Weekend Tids and Bits

CONSERVATIVE PARENTS HOWLED at the plans announced by the White House for President Obama to address schoolkids on the day after Labor Day, the traditional first day of a new school year. The president planned to tell the kids their country needed them to work and study hard, which conservatives branded as “indoctrination.” They may have a point – kids who work and study hard tend to grow up to get good jobs, families and an active intellectual and civic life. Not exactly Red State/Neck-friendly outcomes.

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THE ASSOCIATED PRESS decided that its right to publish a photo of a mortally wounded Marine in spite of pleas from the dead man’s father and the Secretary of Defense trumped any “decent respect to the opinions of mankind.” Some news outlets published the photo. Others didn’t need the money that badly.

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BUT IT COULD BE IMPORTANT! was the anguished cry from users as Google’s Gmail went nutso for slightly more than 90 minutes on Tuesday, highlighting the ability of the world to keep turning even if millions aren’t available on almost instant notice. It was just another illustration of the WOGR-EWID, theorem, which posits that an improvement in daily lives works great – except when it doesn’t. The event will no doubt inspire entrepreneurs who will propose messages written on an actual sheet of paper enclosed in a folded sheet of paper and delivered in return for the purchase of a one-time license to be called a “stamp.”

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NATIONAL HEALTH CARE REFORM neglected to file a Living Will, so it’s unclear whether or not President Obama’s address to the nation scheduled for Wednesday will outline “heroic measures” to bring the reform back to life, or a DNR (Damned Noisy Republicans) order posted over a gasping corpse-in-progress. Proponents of the “American Way” of paying more for less care with worse outcomes than other nations sense victory, but bruised and battered advocates of common sense may rally.

LAST WEEK’S LESSONS:

· Push Comes To Shove in a two-parter about the meeting of populist A. Big Push at the Washington lobbyist offices of Cornelius Shove. Read about it here http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/08/health-care-chronicles-part-i-push.html and here http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/health-care-chronicles-part-ii-pushing.html

· We found that the Republic needed N.O.T.A.BLES to run for public office on the None Of The Above ticket at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/wanted-political-party-of-n.html

· Satan’s Happy As Hell over the progress of our involvement in Afghanistan, seeing it as Vietnam revisited in http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/yes-we-can-hells-bells-for-afghanistan.html

· Classified Ads You’ll Never See rounded out the last full week of Summer, in which nothing much happens but is written anyway at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/online-classless-classifieds-online-ads.html

Have a great Labor Day Weekend!

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Online Classless Classifieds

Online ads we’ll never see, but should:

Balls Wanted: Healthy body parts in supports of convictions sought – top prices paid. Unbusted specimens only, please. Contact B. Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC.

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Bondage, Discipline Specialist available for very private sessions in the national interest. Latest techniques and legal opinions. Contact D, Cheney, You Made Me Love You, Inc.

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Calendar Missionaries wanted for work in Red States promoting 21^st-century attitudes. Applicants should be familiar with de facto racial segregation, subjugation of women, disdain for education and other local customs. Marriage to first cousin a plus. Benefits include lynching insurance. Contact Strange Land Strangers.

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Socialist Scum Doctors sought for study sponsored by Republican National Committee. Must exhibit strong desire to heal the sick regardless of ability to pay. Other extreme deviant behaviors a plus. Contact Doctors Without Dividends, c/o RNC.

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Female Patriots Sought for C Street Congressional Christian Fellowship. Must be “hands on” team player energetically creating sins so that they may be forgiven, skilled in “blow-you-away” personal interventions. Those who “sink their teeth into the work” need not apply. Contact Hands That Cradle The Rocks, Inc.

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Forward-thinking Newspaper Executives sought for industry-sponsored study on “Newspapers In the 21^st Century.” Should have heard of the internet, but will provide skill-training for the right candidates. Handwritten three-carbon-copy resumes only please. Contact The Way We Were Association.

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Map Specialists Required for service with US Departments of State and Defense in Iraq and Afghanistan. Proven expertise in Way Out Discovery a plus. Contact Clinton/Gates Endless Tours.

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Sheep Entrails Interpreter sought for consultative work on President’s Council of Economic Advisers. Previous economic experience not required, Owning both sheep and guts a plus.

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Wilderness Guide sought by Republican National Committee. Wanderlust track record and 40-year commitment required. Ability to find ass with both hands above the 50^th percentile a plus.

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Speechifying Teach needed you betcha for potential presidential candidate lady. Moose-skinning skills a plus. Contact Sarah Palin.

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Yes We Can!

Hell’s Bells For Afghanistan

Satan looked at his assembled Tuesday Group, so called because the senior fiends met with him every Tuesday to make their reports. Chaos was there, of course, barely contained in his boardroom chair, while another regular, Regret, moped expertly near his spot, hanging on to the back of the chair without ever quite sitting in it.

Anger, as always, tensed in his seat like a spring and seethed at the delay, while Defeat was unusually chipper, as though looking at good bad prospects.

“Ahem!” Satan cleared his throat. He was roundly ignored, each fiend trying to snatch advantage from another. “AHEM!” he tried again – same result.

“ATTENTION!” he roared and an eight-foot wall of flame swept across the conference room, charring whiskers here, setting ear-hair alight there, but absolutely focusing every participant on the chair.

“Thank you,” Satan said. “We are met today to talk about Afghanistan and American involvement there – unless anyone has other business?”

His lieutenants, still licking their burn wounds, had no other business.

“Good, very good,” Satan purred. “Let me set the stage. For years, the American department of Hell triumphed when a line of presidents committed American troops to intervene in a Vietnamese civil war on the wrong side. Americans backed various groups of corrupt thugs and fought against a group with popular backing, although they happened to be Communist. ‘Raggedy-Ass Bastards in Black Pajamas’ the U.S. called them – until the Raggedy-Ass Bastards kicked the United States the Hell and gone out of a united Vietnam.”

“Yes!” chorused the Tuesday group.

“It was a good time,” Satan reminisced. “Many needless deaths, much needless suffering, many opportunities for massacre and atrocities, and all in the service of an idea doomed at birth.”

“A good time!” the Tuesday group echoed.

“Now the good times are back!” Satan howled and accidentally incinerated a personal assistant. “All Heed My Fiendish Plan!”

“Heed!” said the Tuesday Group. “Heed!”

“First, is the regime,” Satan said. “It must be completely corrupt, absolutely lack popular support and be incapable of self-defense that doesn’t shed American blood. Do we have that in Karzai and Company?”

“Yes!” howled the Tuesday Group.

Satan glowed in the fake approval, the kind he loved most. “And then there’s the opposition!” he yelled. “They must be True Believers – Communist, Republicans, Extreme Islam, folks who follow Lou Dobbs – it doesn’t matter which, but we must have True Believers. And the True Believers in Afghanistan are?”

“The Taliban!” roared the Tuesday Group. “The Taliban!”

“Yes! The Taliban!” Satan snarled. “But even more important than a corrupt regime and an opposition of True Believers is. . .

“Is?” Satan prompted, annoyed.

“IS?” he snapped, wrath kindling.

The fiends were silent, each pretending to wait upon the other to answer an “obvious” question from Satan, except it wasn’t really obvious to any of them and all just hoped to escape punishment, except the newest fiend, Texting, so new he didn’t know enough to keep his fangs shut, said, in a tiny voice “An administration dumb enough to fall into the trap and stay there?”

Aghast at Texting’s audacity, the Tuesday group buzzed with self-serving comments until Satan bellowed “SAY WHUT?”

The other fiends snickered, but Texting was emboldened by even negative notice, so he repeated himself, this time in underlined bold: “An administration dumb enough to fall into the trap and stay there?”

“Yes!” Satan said in glee. “That’s it! Oh, Well Done, Texting, Well Done!” He beamed at Texting then turned his attention to the rest of the fiends. “As for those of you who didn’t get it, well done to you, too,” Satan smirked as howls and the smell of burning flesh rose until all the other fiends were indeed well done, not a medium-rare in the lot.

“I just love the smell of grilling,” Satan smiled, then asked the still-smoldering fiends, “So, gentlemen, we have a Corrupt Regime, opposed by True Believers and an American administration dumb enough to fall into the trap and stay there.

“Gentlemen,” Satan bellowed, “I ask you for all of Hell! Can we create another Vietnam?”

“Yes We Can!” the fiends howled as one. “Yes We Can! Yes We Can!

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Wanted:

A Political Party of N.O.T.A.BLES

The United States has two major political parties, and that has given us two possible Election Day outcomes – Bad or Worse.

You can test this for yourself. Vote in the next election exactly opposite of the way you usually vote. Note the results. Then in the election after that, go back to voting the way you always had. Again note the results.

Now apply the famed A.D.D. test from the learned groves of Political Science, and you can bet your unemployment benefits the A.D.D. (Any Damned Difference) score will be zero.

Doubt it? Just look at the last two administrations. During the Bush administration, the rich got richer and the poor got poorer. During the Obama administration to date, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer.

In the Bush administration, the rich got richer because government let them out of the regulatory cage. In the Obama administration, the rich are getting richer putting themselves back in the same unlocked cage.

(In both administration, the poor shifted for themselves and can proudly declare that they are as poor as they ever were without one bit of government aid.)

Well, there ought to be a better way and there is. You’ve probably felt it in the voting booth when you went down the list of candidates:

· Candidate A campaigns with his own money, made possible by remarkable luck in winning bids on public contracts and documenting unprecedented cost overruns.

· Candidate B is running as a “regular guy” just like all the other regular guys with an expensive roadster in the garage, a much more expensive trophy wife in the bedroom and a still more expensive “friend” in a townhouse somewhere.

When you looked at that choice, did you want to vote for None Of The Above?

Of course you did! And now, with the founding of None Of The Above political party, your voice will be heard!

We’ll call our candidates N.O.T.A.BLES, and because we’ll start as a small minority party, our ballot position will likely be last, the one at the bottom of the list. Here’s what a typical Congressional ballot would look like:

Republican: Hon. Thomas More Gotmine, incumbent

Democrat: John I. Wantmine

None Of The Above: John Q. Citizen

Any doubt which way that vote is going to go?

For philosophy, which any political party needs to hold its head high, we’ll turn to the noted sage Eddie Gotsense, who said to his disciples “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; if it is broke, fix it so it ain’t broke again.”

That Eddie applied his philosophy to the auto-mechanic business and went bankrupt is beside the point. He had a philosophy and he stuck to it.

It’s the sticking that’s important, not the content. Just look at Republicans sticking to Less Government and Democrats sticking to Fiscal Responsibility.

What is also important is that the electorate gets a real choice and that’s why you should work to elect a N.O.T.A.BLE candidate in your next election.

Above all, remember the N.O.T.A. party’s motto:

“We May Not Be Better,

But

How The Hell Could We Be Worse?”

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Health Care Chronicles Part II

Pushing and Shoving Ideas

(A. Big Push didn’t often visit Cornelius Shove at his fancy K Street lobbyist firm in Washington, DC, but when he did, it was for serious talking on serious issues. Like Health Care Reform, even if old Shove did have to sniff an awful lot before he squatted over an idea. See yesterday’s tale here.)

“That was completely unnecessary!” Shove said briskly as he tried to smooth his necktie and idly wondered what having it blocked and cleaned would cost. “We could have compromised, after all!”

“Compromise! Push shouted as he slammed a grimy fist on Shove’s polished oak desk. “Compromise!” He uncurled his fist and edged the hand towards Shove’s throat again, while Shove hastily slid back his office chair.

“Well of course, compromise,” Shove added quickly. “You know, two reasonable sides working to resolve their differences, instead of unilateral declarations and..” he paused warily, then forged on “ …and personal violence.”

“Ohhh, now I gets it,” Push said, leaning back to suck on a hollow tooth for a second or two. “Why sho – we just talk and talk, and then talk some more until we’re so plumb talked out that we couldn’t croak mor’n a road-kill frog..”

“Those aren’t the terms I would have selected, “Shove said, “but they do indicate you get the general idea at least. Confrontation is the enemy of talk and compromise and talk and compromise are good, and that’s . . .”

“And that’s why it’s you and me again!” Push interrupted. “You talkety-talks have about gummed Health Care Reform to death. Oh, there’s Option A, and Option B and Option B over A and A over B, but ain’t none of them worth a damn to any old son who’s sick and can’t afford insurance.”

“Certainly you can’t expect an issue of this complexity to be resolved simply,” Shove protested. “Why the competing demands of the various stakeholders alone are extremely intricate.”

“You betcha,” snorted Push. “Ain’t nothing more prone to intricate than a gang trying to divide the loot. But that ain’t why I’m here, Shove old buddy – and damned if you don’t know it too.”

“Not again!” Shove pleaded. “The last time it almost bankrupted me!”

Push took a long look around.” I’d say you got over it, Brother Shove, I would surely say that your bank ain’t rupted nowhere.”

“We have managed to recover nicely” Shove said before Push roared “And you’ll recover again, don’t you doubt a minute, but you know what we got to do, so let’s get to doing it!”

“All right…”Shove signed. “You begin.”

“Push has come to Shove, right?” Push intoned in a preacher-like prompt.

“Right,” Shove said.

“And it’s about Health Care Reform, right?”

“Right, “Shove sighed, knowing what was coming.

“Aannd,” Push drawled, “when Push comes to shove on anything it’s time to decide what’s wrong and what’s …”

“Right,” Shove sighed again.

“So what we got right here is a health care system that costs more than any and delivers less than most,” Push said “and so it’s pretty plain that keeping anything much like it is flat out..”

“Wrong,” Shove barely whispered, he so hated the word.

Push grinned. “Well, now I know that wasn’t easy, you old Shove-it, but you said it you own self. What we got is wrong, and we got to fix it and we can’t waste any more time compromising and talking and just otherwise flapping around the hen coop.”

“You’re right,” Shove said almost to himself, then paused and said it again, adding “You’re right, it’s time to pass health care reform!” He paused again then opened his office door and bellowed to a surprised staff “PASS THE DAMNED HEALTH BILL! GET MOVING!”

Shove then turned towards Push, offering his hand.”Thanks, old friend, I needed that.”

“No thanks needed,” Push said. “Well it was just as plain as day – when Push comes to Shove, you just gotta do the right thing.”

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Health Care Chronicles Part I

Push Comes To Shove

Cornelius Shove hustled through the lobby of the gleaming K Street building to the waiting private elevator and punched the button for Five, fidgeting nervously as the doors closed and the ascent began. When the doors opened on the bronze letters Shove Associates -Washington, DC he didn’t allow the usual pause of self-satisfaction, hurrying instead straight to his office.

The big office.

In the corner.

The one with staff already there, all chirping morning greetings he ignored as he entered his sanctum and tried for the 2009^th time to slam a counter-weighted, leather-padded, $30,000 door, which closed instead with a barely perceptible hiss.

The Comm light began blinking as he slid into his chair.

“Yes?” he snarled as he thumbed the audio switch.

“Good morning, Sir, you have a visitor waiting in the public reception area on Four. He doesn’t appear to have an appointment. Shall I send him away?”

Shove sighed. It could only be. . .”Did he give a name, Miss Allbright?”

“Yes, Sir, he did, although it sounded a bit…”

“Strange?” prompted Shove.

“Well, Sir, it was ‘A. Big Pu…”

“Push!” Shove snapped, cutting her off. “A seedy fellow, looks bad and smells worse!”

“Sir! Well, far be it from me, Sir, but, yes Sir, now that you mention it. Shall I call the guards?”

“No, Miss Allbright,” Shove said in a tone of resignation. “Guards won’t be necessary. Please send him up.” He thumbed the Comm off and waited, watching the door.

Why was it always like this? So many ways to settle disputes – good ways, easy ways, and not incidentally, profitable ways. Why couldn’t reasonable men..?

And then the door opened and his guest was there, striding past a flustered Miss Allbright.

“Morning, Shove,” the man said with a smile that was really a sneer with a makeover. “We need to talk, I expect,” he added, arching his eyebrows towards the advancing Miss Allbright.

“Yes, yes, I suppose we do,” Shove muttered is a barely audible hiss, then raised his head toward the advancing secretary and barked “That will be all, Miss Allbright. Hold all calls and visitors.”

As the secretary withdrew, the man named A. Big Push looked around the corner office as if appraising an estate sale, finally drawing a chair uncomfortably close to Shove’s massive oak desk and setting his wrinkled, greasy frame all a-tilt on the expensive brocade seats. “Shove, old buddy, it certainly’s been a long while of whiles,” he grinned through yellowed, snaggled teeth. “We got to do this more often!”

“We most certainly do not!” Shove almost shouted. “And you’ve absolutely no reason to be here, you uncouth pile of..”

“Effective?” finished Push. “Well, I guess you got me on that couth stuff, but your ass is grass when it comes to being effective. So how about we stop being nice to each other and get it on?”

Shove’s disgust almost overwhelmed him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, you sick..”

“Well I’ll be a pig in a barbeque, he’s got a clue!” Push crowed. “Shove, you old ass-upper, you’re knowing more than you’re lettin’ on. ‘Course it’s about sick! But you gotta show some more skin, man! Sick ain’t enough!”

He rose and leaned into Shove’s face. “More! Why are we here?” he thundered, as Shove wrinkled his nose in disgust. “It’s about?”

Pulling back from the stench of bad breath Shove muttered “Health” as quietly as he could.

“HEALTH? HEALTH WHAT?” roared Push as he grabbed Shove’s $600 bespoke tie and half-lifted him from his chair. “HEALTH WHAT?”

“Health Care Reform,” Shove gurgled weakly, which brought a gaped-tooth smile from his captor and the release of his tie.

“You done it!” Push said. “You figured why we’re here! Shove, old dog, it takes you some time to find the spot, but you know to squat when you get there!”

“I…” Shove started, but Push silenced him with a wave.

“None of that! You knows it as well as I knows it and it’s plain right here for all to see – Push has come to Shove on Health Care Reform.”

Tomorrow: Pushing and Shoving Ideas

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