Monday, February 22, 2010

Warning! Failure to Warn
Causes Common Sense!

You know you’re old if you can remember when government just governed, enforcing the laws and otherwise letting you go your slovenly, ill-considered way in peace.

Back then, you had to call your mother or get married if you wanted a stream of unsolicited advice. Now it comes at every turn, and a groups of doctors wants more of it, noting that the national government that warns us against tobacco, alcohol, cholesterol and countless other perils has shockingly failed to warn us about hot dogs.

Not the nutrition stuff.  All hot dog packages already admit their nutritional contents in the confidence that hot dog eaters have already decided that nutrition be damned, they want something that tastes good.

No, the shocking oversight recently revealed is that failure to chew a big bite of hot dog can choke a kid. And the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) wants something done about it – a warning label, or maybe a redesign of the hot dog.

After all, the government already warns about small objects on toys and other products that could be choking hazards. Why not warn parents of the roughly 57 million children under the age of fourteen about hot dogs?  Doesn’t the government know that 77 a year of those 57 million kids (.00000367 percent) choke to death on food, some of it a hot dog?

Although raw carrots, grapes, nuts and other foods can cause choking, the hot dog is the focus of AAP concern. They are doctors, after all, and triage is part of the job.

Once hot dogs carry appropriate warning labels or are redesigned, we can move on to other pressing issues being ignored by government at all levels:

          * One hundred percent of babies born in the United States will eventually die, according to the government’s own statistics, but there is no federal, state or local mandate calling for appropriate warnings on birth certificates.
          * Except in rare cases involving capital punishment, the government compounds its failure to tell citizens they are going to die by also not telling them when, where or how.

Those are but two of the most compelling examples of government failing to warn its citizens against every possible hazard. It is only thanks to the groups like the AAP and the media that we are able to tell our federal government to stop worrying about the economy, terrorism, wars and other distractions and get busy on hot dogs.

We should also give the AAP and media a round of applause – after, of course, warning that sudden, loud and sustained noise has been identified as a cause of deafness.

Not to mention dumbness.

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Saturday, February 6, 2010

DADT to DOOFUS – and other recent notes on humanity’s progress

President Obama and the nation’s two top military leaders have called for an end to the policy that prevents gay Americans from joining the armed forces to give their lives so tribal thugs in Iraq and Afghanistan can beat their wives in peace.

In calling for an end to the years-old military policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT), the administration moves to bring gay Americans squarely under the decades-old policy of DOOFUS (“Do Obey Orders From Us”).

Although not a household word in its military connotation, our DOOFUS defense policy has a list of clear achievements:

          * DOOFUS-led thinking overcame many daunting obstacles to eliminate weapons of mass destruction from Saddam Hussein’s Iraq, not the least of which being there weren’t any WMDs to eliminate.
          * DOOFUS thinking made us oust the Taliban from much of Afghanistan, freeing the people from the control of religious zealots and allowing them to return to their simple agrarian ways as the world’s largest producer of opium.

That gay Americans could one day openly be a part of these and similar chapters in our nation’s history would be a turning point. One can only hope that having mastered the art of turning, we could together approach the holy mystery of which direction.

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IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL as global citizens learned that both former Vice President Al Gore and current terrorist Osama Bin Laden have some common ground. Both are concerned about global warming, which Bin Laden blamed on industrialized nations in a recent rant. Actually both men also share a high regard for the late Alfred Nobel – Gore because he earned the peace prize created in Nobel’s will and Bin Laden because he appreciates the dynamite Nobel invented.  Pairing the two prominent figures on the world stage might have created more of a buzz, but Washington and most of the East Coast chattering classes were busy shoveling repeated foot-deep doses of global warming.

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R.I.P. MASSACHUSETTS PURITANISM – Republicans who snorted indignantly for decades over the reputed private amorous dalliances of the late Senator Ted Kennedy certainly showed a different way and their true moral compass when they nominated – and their fellow citizens elected – Scott Brown to fill Kennedy’s seat. Brown, who posed nude for Cosmopolitan, is not only a senator with nothing to hide, but is very clearly on the record hiding nothing.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010



Brain-Soaking Slogans
 For Teabaggers

In an outreach to intellectuals, leaders of the conservative Teabag Movement in American politics want to expand their debate terms beyond “Nazi!” and “Socialist!” to include slogans – “something that can soak into your head,” one explained.

So as a public service, (Sorry! No Offense Intended!) here are slogans that members of the Teabag movement can embrace, as long as they use only their right arms. Critics who say the right-only policy indicates half-embraced intellects are Nazis or Socialists anyway.

If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It.
If God had intended for things to feel good on this Earth, then there wouldn’t be any point to Heaven, would there? Feeling good on this Earth is like trying to peek under the Skirts of the Hereafter, and you know where that gets you, don’t you?

Don’t Trust Anyone Who Can Count To 30
A man’s head is lots clearer when it isn’t chock full of all those don’t-do-a-damn-thing knowledges. A clear head makes the right decisions, after all, and in the Teabag Movement the clearest head wins.

Keep On Truckin’
Many Teabaggers are also members of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, and we all want them to Keep on Truckin’ and never mind none of that crap about green railroads and local production from those Socialists and Nazis with their tendencies hanging out there in the open, you betcha.

Make War, Not Love
You can make war in public without getting arrested. See what happens if you’re doing the Other Thing out there in broad daylight for God’s sake. They ain’t called Piece Officers for nothin’ you know.

Turn Off, Tune Out, Drop In
Those Leftist Mainstream Media boys just won’t quit, so you quit on them first. Turn Off that TV set if it ain’t on Fox, Tune Out all that crap about facts and Drop In on Rush or Glenn or Sarah whenever you can get them on the pickup’s radio, fer sure.

People To The Power
What we need is strong, upstanding folk to support and take care of the rest of us who don’t want to worry about that stuff , and it’s our duty to support them any old which way we can, you betcha.

Fer sure.

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Sunday, January 10, 2010

GOP’s Steele Dem’s Man of Year?

No comments came from Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele over the weekend on the possibility of him being named Democrat of The Year.

Observers pointed to Steele’s prediction that Democrats would retain control of the House in 2010 as just the latest in his long string of boosts to the Democratic Party. “We need to rally the faithful to avoid a typical mid-term slump,” one knowledgeable Democrat said “and Michael’s comments are typically just the medicine we need.”

Grateful Democrat operatives were anxious to make certain Steele’s important work for the party got appropriate recognition. They pointed to the surprise release –at least to many Republican officials – of Steele’s book, “Right Now: A 12-Step Program for Defeating the Obama Agenda.” 

In previous mid-term campaigns, developing talking points against the Republicans was long, hard and expensive for Democrats. Now they’re getting them neatly packaged in a book available for less than $20.

Example from Steele’s book: “Enough of complaining about big government when we’re out of power, but embracing big government when we’re in power.” No Democrat could have said it better, but lots and lots of Democrats are sure to say it over and over.

Not content to merely speak for the Democratic agenda, Steele has been exemplary in using his personal actions to highlight Democrat’s view that the greatest Republican value is Look Out For Number One.

Steele is charging as much as $20,000 to make a speech, perhaps to supplement the paltry $223,500 annual salary he’s getting from the GOP in part to make speeches. Of course he’s entitled to earn a little money on the side, unlike most getting unemployment benefits, some Republicans say.

Thank You Lord! is what many Democrats then say.

Although Democrats’ gratitude for Steele’s contributions to the party runs deep, it was unclear whether or not a Democrat of The Year award would actually be offered the GOP chairman. Steele, after all, has invited potentially disgruntled GOP leaders to fire him if they’ve got problems with the way he’s running the GOP.

Some Democrats wonder whether giving him the Democrat of the Year award would be just too blatant, even for Steele. “Michael Steele’s the best donkey Democrats could hope for,” one observer said. “Let’s not get our cart in front of that ass!”

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Thursday, January 7, 2010


Boomers Become Pop(s)

Baby boomers who once drove America’s economy, defined its culture and ruled its politics don’t boom much anymore.

Oh, maybe an occasional pop, but that’s probably just a complaining back joint.

We’ve moved from “Don’t trust anyone over 30!” to “Don’t trust anyone under 30!” and now are heading towards “Sir, please count back from 30 by 3s.”

Our working memory isn’t measured in megabytes, but in inches of available space on the refrigerator door, where live the doctors’ appointments, pictures of grandchildren, grocery lists and anything that seems important to us.

Sometimes the importance of lists rises dramatically when we arrive at the grocery store and remember we forgot to take them. Sometimes not so much when we take the list and forget to go to the grocery store.

But some things still have their old allure. Travel, for instance. Not only do senior discounts make the airfare more affordable, but security concerns make it more enjoyable. When else is someone not a doctor going to pat our bottom or scope our bod?

And eating out remains a pleasure, again with substantial senior discounts.  After all, most of us bring our own first course in a little pill box.

Our music endures as well, although seeing the Rolling Stones totter through “Start Me Up!” or “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” has acquired a new poignancy. And it’s probably not the answer blowing in the wind when the crematory misadjusted its flue.

Our political leaders have been a mixed bag. Bill Clinton was a hands-on president – just ask Monica Lewinsky. George Bush was a hands-off president – just ask President Cheney. President Obama, meanwhile, isn’t part of the Boomers – he just follows behind that parade scoop and shovel in hand.

Still, given the chance, we’d do it all again – which is probably why the coming changes to health care address end-of-life issues.

The kids are worried that we might do it again!

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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Fee, Fie, Flu, F*%$#!

Influenza is a great democratic leveler, since it visits all – except perhaps the denizens of our national security operation, who get all the symptoms but can’t connect the dots to call it flu.

Which should make me feel better, but doesn’t, even if a terribly earnest President Barack Obama was pushing the connect-the-dots theory this evening. He was trying to explain what he intends to do about a whacko with explosive underwear getting on a Detroit-bound airliner, unmolested by any except his fellow passengers who declined to die that day.

Seems we knew the guy was half a bubble off plumb – after all, his father had said so. And we even knew that his country of origin was chock full of folks whose dislike for us was decidedly explosive. Literally.

But that wasn’t cause for concern because we had a system in place, just like I had a flu shot in place. Well, neither the flu shot nor the system worked.

Now I’ll probably survive the flu, unless family tires of hearing me complain. And the United States will probably survive the failed terror attempt.

But neither event is proof against a new challenge. So here, without charge, some suggestions that might at least help the government’s terrorism effort”

·        Profile, profile, then profile some more. Pretty much all of us would rather have the government dealing with a dozen discrimination lawsuits than a few hundred bodies. Yes, we’ve all seen cartoons about patting down Granny while waving Abdul Al-Boom-Boom through security, but like all generalizations, it contains a kernel of truth. Kernels these days are explosive.

·         Whack back. Yemen, where the latest nut job boarded the plane, is run as a corrupt family enterprise and the rest of the country (and world) be damned.  We’re sending lots of aid to Yemen. That should be stopped. The thugs currently in charge may not understand human rights, but they understand bank balances just fine. And those who whine that fiscal revenge will cause us to lose influence in Arab countries should contemplate what kind of influence we might lose from countries whose citizens seem anxious to blow us up.

Of course, when I recover from the flu and stop being so cranky, I’ll probably stop saying things like this. And when the hubbub passes, the government will probably go back to the way things were.

And so will the terrorists. They hate us, they want us dead and they are determined to cause it. They at least have clear goals and flexible tactics focused on the objective.

Why don’t we?

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Monday, January 4, 2010



DAD Will Take Care of It

Reacting to an embarrassing string of security breaches including the attempted bombing of a Detroit-bound flight, the Obama administration today announced a new Cabinet-level Department of Advanced Denial (DAD), tasked with getting the administration’s excuses out in front of potentially embarrassing events.

President Obama announced the initiative Sunday at an impromptu press conference after the First Family’s last visit to sample the famous Hawaiian delicacy of shaved, flavored ice. The President took advantage of the venue as a Teachable Moment.

“Just as flavored, shaved ice is insubstantial, easily anticipated and fleeting, so will the new group of patriots at DAD be,” the president said while slurping a mocha-vanilla-chocolate-banana-cherry ice treat.

Although President Obama declined to answer repeated reporters’ queries about a possible head of the proposed department, informed sources who demanded that they not be identified on account of jobs being hard to come by said longtime administration confidant Laurentias Ignatius Edward Sills had the inside track. “LIES has been the go-to guy in many a tough situation and he’s widely considered to be ideal for this assignment,” said one source.

President Obama said the proposed DAD department would work to get plausible denials out in advance of any negative events, thereby reducing negative publicity from reporters demanding government responses. ”This is just part of our stated goals of being ahead of or on top of events,” the president told reporters. “That we’re going to screw up is obviously a given, but that we’ve had the foresight to create an agency to issue our denials in advance is something the American people can count on in the trying days ahead.”

Insiders who declined to be identified for this report said the DAD department would work to be in front of any potential demands for administration accountability by monitoring intelligence.
“Suppose the National Intelligence Estimate says the crazies are going to blow up the Washington Monument on Tuesday?” one insider explained.”DAD would be all over the airways on Monday explaining how the Obama administration had done everything humanly possible to protect our national monuments.”

Asked if it might not be easier to simply arrest any persons suspected of plotting attacks on the United States, the insider scoffed “that would be profiling, and that’s illegal—you know, like saying that Muslim extremists hate the United States and everything it stands for and have a decades-long track record of trying to harm all U.S. interests.”

Asked if that might not be generally true, the insider became quite agitated. “True! True! What’s all this with True? We’re talking government policy here, not True! That’s why the Department of Advanced Denial (DAD) will be so important in this administration’s efforts to get ahead of the reality curve.”

Asked to assess the administration progress so far on getting ahead of the reality curve, the insider relaxed a bit and confided “We’re winning – I gotta tell ‘ya, we’re winning.”

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