as director of the Nebraska Department of Insurance.”

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Distracted Art Viewers may be too busy with other things to truly appreciate the artwork, but the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene is looking for a new package design on the condoms it distributes. About 40 million condoms a year go to The City That Never Sleeps, perhaps explaining why. If you feel your design is truly seminal, you have until January 22 to enter it here.

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Equal Opportunity Marches On with word from the Shady Lady Ranch, one of Nevada’s 24 legal brothels, that it may hire a male prostitute. Seems the state has approved a method of making sure male service providers are healthy, but the county still has to give its blessings. While the recession hasn’t exactly laid the brothel business flat on its back, the hope is that adding males will bring revenue spikes.

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A transparent and open administration doesn’t seem to be a problem for the Obama folks, at least in the areas of national security. In the last four weeks, the Transportation Security Administration’s airport security manual was leaked to the internet, including color specimen IDs of those allowed to carry weapons aboard aircraft.  Earlier we  had the party crashers at Obama’s first state dinner. Now we learn that insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan are watching the unencrypted videos from the drone aircraft sent to spy on them.  Did no one in Washington wonder why all the villagers seemed to be waving all the time?

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Remember Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction? Seems British intelligence was sharing with U.S. counterparts that Saddam had the weapons and could deploy them on 45 minutes’ notice. Turns out that the source for that hot intelligence was an Iraqi taxi driver retelling a conversation he remembered overhearing in the back seat of his cab some two years earlier. Newsweek has details here.

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U.S. lags on suicides according to information released by the Organizations for Economic Cooperation and Development. Roughly ten of every 100,000 Americans kill themselves, far behind Korea, Hungary, Japan and Finland, where the rate per 100,000 runs around 21 to 18. Check out the data here. Although the report doesn’t say, some speculate that fewer Americans opt for Final Checkout than other countries because the current U.S. health care system beats them to the punch. This speculation draw outrage from bootstrap conservatives who are appalled that the U.S. lags in any international category and enraged that government plays any part – even neglect – in what should be a private matter.

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Santa’s Congressional Stocking List

Oh Ho! Ho! No! Coal Futures Soar

Coal futures spiked Tuesday after reports that Santa Claus had reviewed the Naughty and Nice List for Congress and the nation’s governors.

A North Pole spokesman denied any connection, saying “No! (Koff! Koff!) we (Hack! Hack!) never release our (Cough! Cough!) purchasing patterns.”  Asked why he wasn’t seeing a doctor about that cough, spokesman Grinning O. Earhair said “Can’t afford it – no health insurance.”

Although the Jovial Office declined to comment on specific lists being bandied about the Internet, Larry Blasko Said has been able to confirm several recipients and their intended stocking stuffings.  Sources all requested anonymity, but generally claimed to be leaking information from the Checked Twice List.

Senator Joseph Lieberman (Depends) Connecticut, is on Santa’s list for two tons of high-sulfur soft coal, the kind of coal that easily crumbles under slight pressure and burns with a distinctive odor. Senator Lieberman’s last-minute objection to the Senate’s health-care reform compromise was based entirely on Principle, which  coincidentally may be what the Connecticut-based insurance industry thoughtfully titled its list of talking points.

Governor Mark Sanford (R) South Carolina can expect the elves to dump his own two stocking tons, but this will be from the Rio Turbio mines in Argentina.  It’s not as good as the coal found on the Appalachian Trail, perhaps, but it has caused Sanford’s wife to tell him to take a hike anyway as she seeks a divorce. Rio Turbio translates as Muddy River, Cloudy River, Shady River or Murky River, depending upon which of Sanford’s initial explanations about his Argentinean sweetie is under consideration.

Former Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) Illinois, who got to be “former” by acting up more than even Illinois Democrats could stand is in line for three tons of Illinois’s finest coal, which turns out to underlay 65 percent of the state. Governor Rod’s percentage of dark stuff underneath appeared to exceed even that as he set new standards in retail governance, putting state appointments and other perks on sale each in their season. Those speaking in his defense point out that state offices, acts and appointments were sold to all comers on a completely non-discriminatory basis, establishing benchmarks for corruption without racial discrimination.

Senator John Ensign  (R) Nevada, gets just a shovel-full of coal, his extra-marital penalty softened by his contribution to full employment and economic stimulus in a recession, At one time he employed both his lover and her husband and Ensign’s parent contributed more than $90,000 to the the couple’s economy. Although the contribution by Ensign’s parents seemed focused on keeping things quiet, critics charged the intent wasn’t environmental.

Senator Barbara Boxer (D) California has earned a long ton of shiny, hard-to-light, anthracite coal for telling an Army general who kept addressing her with the respectful title “Ma’am” to instead call her “Senator.” Why she would prefer the title of lesser respect is hard to bring to light, hence the coal choice.

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Faith for Conservative Republicans!

Conservative Republicans got important help in a study released by the Pew Forum On Religion & Public Life, which reports that almost 30 percent of Americans say they’ve been in touch with someone who has died.

“We didn’t think Senator McCain was being quite that active,” said one Republican party conservative. Told that McCain was very much alive, at least personally, he said “Oh, did Sarah bring him back?”

The study of American religious beliefs and practices offers information that fits nicely with GOP conservative wing public positions and actions. It gives the faithful affirmation and the rest of the country confirmation. For example, 25 percent of Americans expressed a belief in astrology, Pew said. That’s cheering for conservatives wistful for the Reagan years, as well as mainstream critics of the last Bush administration, who point out that at least the Reagan bunch consulted something.

Pew says some 16 percent also believe in the evil eye and casting curses. That roughly corresponds to conservative talk radio audiences. For the record, Pew reported no direct evil mouth measurement in its charts, although the reference to “casting of curses” gives pause.

Some of the superficially best news for conservatives in a party that doesn’t have either house of Congress or the White House is that Pew finds 24 percent of adults believe in some form of reincarnation. Experts caution that reincarnation doesn’t necessarily meaning coming back better or at least the same. Conservative republicans could be reincarnated as Neanderthals, for example, leaving social values intact but presenting other challenges.

The study also found that 26 percent of Americans believe there is spiritual energy in physical things, and although the study didn’t mention fossil fuels, conservative friends Big Oil and Big Coal have established records in energy that moves everything from vehicles to votes. Still, accurate measurement for comparison is a challenge – the Great Free Market has established accurate measurements of energy costs and Congressional vote costs, but spiritual energy has been more difficult, especially in Washington.

Perhaps the best news for conservative Republicans from the Pew study is the prospects for future growth. According to Pew, significantly more Democrats and Independents believe in reincarnation, yoga, spiritual energy, astrology and the evil eye than do overall Republicans.

“Them folks could be the good new old blood we need,” mused a senior conservative.”After all, there’s plenty of room in the long and narrow conservative tent, plenty of room.”

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Cold? Internet Al Says You Aren’t

Global warming is a huge problem and we know this because former Vice President Al Gore says so and after all, he created the Internet, didn’t he?

Gore said "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." (March 1999, CNN).

Gore supporters say that quote is out of context and Gore today says those who deny global warming "persist in an air of unreality." Having been a politician before he got the Nobel Peace Prize for his global warming work in 2007, Gore is clearly qualified to recognize unreality when he sees it.

Not everyone else is so qualified. Folks this week in Madison, Wisconsin were clearly unqualified to see 18 inches of blowing and drifting global warming for the unreality it was. They were so unqualified that they shut down the University of Wisconsin campus for an extremely rare snow day.

But that’s probably because they don’t see the bigger picture, which will be on display at Copenhagen’s climate conference. Like most other entertainment, Copenhagen will require a ticket and the one being used is a simple unquestioning belief that humans and their greenhouse gas production are making the earth warmer.

Folks like Gore will say we’ve got to stop burning fossil fuels and raising and eating so many farting cows. We must make do with less and pay more for it, Gore will say before returning to his mansion and perhaps a steak dinner.

Doing with less will be welcomed as fashionably correct by some of the 20 percent of humans on the planet who live in advanced societies. The other 80 percent won’t much care, since worrying about your next meal often distracts you from higher realities.

Still, our climate leaders are convinced that when things are properly explained, most of the world’s population will be content to live hungry in the dark because burning fossil fuels for electricity or power farming equipment contributes to global warming. And our leaders can certainly cite each other when asked to justify their claims, since they admit no higher authority.

There are skeptics. Former Alaska Governor and Chief Republican Ditz Sarah Palin strays off-message and makes sense when she notes that climate cycles are natural and adds in a Washington Post op-ed that “…while we recognize the occurrence of these natural, cyclical environmental trends, we can't say with assurance that man's activities cause weather changes. We can say, however, that any potential benefits of proposed emissions reduction policies are far outweighed by their economic costs.”

To which Al Gore and his playmates in Copenhagen will tut their tuts and say they have solid evidence that human activity is causing global warming. After all, they have maybe 100 years of measured data from a few places on a big planet that’s 4.5 billion years old. Before my calculator got tired, it told me that’s a sample of 0.000000022 percent for any one place, never mind the whole globe.

That’s not even a sample big enough to call a presidential election, but don’t worry, former Vice President Al Gore says the earth is warming and after all, he’s the guy who “took the initiative in creating the Internet.”

That thought will probably warm hearts in Madison, Wisconsin, where temperatures will hit -2 degrees Fahrenheit at night and skyrocket to 15 in the day. Although they might feel cold they will know that in reality they aren’t cold because Al Gore and his Copenhagen playmates say the globe is warming.

Besides, Gore and Company are again taking the initiative. If you’re freezing or starving or just skeptical, be polite about suggesting where and how they should take it.

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Monkeys Talk – We Should Listen

Monkeys talk less and say more, something a human society with thousands of cable TV channels and the Internet ought to consider.

A report in the New York Times comments on a language used by monkeys in the Ivory Coast, but contains no comments from those monkeys on the language humans use in the United States. (Typical one-sided reporting job from Mainstream Media.)

Still, the Times says Campbell’s monkey is reported to say “Krak! Krak!” which announces a leopard looking for a once-only lunch partner.  We might say “There’s a possibility of a feline predator, possibly a leopard, although whether or not it is hunting has yet to be determined.”

And the hunting leopard might say “the Windbag Special looks good.”

Campbell’s monkeys have a vocabulary of only a few words, but they can have different meanings depending upon how they are put together. As the article explains, the words seem pretty much clear and to the point, aimed at survival in the bush.

Humans, on the other hand, have a vocabulary of thousands of words and seldom are clear and to the point. Our words are not aimed at survival in the bush as much as beating around it.

A monkey would call another monkey who enjoys beating on weaker monkeys a bully. I do not know how that is rendered in the actual Monkeyspeak, but I’m willing to bet it has nothing to do with “recurrent aggression management issues.”

A monkey confronted by another monkey who smells bad says “You stink!” There is probably no monkey equivalent of “social scent selection issues.”

Monkeys who steal are branded as thieves and punished if caught. There are no monkey words for “property ownership identification disorder” or “behavior modification enabling.”

Monkeys who do not wish to speak, don’t. Humans who do not wish to speak call press conferences to announce that they have nothing to say.

Monkeys have sex as they please and don’t talk about it much. Humans talk about having sex as they please, occasionally have it, and talk about it still more – especially if it’s about sex someone else had.

The Times article said more scientific experiments would be done to see if humans had correctly decoded the monkey messaging system. The monkeys were not said to have any interest in decoding the human messaging system.

Is it any wonder?

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Rules for Holes Needed

Tiger’s Practice Course

The number of holes on Tiger Woods’ Practice Golf course is expected by some to reach a dozen by the end of the week and serious golfers are talking about which golfing rules might apply.

Some of the practice-hole owners and designers are also talking about which clubs they might apply to Woods and where, but that is another topic entirely. So is the wisdom of letting the various holes run into each other, which tends to limit play.

But golf means getting the ball into the “hole by a stroke or successive strokes in accordance with the Rules,” the USGA rules say, adding that for situations in dispute and not covered by the rules, the “decision should be made in accordance with equity.”

So too should it be with Practice Golf, a sport at least as widely played as regular golf and much, much older.

As with all serious rules governing behavior, it is impossible to anticipate every question, so precedent is a guide. In that spirit, some suggested rules to explore:

Playing Two Balls At Different Holes gets you disqualified in real golf; in practice play, you’re lucky if that’s all it gets you.

Playing A Ball On The Wrong Green will cost you the hole in real golf match play, two strokes in stroke play --  and a hell of a lot of money in practice play.

Golf etiquette demands safety about not hitting others with clubs; practice play demands attention to not getting hit with golf clubs by others.

Golf etiquette demands concern not to distract other players; practice play should focus on not being discovered by other players.

Golf etiquette requires covering up your tracks in sand traps; Practice Golf requires covering them up everywhere.

Real golf holes are played in sequence; Practice Golf holes must always be assured that they are the only holes truly in play.

Real golf score are often posted for all to see; scoring in Practice Golf is best kept to yourself.

Practice Golf allows for a wider variation of equipment and technique than real golf, although both forms of the game make available coaches who will try to improve technique for a fee. Performance-enhancing drugs are frowned upon in regular golf play, but may be required in Practice Golf play, especially when the player has accumulated a large number of practice holes.

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Weekend Tids and Bits

Best Little Whatchacallit In Texas? – The brass at the Dallas Morning News are at pains to make us understand that just because some editorial section leaders will now report to advertising/sales “general managers,” it doesn’t mean that the editorial product is for sale. Oh, no, not indeed. Why that’s just as obvious as noting that women who wear skimpy outfits and  congregate in houses are just trying to avoid heat stroke, or that flashy-dressing guys who seem to know lots of girls looking for dates are just crusaders against loneliness. Those journalists who object to the fate of this once-proud newspaper are just stuck in the old-fashioned, anti-marketing thinking that if it looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk, it’s probably a skunk. Shame on them! (Subject to marketing approval, of course.)

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More Marketing Tips and Tactics –  Prostitutes in Copenhagen were upset when officials sent mailed warnings to hotels. The warnings advised attendees at the United Nations Climate Change Conference not to patronize the ladies.  So the ladies let it be known that any delegate to the conference that starts Monday who shows up with one of those warning cards, credentials  and certain needs will have those need met – on the house, reports Spiegel Online.

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Guys never had to worry about the issues addressed by Ogden Nash in his famous couplets titled “What’s the use?”

Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance . . .
Have you seen yourself retreating?

But the New York Times is reporting on a company, Bonobos, that wants to make the male rear-view fit, well, uh, fitter. Read the Times article here.  Possible upside: At last, a way for a guy to pose the question “Honey – do these slacks make me look fat?” Possible downside: A straight answer.

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Look For The Silver Lining Award Nominee has got to be the news that burglaries are down. Are citizens still getting chewed over by the recession maintaining their honesty anyway? Or are their fellow citizens staying home more because they’re also out of a job, thus denying more burglars the privacy they need to work?

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Have a great weekend!

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