Week-Before-Christmas Newscake

Fruity little bits from the week-before-Christmas newscake, in which another senator with insurance ties opposes health care reform on principle (honest!), the U.S. lags in suicides, spy drones supply the Taliban and Al Qaeda with home movies and New York City seeks to bring art really up close and personal.

Mean Spirited folk accused Connecticut’s (technically) independent Senator Joe Lieberman of opposing health care reform because of ties to the insurance industry. Heck no, he’s doing it on principle, just like the latest Democrat holdout, Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, who has reservations about abortion funding. Those objections are absolutely unrelated to his pre-politics work experience, here quoted verbatim from his web site:

“Following his time as a student, Nelson enjoyed a successful career in insurance law. He served as CEO of the Central National Insurance Group, as chief of staff and executive vice president of the National Association of Insurance Commissioners, and as director of the Nebraska Department of Insurance.”

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Distracted Art Viewers may be too busy with other things to truly appreciate the artwork, but the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene is looking for a new package design on the condoms it distributes. About 40 million condoms a year go to The City That Never Sleeps, perhaps explaining why. If you feel your design is truly seminal, you have until January 22 to enter it here.

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Equal Opportunity Marches On with word from the Shady Lady Ranch, one of Nevada’s 24 legal brothels, that it may hire a male prostitute. Seems the state has approved a method of making sure male service providers are healthy, but the county still has to give its blessings. While the recession hasn’t exactly laid the brothel business flat on its back, the hope is that adding males will bring revenue spikes.

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A transparent and open administration doesn’t seem to be a problem for the Obama folks, at least in the areas of national security. In the last four weeks, the Transportation Security Administration’s airport security manual was leaked to the internet, including color specimen IDs of those allowed to carry weapons aboard aircraft.  Earlier we  had the party crashers at Obama’s first state dinner. Now we learn that insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan are watching the unencrypted videos from the drone aircraft sent to spy on them.  Did no one in Washington wonder why all the villagers seemed to be waving all the time?

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Remember Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction? Seems British intelligence was sharing with U.S. counterparts that Saddam had the weapons and could deploy them on 45 minutes’ notice. Turns out that the source for that hot intelligence was an Iraqi taxi driver retelling a conversation he remembered overhearing in the back seat of his cab some two years earlier. Newsweek has details here.

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U.S. lags on suicides according to information released by the Organizations for Economic Cooperation and Development. Roughly ten of every 100,000 Americans kill themselves, far behind Korea, Hungary, Japan and Finland, where the rate per 100,000 runs around 21 to 18. Check out the data here. Although the report doesn’t say, some speculate that fewer Americans opt for Final Checkout than other countries because the current U.S. health care system beats them to the punch. This speculation draw outrage from bootstrap conservatives who are appalled that the U.S. lags in any international category and enraged that government plays any part – even neglect – in what should be a private matter.

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Santa’s Congressional Stocking List

Oh Ho! Ho! No! Coal Futures Soar

Coal futures spiked Tuesday after reports that Santa Claus had reviewed the Naughty and Nice List for Congress and the nation’s governors.

A North Pole spokesman denied any connection, saying “No! (Koff! Koff!) we (Hack! Hack!) never release our (Cough! Cough!) purchasing patterns.”  Asked why he wasn’t seeing a doctor about that cough, spokesman Grinning O. Earhair said “Can’t afford it – no health insurance.”

Although the Jovial Office declined to comment on specific lists being bandied about the Internet, Larry Blasko Said has been able to confirm several recipients and their intended stocking stuffings.  Sources all requested anonymity, but generally claimed to be leaking information from the Checked Twice List.

Senator Joseph Lieberman (Depends) Connecticut, is on Santa’s list for two tons of high-sulfur soft coal, the kind of coal that easily crumbles under slight pressure and burns with a distinctive odor. Senator Lieberman’s last-minute objection to the Senate’s health-care reform compromise was based entirely on Principle, which  coincidentally may be what the Connecticut-based insurance industry thoughtfully titled its list of talking points.

Governor Mark Sanford (R) South Carolina can expect the elves to dump his own two stocking tons, but this will be from the Rio Turbio mines in Argentina.  It’s not as good as the coal found on the Appalachian Trail, perhaps, but it has caused Sanford’s wife to tell him to take a hike anyway as she seeks a divorce. Rio Turbio translates as Muddy River, Cloudy River, Shady River or Murky River, depending upon which of Sanford’s initial explanations about his Argentinean sweetie is under consideration.

Former Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) Illinois, who got to be “former” by acting up more than even Illinois Democrats could stand is in line for three tons of Illinois’s finest coal, which turns out to underlay 65 percent of the state. Governor Rod’s percentage of dark stuff underneath appeared to exceed even that as he set new standards in retail governance, putting state appointments and other perks on sale each in their season. Those speaking in his defense point out that state offices, acts and appointments were sold to all comers on a completely non-discriminatory basis, establishing benchmarks for corruption without racial discrimination.

Senator John Ensign  (R) Nevada, gets just a shovel-full of coal, his extra-marital penalty softened by his contribution to full employment and economic stimulus in a recession, At one time he employed both his lover and her husband and Ensign’s parent contributed more than $90,000 to the the couple’s economy. Although the contribution by Ensign’s parents seemed focused on keeping things quiet, critics charged the intent wasn’t environmental.

Senator Barbara Boxer (D) California has earned a long ton of shiny, hard-to-light, anthracite coal for telling an Army general who kept addressing her with the respectful title “Ma’am” to instead call her “Senator.” Why she would prefer the title of lesser respect is hard to bring to light, hence the coal choice.

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Faith for Conservative Republicans!

Conservative Republicans got important help in a study released by the Pew Forum On Religion & Public Life, which reports that almost 30 percent of Americans say they’ve been in touch with someone who has died.

“We didn’t think Senator McCain was being quite that active,” said one Republican party conservative. Told that McCain was very much alive, at least personally, he said “Oh, did Sarah bring him back?”

The study of American religious beliefs and practices offers information that fits nicely with GOP conservative wing public positions and actions. It gives the faithful affirmation and the rest of the country confirmation. For example, 25 percent of Americans expressed a belief in astrology, Pew said. That’s cheering for conservatives wistful for the Reagan years, as well as mainstream critics of the last Bush administration, who point out that at least the Reagan bunch consulted something.

Pew says some 16 percent also believe in the evil eye and casting curses. That roughly corresponds to conservative talk radio audiences. For the record, Pew reported no direct evil mouth measurement in its charts, although the reference to “casting of curses” gives pause.

Some of the superficially best news for conservatives in a party that doesn’t have either house of Congress or the White House is that Pew finds 24 percent of adults believe in some form of reincarnation. Experts caution that reincarnation doesn’t necessarily meaning coming back better or at least the same. Conservative republicans could be reincarnated as Neanderthals, for example, leaving social values intact but presenting other challenges.

The study also found that 26 percent of Americans believe there is spiritual energy in physical things, and although the study didn’t mention fossil fuels, conservative friends Big Oil and Big Coal have established records in energy that moves everything from vehicles to votes. Still, accurate measurement for comparison is a challenge – the Great Free Market has established accurate measurements of energy costs and Congressional vote costs, but spiritual energy has been more difficult, especially in Washington.

Perhaps the best news for conservative Republicans from the Pew study is the prospects for future growth. According to Pew, significantly more Democrats and Independents believe in reincarnation, yoga, spiritual energy, astrology and the evil eye than do overall Republicans.

“Them folks could be the good new old blood we need,” mused a senior conservative.”After all, there’s plenty of room in the long and narrow conservative tent, plenty of room.”

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