Weekend Tids and Bits

BIKINI-CLAD CAR WASHES AREN’T FOR WISHING, at least not for the Make-A-Wish-Foundation, reports Fox News. Seems like a Washington, DC guy wanted to donate half the take from a weekend bikini car wash to the foundation that grants wishes for kids with terminal illnesses. No thanks, the foundation is reported to have said. Only family-friendly money is acceptable. Unless Disneyland starts stamping tickets “Purchased With Tainted Money,” maybe the very next wish for Make A Wish should be for brains.

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STORMY WEATHER for Stormy Daniels, the porn star considering a U.S. Senate run against David Vitter, the Louisiana incumbent who turned up on a Washington madam’s list, and we’re not talking groceries. Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Gregory Clifford, was arrested in Tampa, FL for slugging her husband in a dispute over laundry and bills. Earlier, the car of one of her political advisors exploded – whether with help or not isn’t clear. What all this does for the political future of someone who starred in films with minimal costume budgets isn’t clear.

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HARRY POTTER AND THE GET-A-LIFE DEMONS might be a good title for a movie pitting the young wizard against those who are distressed that the adolescents in the current movie are shown in pubs. Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince shows characters ordering butterbeer – alcoholic content unknown – and other drinking-associated shots. Although it’s legal for youngsters of 16 in Britain to order alcohol with food, much tut-tutting was reported in the New York Times.

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“OBVIES” AWARD NEEDED, which would be an award given to studies, reports and findings of the obvious. If we can come up with a process, a study by Virginia Tech’s Transportation Institute would be a top candidate. It found that texting while driving is lots more dangerous than talking while driving. That prompted introduction of legislation in the U.S. Senate that would cut off federal highway funds for states who didn’t crack down on texting while driving. No word yet on studies about sleeping while driving, bombed-out-of-your-mind while driving, sex while driving or other behaviors that might pose danger while hurtling down the highway at average-IQ-in-miles-per-hour-rates.

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Last Week’s Lessons:

n Machine intelligence still has a long way to go before it can match many achievements of human intelligence. Problem: scientists can’t make the damned things dumb enough. See http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/intelligent-machines-not-to-worry.html

n Mortal Baby Boomers? Disturbing thoughts that the self-proclaimed inventors of sex, drugs, rebellion and living forever may die anyway at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/shocking-baby-boomers-mortal-world.html

n Kidney Punch To Capitalism when a broker is arrested for bringing a willing seller and a willing buyer together at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/capitalism-update-no-love-for-sale-but.html

n South Carolina Sex Scandal Focus shifts from Governor Mark Sanford to man accused of buggery with a 21-year-old horse named Sugar. No word from state’s supporters on whether they welcome this shift from dalliance in Argentina to making strictly domestic hay at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/another-sc-sex-scandal-horsing-around.html

n A Solution At Last to the Gun Debate is offered in a proposed “Must-Carry” movement that ties carrying weapons to voting with a “Wanna Vote? Gotta Tote!” slogan at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/07/wanna-vote-gotta-tote-must-carry-rules.html

Have a great weekend!

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Wanna Vote? Gotta Tote!

Must-Carry Rules

End Gun Debate

Politicians and citizens looking to end debate on gun control now have a solution. It’s so simple even elected representatives can get it.

Basic Principles: Gun-control in the United States is about who can carry a gun. That has sparked views as diverse as the National Rifle Association and the Brady Campaign. The only thing it hasn’t sparked is a solution.

What Guns Are For: The purpose of guns is to kill something or someone, depending upon need and circumstance. Which was the purpose of crossbows and longbows, swords and spears, atlatyls and antelope thigh-bones. So let’s not get historical or hysterical. And let’s agree that “shooting sports” with artificial targets is like “reading it for the stories” with copies of Playboy.

The Stupid Rules We’ve Tried: Depending upon the state you’re in, it’s okay to carry a gun openly or it’s not; it’s okay to carry a concealed weapon under some circumstances or it’s not. A citizen carrying a weapon can be perfectly legal in Virginia, illegal in the District of Columbia and questionable in Maryland and not even a Member of Congress.

The Solution: The United States must become a Must-Carry nation. Instead of spending countless dollars and hours wondering who may or may not carry weapons, the solution is to require all citizens able to vote to also carry weapons.

Upon reaching 18 years of age, each citizen who registered to vote would be issued a firearm of their choice. Private purchase would be allowed, provided the arms met minimum standards.

The right to vote would be contingent on carrying a firearm, perhaps with firearms training just as we have driver training. Still, Wanna Vote? Gotta Tote! would be a movement whose time has come.

Look at the issues this simplifies:

n Who can carry a weapon? Every citizen eligible to vote must carry a weapon. Only convicted criminals couldn’t vote or legally carry arms. The old slogan “When Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Carry Guns” gets turned on its head.

n Social acceptance grows since carrying a weapon now becomes like carrying a voter registration card. Look for fashion to take a stand, perhaps with delicate .32 specials for the Vogue crowd and traditional .45 Colts for the Ralph Lauren set.

n Job Creation All those pistols, rifles, shotguns, ammo and accessories ain’t gonna support themselves. Thousands of businesses will be hiring.

n Homeland Security Holy Jihad aside, trying to shoot up a restaurant where all 300 patrons are armed has a high potential for grave disappointment over what’s left among the 70 virgins in Paradise.

What’s To Be Done: Contact your elected senators and representatives. Do it slowly and with respect – anyone asleep that long is going to be cranky upon awakening. Show them this column. For those that need it, read it to them without condescension, skipping the big words only when you must. Get them to agree. Wanna Vote? Gotta Tote! is an idea whose time has come.

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Another SC Sex Scandal

Horsing Around,

Modern Media Style

A South Carolina man was arrested for being in a stable sexual relationship Monday.

Very stable.

In Sugar’s stable, which is where police say Rodell Vereen, 50, of Longs, SC made hay with the 21-year-old mare. Sugar’s owner, Barbara Kenley, confronted Vereen outside and held him at gunpoint for police.

Vereen, who was on probation for an earlier tryst at the same Lazy B Stables, was charged with buggery.

Sugar is being treated for an incident- related infection, her owner says. Vereen awaits a hearing next week.

All of this from the Myrtle Beach Sun News, a 50,000-plus circulation South Carolina daily newspaper. You can read all the details of the story on their website, here.

You can also read comments from readers wondering whether we really needed to know this stuff. As a recovering journalist, I pretty much see the Sun News doing its job, covering its community. It’s a local story.

Or it was a local story until it was covered by The Associated Press, which reminds us it is “The Essential Global News Network.” The AP had some 570-odd words and a photo on one of its websites for hours.

Which, of course, made the story as un-local as it could possibly be. As the AP explains on another web site, more than half of the world’s people might see an AP story on a given day. A quick look on Google found the story picked up by major web sites all across the U.S., and showing up in Europe and India. A video version was on YouTube. Since web stories can live a very long time, this is probably not the limit, and realistic counts beyond “many, many” are unlikely.

So Sugar has become the most famous South Carolina love object since the last time Governor Mark Sanford visited Argentina.

If the Sun News was just doing its job, what about AP?

Not as easy an answer, and full disclosure, a look at my profile will show I worked there a long time. Still, while the Sun News and the AP both have megaphones, the AP’s is very much bigger.

That used to mean a different frame of judgment on what was worth national exposure and what was worth a chuckle in the bar after work. But if the frame for national editorial judgment has changed, then it has changed. Such things aren’t put to a vote.

But if they were, mine would be Neigh!

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Capitalism Update

No Love for Sale,

But How About A Kidney?

Last week’s federal corruption fishnet drew in a boatload of the Garden State’s garden-variety little-fish crooks and one pure capitalist visionary.

The little fish included three mayors and other officials accused of taking care of newfound friends for newfound cash. They also included rabbis so concerned with kosher practice the feds say they even koshered questionable money, soaking it overnight in a “charity” and returning it clean and bloodless (less customary fees and handling, of course).

The accused capitalist visionary was Levy Izhak Rosenbaum, who feds say saw a market, filled the needs of that market and made a profit doing so. Those acts might mark him a capitalist of the first order, on a par with the founders of Google, or Microsoft or Apple, except for one niggling detail.

The market Rosenbaum allegedly entered was the niggling detail.

It was the market for human kidneys.

And that, since 1984 and the Reagan administration no less, has been illegal.

Even a cursory examination shows that both Republicans and Democrats are condoning and encouraging actions that both deny capitalists the benefits of their foresight and risk-taking, and also deny consumers the potential tinkle-down benefits. Consider:

n Every year, more than 4,500 persons in the United States die while waiting for a kidney transplant. There is a scarcity, because although we all have two kidneys and most can function on just one, the amount available for transplant remains below demand. Some folks won’t donate organs after death, some mess them up in the process of dying. But any way you look at it, there is a demand for human kidneys.

n Although not legally available because of the strict anti-capitalist human organ laws of the U.S. and other countries, there is an available supply of kidneys. As mentioned, we can all function with just one. That leaves most of us with an inborn amount of product we can put into the marketplace. For a price, of course. (This is Capitalism 101 – Altruism 101 meets weekly in the U.S. Capitol).

Well, when you have a demand aka a willing buyer, and a supply, aka a willing seller, all you need is the services of a broker to introduce the two. Actually, you don’t really need the broker. In theory, you could do all that yourself, like buying and selling a home.

But it’s daunting to match the right buyer, house and price and execute the complicated dance of bidding, negotiating, agreeing and closing. Ditto for a kidney. How healthy is the donor? How old? Right tissue match? Who pays for the surgery? Where? In anything complicated, most of us need a broker.

That market need was filled by Rosenbaum, the feds say. He found folks in Israel who needed cash and had a spare kidney. He found folks in the United States who had cash, but needed a kidney. And he’s accusing of bringing them together and taking care of the details.

Note that these weren’t stolen kidneys or counterfeit kidneys. He’s accused of helping the rightful owners of kidneys sell them to willing buyers, making a profit or, if you will, a commission.

If we were talking about diamonds or steel or real estate or many other items, this would be a success story. Instead, it’s the story of yet another anti-capitalist act by the federal government, a government with its head in the cloud of laws and no heart.

Sheesh – government without a heart.

Wonder how it might find one. . .

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Shocking!

Baby Boomers

Mortal!

World business and financial markets teetered Monday on rumors that the Baby Boomers might be mortal.

Word that the 79 million or so Americans born between 1945 and 1962 might not achieve the “forever young” of their dreams and songs rocked all sort of businesses that were born catering to the ”Be Me” generation and now might face uncertain futures on the prospect that “Be Me” would at last become “Was Who?”

The White House had no reaction to the news that the Baby Boomers might be mortal. Analysts point out that President Obama, who turns 48 on August 4, was unlikely to call attention to impending mortality while trying to peddle national long-term health care.

“Highlighting that Baby Boomers might indeed be mortal would serve no purpose of this administration,” said an Obama confident who requested anonymity because she wasn’t authorized to speak publically on this subject. “The President is not as vigorous on these kinds of bedrock issues as he used to be,” she mused, “but he’s still not all that bad, considering.” Other analysts also pointed out that the president, with a 1961 birth date, has a trailing-edge stance on this issue.

That failed to deter conservative radio hosts who uniformly bellowed ‘How do we KNOW that 1961 followed 1960?”

Efforts to contact older Baby Boomers for clarification were largely unsuccessful, the demands of the news cycle conflicting with long-scheduled nap times.

Some media weighed in with intelligent coverage. A Business Week story on the msnbc website told Monday how Boomers are curtailing spending in the face of advancing age and declining prospects in the Great Recession, which has now been confirmed to be about incomes, not hairlines.

The article explores Boomers turning to saving instead of spending, and notes that some marketers, able to read the Adult Day Care Instructions on the wall, are focusing their efforts on the 20-32 age group. According to the article, Mercedes Benz calls this demographic “Generation Benz.” No German translator was available to confirm suspicions that this is a German phrase for “Mommy and Daddy Ain’t Paying No More.”

Still, Baby Boomers confronting an age-group death rate almost three times what it was in their 40s are retaining an entrepreneurial outlook. A Hoboken, NJ firm, Sleeps With Fishes, has switched its focus from one-at-a-time boutique operations to accommodate a larger clientele facing crowded cemeteries just as they faced crowded schools, suburbs and everything else.

“Youse are gonna get da best,” a spokesman for the firm said.”We don’t got no complaining customers.”

Challenged on that assertion, the Sleeps With Fishes spokesman insisted customers were “so happy they don’t even come up for air.”

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Intelligent Machines?

Not To Worry. . .

Worrywarts have come to love the Sunday New York Times because there’s often fresh stuff to worry about and yesterday’s issue was no exception, offering the worry that machines may come to be smarter than people.

The article by John Markoff nicely details how far machine intelligence has come and where some fear it may be going, including concern that “further advances could create profound social disruptions and even have dangerous consequences.”

Although anyone who has wrestled with one of the phone machines used by service companies to avoid giving service may debate the point, the skill and autonomy of machines is growing.

Even detractors admit that many machines are as bright as freshman Members of Congress, and cost less besides.

Still, there are many signs that machines have yet to develop intelligence equal to humans and as a public service, some top examples are listed here, a roll call of recent human achievement that even the best and brightest machines could never duplicate:

n War In Iraq. No machine could ever have made the decision to go war with Iraq at a cost of lives in the thousands and treasure in the trillions to eliminate weapons of mass destruction that weren’t there. And no machine could have taken more than six years to swap one corrupt, family-and-faction-centered government for another corrupt family-and-faction centered government. Proud results of human, mostly American, intelligence on display for all to see.

n Worldwide Recession. No machine could have so steadfastly looked the other way while New Age Rumplestiltskins spun gold not just from straw, but from manure in the form of securities backed by securities. When the manure finally began to stink more than the economy could bear, only human intelligence could have bailed out the spinners and returned them to their task.

n American Health Care. No machine could have devised a system where rising costs deliver declining results, except for the 40-50 million who live – and often, die – outside of the system’s reach. And no machine could persuade many of those who are in the system that change would be an assault on their precious right to pay more for less.

Beyond these great recent human achievements are countless little things that only a human could do. Have you ever seen a machine smoking? Or drunk? Or texting while driving?

Or how about a machine that hates on the basis of color or language or gender? Or one that consumes more energy than it needs? Not a single widget has mastered even the fundamentals of these uniquely human and simple tasks. Humans master most of them effortlessly while yet children.

No machine on its own has yet to murder, lie, cheat or steal. Only ages of evolution could have developed those skills so easily embraced by the human intellect that yet elude machines.

Bottom line: In spite of concerns raised in the Times article, machines learning to think like humans isn’t a legitimate concern.

No machine would be so dumb.

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