A Visit From Congress

T’was The Day Before Christmas

T’was the Day Before Christmas, and up on The Hill

The Senate was met to consider a bill,

A bill to fix Health Care, a bill that would pump it,

A bill that Republicans roared “We must dump it!”

“That bill would let paupers with lumps in their heads,

“Or sweating and shaking with fever in beds,

“Be treated by doctors, be folks just like us!”

“Oh, my goodness gracious, we must raise a fuss!”

From Rush, Glenn and Sarah arose such a clatter,

That wavers of tea bags quite mad as a hatter,

Would protest a bill that said spending for health,

Should not be a privilege restricted to wealth.

The Goons of the Right with their feverish chant,

Tried to turn “Yes We Can!” into “Hell No We Can’t!”

But to their great wonder and great Right Wing Fear,

A consensus of sense just began to appear.

With Harry Reid steering and cracking the whip,

And buying back those who might think to jump ship,

With politics stolen from “Let’s Make A Deal!”

Health Care at least, began to seem real.

“Now Nelson! now Baucus! Now Schumer and Tester!

“On Boxer! On Franken! On Feinstein and Specter!

“To a 60-vote cloture! To an end to this stall!

“Now vote away! Vote away! Vote away all!

As  politics’ bubbles all end with small pops,

Especially thoughts unenhanced by brewed hops,

So straight into passage the Health Care bill flew,

With 39 nays, but 60 Woo Hoo!

The next step’s a conference of Senate and House,

To iron out kinks so there’s nothing to grouse,

And nothing to sneer at and nothing to hate,

In a health care reform that’s at least decades late.

And then in each chamber a vote half-plus-one

Is next-step in doing the job to be done.

Then White House for signing and reform at last

It finally gets done, but it sure wasn’t fast!

Now Right Wingers growl, and they bristle like thistle

About helping others except with a missile.

But health reform’s coming, don’t doubt it one bit.

And for those who can’t stand it, “Hey Fellas -- Tough Shit!”

###

Good Government Chicago Style

Citizens concerned about the expense of government should take a look at Chicago’s solution tomorrow, a new approach that doesn’t involve city officials selling public offices, souls or much of anything else, at least officially.

Chicago is shutting down on Christmas Eve to save money. Except for police, fire and other essential services, the thousands of city officials on Chicago’s payroll won’t work tomorrow and they won’t get paid. (At least by the city – whether or not Chicago’s organized crime network would observe the no-pay rule for its own list of city officials was unclear.)

Because the city government will also be closed for the Christmas holiday, Chicagoans will have 48 hours without the benefits – or expenses – of government as they have come to know it. It’s an idea with possibilities.

For example, no-show city workers still won’t show at the jobs granted by their political patrons, but they won’t get paid. That brings both a savings and increased productivity, since it now takes less paid non-work to do nothing than it did before.

Beyond essential public safety services, only a few other absolutely vital functions will continue without interruption. Chicago’s deceased who are concerned about the continuity of their voting records can rest easy that they’ll continue to be good, if otherwise undemanding, citizens.

Other cities, as well as state and federal governments should pay close attention to the Chicago experiment. Shutting down non-essential government for one day a week allows taxpayers to save 14-20 percent of payroll expenses.

Suppose the Department of State shut down for one day a week. It would issue no statements, position papers or protests. The hands or other body parts of oil-producing nations wouldn’t get kissed, threats wouldn’t be made, bluffs called or situations deplored.

The betting is that most taxpayers wouldn’t notice a bit of difference. As for the foreigners the Department of State is supposed to keep in line, our enemies would still hate us and our allies would still line up for handouts – but the difference is it would cost us less.

See, everyone wins!

The same benefits could be considered for the IRS, the courts, Congress, the White House and their counterparts at the state level. Yes, it’s true that for Congress to cut back to a four-day workweek it would first have to increase to a five-day stint, but that’s a technical detail and shouldn’t distort the big picture.

As Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley (the first one) said “Good government is good politics.”

His son the mayor might think about saying “Less government is good politics – and cheaper, too.”

###

Republican Rebirth Ideas

With dreaded health-care reform looming in spite of their objections, Republicans need a comeback agenda based on their strengths as a bunch of rich, repressed, elderly white guys.

Here are some Old Value-based rebirth initiatives restated for renewed consideration. (We don’t consider new values – we’re Republicans, remember?)

INCREASE ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX ED awareness by holding a series of public workshops. The party is loaded with natural speakers here – South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, Nevada Sen. John Ensign, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, all of who have abstained from the monotony of married sex. Besides, all three men have contributions to make in other areas. Sanford’s trysts with an Argentinean could be cited as part of the GOP’s outreach for the Hispanic vote. Ensign’s employing his lover’s hubby then later helping him get another job would be perfect as an example of trickle-down economics. Vitter could become the GOP poster boy in the campaign for privacy in telephone communication.

REACH ACROSS RACIAL DIVIDES by hiring famous persons from real life to tell how they reached out to other races. A good example would be multiracial Tiger Woods, who might be hired to explain the cross-racial benefits of his vigorous outreach with women not his wife. With word on the street that some of Tiger’s sponsors are jumping ship, he also might be persuaded to do double duty as an Abstinence-Only speaker since he seems to have abstained from any love interest other than Caucasians.

INCREASE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES by hiring full-time agents whose job it is to keep RNC chairman Michael Steele away from mirrors and so create time he might devote to boosting the party. Other agents could work on psychological campaigns, convincing the wing of the GOP that likes to wave tea bags that tea is really a Communist drink, the favorite beverage of Russians, and that real Americans wave full cups of coffee. The boost to the dry-cleaning and laundry detergent industries would be immense.

REACH OUT TO THE RESENTFUL who are tired of all those goody two-shoes folks who finished school lording it over real Americans. Accept Sarah Palin for what she is on any given day. Her followers do, because they know that even if her positions on Tuesday are exactly opposite her positions on Monday, they were still Sarah’s Positions and that’s all they need to know.  Or want to know. Or can know. But if your five-gallon bucket is full and my one-pint bucket is full, we’re both carrying full buckets and are equals, right?

You betcha.

###