WEEKEND TIDS AND BITS

DON”T DO AS A WE SAY, DO AS WE SAY has to be the message President Barrack gets after criticism in the press that he was “too distant” and “too cerebral” on health care reform became criticism that he was “overexposed” from a weekend of making his case on talk shows. For those unable to translate the journalese, “too cerebral” is how the media say “didn’t understand that” and “overexposed” is the code word for demanding that reporters report.

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WATER ON THE MOON says NASA, adding that if you process about a ton of Moon rock, you should get a quart of water. Similar ratios exist elsewhere in nature. If you process a ton of Congressional hearings, you’ll get an ounce of sense. A ton of political promises will yield an ounce of performance. No word on whether NASA might be eying the bottled water market.

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TALK ABOUT INFLATION… Wealthy nations of the world used to be able to screw up the world economy with the help of just eight nations, the so-called G-8 group. Now comes word from an international summit meeting in Pittsburgh, PA, that the new group to watch is the G-20, which will pursue pretty much the same aims as the G-8 and probably with the same result, just at a higher cost. Ain’t international cooperation wonderful?

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DON’T CALL THE LADY ABROAD A BROAD must be the title of the latest entry into the stylebook of the Fairbanks, AK Daily News-Miner, which ran the headline “A broad in Asia” over a photo of former Gov. Sarah Palin, who was in Asia to address an investor conference. The paper promptly and profusely apologized in an editorial, thereby joining a list including comic David Letterman who have experienced self-imPalinment when writing about John McCain’s veep pick.

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TOO JUICED TO JOLT? A recent study of 38,000 people with traumatic brain injuries suggests those with alcohol in their blood had a lower risk of dying. On the other hand, tooling around with alcohol in your blood, especially while driving, raises the risk of traumatic brain injuries, so be sure to consider the tradeoffs before ordering that “one for the road.”

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This Week’s Lessons:

· Campaign reform needs to include public funding of politicians’ sexual frolics, at least covering out-of-pants expenses at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/out-of-pants-expenses-covered-campaign.html

· Journalism had been the Town Pump, but now wants to charge for it, Internet moans at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/journalism-doing-it-for-money-getting.html

· Don’t forget GAPAC, which gives recovering politicians a chance at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/recovering-politicians-in-gapac-deserve.html

· Be sure to mark your planners for the next celebration of National Punctuation Day at http://larryblaskosaid.blogspot.com/2009/09/from-carpe-diem-to-comma-diem-punctuate.html

Have a great weekend!

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From Carpe Diem to Comma Diem

Punctuate The Day!,.-();:’/

Every time foreign batters think they’ve figured out hitting what the American mind pitches, we throw them a sliding sinker and today is no exception.

For the rest of the world, today is Thursday, September 24, 2009. For Americans, it’s National Punctuation Day.

Punctuation means those squiggly little marks in printed English that occasionally help meaning and always get points deducted from your essay questions when you misuse them. Punctuation is what keeps composition teachers in business. Without punctuation, we would write as we speak and speak as we write, and composition teachers would have to find honest work.

But a national holiday?

If you doubt it, check this website, but be warned that it gives a very unbalanced, pro-punctuation view. Let’s look.

The kicker above the headline on this piece is a quote from an old Roman dude named Horace and the “carpe diem” is generally translated as “Seize the day.”

That puts it in the same bag as “Make hay while the sun shines,” “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,” “Time waits for no man” and “Make whoopee while her folks ain’t looking.”

Except it’s not the full quote. The full quote from old Horace is “carpe diem quam minimum credula postero” and you will note that Horace got that one out without a comma or a period, but the English translation most use would be “Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.”

Which uses a comma, because in English all that stuff after the comma tells you how to seize the day, not that you should look for a day with strong doubts about the future.

Got that?

No?

Relax, lots of folks don’t get it either, and even those who do enjoy endless disputes over tiny differences. As the National Punctuation Day website explains, some folks think a sentence describing the colors of the American flag should be written “The flag is red, white and blue.” Others think it should be written “The flag is red, white, and blue.”

Whether or not to put a comma after “white” is called the Serial Comma Dispute and it’s a sure-fire bar bet if you’re unfortunate enough to hang around a bar where patrons bet on punctuation trivia instead of the Yankees.

Not to trivialize punctuation. A lady named Lynne Truss wrote a 2004 book called “Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.” The book jacket shows a panda walking away from the title with a handgun, since the dreaded comma in the title describes the ultimate stiffing of a waiter instead of a panda’s diet.

It’s a fun book and an amusing book and you can find it on Amazon here, but anyone who thinks pandas are toting firearms after reading that sentence has bigger issues than National Punctuation Day can handle.

Still, enjoy the day. Seize it, even. You might also follow the website’s suggestion to “Organize punctuation activities at your school, library, or office.”

Just be prepared to deal with the police who respond to a report of “Puncs taking over library.”

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Recovering Politicians In GAPAC Deserve Public Support, Sympathy

Recovering politicians finishing their terms of office or prison sentences because of what they did in office are being cruelly abandoned to fate, and it is time concerned Americans rallied behind the Give A Pol A Chance (GAPAC) movement.

GAPAC seeks to reach out to former politicians who admit to a Higher Power, usually the District Attorney, and help them get on the path to ordinary citizenship.

GAPAC workshops for example, deal with concepts that politicians new to the ordinary jobs Outside will find challenging, including Spending Only What You Earn, Working For Those Who Hire You, and A Full Day’s Work For A Full Day’s Pay.

Although membership in a GAPAC group has traditionally been anonymous to accommodate those used to living in a world of anonymous, sources, donors, accusers, sponsors and unindicted co-conspirators, some details of the GAPAC program have surfaced.

New members of GAPAC usually appear before their first group meeting and engage in the following ritual introduction:

New Member: Hi, my name’s well known, and this is on deep background.

Group: Hi on deep background!

Other meeting rituals include a reenactment of the original No 12-Step Program, in which any public project that would ordinarily be completed in 12 steps with nine of them contracted to your relatives is actually completed in three and under budget.

GAPAC realizes that its members are subject to a world of temptation and maintains hotlines where recovering politicians facing that temptation can find help both from GAPAC and affiliated groups:

· Recovering politicians who encounter mirrors and again find themselves falling hopelessly in love are encouraged to call 1-800-GET-UGLY, a GAPAC group that helps the overly self-esteemed cool down to room temperature, at least in public.

· Those recovering politicians who return to reality and discover multiple wives and/or mistresses, all of them unhappy, get a free copy of Paul Simon’s 1975 hit “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” and a copy of major bus company route systems by visiting the affiliated web site itwasonlyphysical.com.

· Campaign debt and other loans are still a burden to many, so loan counseling is available at whotostiffwithoutbecomingone.com, a firm with offices in New York, Chicago and Las Vegas that specializes in short-term loans and long-term payments, boasting on its website that it has “No Living Unhappy Customers.”

Other GAPAC efforts ease reentry into ordinary social life, offering seminars on Groping Those You Don’t Employ and Hitting On Those Who Now Hit Back.

In all, support for GAPAC efforts should be a priority for all Americans who value our traditional democracy and its wonderful institutions. GAPAC asks that instead of direct contributions, sympathizers contribute to the political campaigns of their choice.

“We think of it as seed money,” a GAPAC official confided. “No matter where they start, we know they’re ours eventually.”

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Journalism Doing It For Money

Getting the Milk Free No More

(Editor’s Note: Larry Blasko said has this exclusive report of a conversation between Internet and a bartender moments after the split with Journalism. It was provided by a blogger on condition of anonymity.)

“Set ‘em up Joe,” Internet said gloomily, and Joe the Bartender knew better than to do anything but pour.

“Like that!” Internet said with a snap of fingers. “Fifteen years like that!” He took most of the first drink in a gulp, eyed the sorry remainder and then tossed it down, shoving the glass towards Joe.

“Again, Pal, and don’t let it get empty for a while.”

“Troubles with Journalism?” Joe asked, finishing another pour and pushing the run-a-tab key on the register.

“Big troubles,” Internet nodded as more booze joined the first. “End of the road kind of troubles, Joe, end of the road.”

“But I thought you two were so solid!” Joe said with more than professional amazement. “You guys were together so long, I mean everybody knows you and Journalism are a couple. . .”

“Were a couple,” Internet corrected. “I got my butt kicked out, Joe, and the last words I heard were ‘My way or the highway!’ so I don’t think this one’s gonna get fixed. And it was so close to our anniversary, too,” he added, pointing again to the glass.

“That’s tough,” Joe said. “I knew you guys had been together a long time, but I never knew the date you made it official.” He punched another one into the register.

“Well,” Internet mumbled staring into his glass “we never really did make it official official you know, but still. . .”

“Oh,” Joe said “but still, I can remember the two of you being together through all sorts of things, and I just thought that you’d always. . . well, anyway, maybe it was just a fight and it’ll heal over.”

“No,” Internet said. “I don’t think this one is going to heal, Joe. I just don’t think..” Internet stopped to look at the mostly empty tables behind the bar. No one seemed to be listening, but Internet’s voice was low anyway.

“It’s like this, Joe, but you gotta promise not to tell a word to anyone else, okay? I wouldn’t want this getting around. Promise?”

“Sure, I promise” Joe said getting ready to add one more to his store of boozy confidences.

“Yeah…” Joe sighed, then continued. “You know how it is when you’ve been together a long time, don’t you Joe? I mean you get into a routine, and maybe it’s a little dull, but it’s comfortable, too, you know? And that’s the way it was with Journalism and me.” He pointed to his glass again.

“And I gotta admit, Joe, I really didn’t see it coming.” He added as the glass was refilled. “I mean tonight was a night like any other, and I was there and Journalism was beside me like we had been for so many nights, and I reached over and. . .”

Joe knew better than to say anything, but his look was prompting and Internet continued in a rush:

“And then Journalism said ‘Okay but you gotta pay for it!’”

“No!” Joe snapped in disbelief. “Journalism? Selling it?”

“’Fraid so,” Internet said. “I thought Journalism was kidding at first, and said I wasn’t the kind that paid for it. “ Internet shook his head and finished another drink.

“She wasn’t kidding. She said if I wasn’t the kind that paid for it, I wouldn’t be the kind getting it and things got worse after that. . .” Internet looked for sympathy from Joe, who still looked thunderstruck. “Now what, Joe? Now what?”

This time Joe reached for two glasses and poured them both a strong one.

“I don’t know, Pal,” Joe said raising his glass in salute. “I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s gonna be good for either of you.”

“Amen,” Internet agreed and downed his drink. “Amen.”

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Out-of-pants expenses covered

Campaign Frolics Law Needed

Former Presidential Candidate John Edwards graced Sunday’s New York Times as a central figure in a story about whether using campaign funds to hush a mistress breaks federal law.

But recent political history from Edwards and many others suggest that federal law is badly out of step with the modern political process, which is why we need a Campaign Frolics Law.

Although Edwards has a legitimate paternity claim on such a law, he’s been kind of shy about the whole paternity thing for the last 19 months, so he may want to skirt the issue.

Other candidates and elected officials certainly have enough experience with skirts and issues to come to the fore playing a decisive role here. (Click here, for a recent NPR list.)

The goal would be providing public funding for candidates/officials personal recreation efforts provided they agreed to rules that would forbid screwing more than one member of the public at a time. Of course even such an obviously required law would have many kinks to be ironed out before passing Congress.

Funds for the measure could come from a modest surcharge on divorce and paternity lawyer fees, which would not be reimbursable expenses under the Campaign Frolics Law.

The fund would cover only the ordinary out-of-pants expenses involved in routine dalliance. Definitions and limits could be proposed by committees of public servants chaired by distinguished leaders with relevant expertise.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, for example, could lead the committee exploring the ins and outs of foreign affairs, including issues of travel expense and communications.

Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevy and former Idaho senator Larry Craig would be ideal to address gay security concerns, whether homeland or airport men’s room.

Nevada’s Sen. John Ensign’s experience would bring special insight to possible conflicts involving affairs with spouses of present or former staff members and be part of an effort to establish limits on both the amounts of hush money permitted and the level of tax deductibility.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer could address pay-for-play issues with an assist on lists and record-keeping from Louisiana Sen. David Vitter.

Former Congressman Mark Foley and former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick have expertise to contribute on e-mails and text-messaging issues, including age-appropriate concerns and the illusion of delete buttons.

Although the list of public officials with key expertise is long and growing, success would probably require a leader of unquestioned national stature who might be able to secure some startup funding from a public-minded corporate group.

As an industry reeling under regulation and growing social stigma, the folks who make cigars might certainly be interested in funding former President Clinton in an oversight position on the Campaign Frolics issue, perhaps in return for an infomercial on ways to use cigars that may be hot but aren’t smoking.

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