Car Warranties, Why Not Spouses?

Universal Marriage Warranty Act

When Congress is done frittering away time on Health Care Reform, it should address serious national problems like marriage warranties.

As a nation, we’re obsessed with warranties. They come with new cars, new cell phones, even new puppies, but are conspicuously absent when the deal is for a new spouse.

If a car company is warranting your new car for just about everything for five years or 60,000 miles, why shouldn’t your spouse’s parents do the same? A spouse, after all, costs lots more than the car, requires lots more maintenance and usually has a resale expense instead of a resale value.

For example, you got your spouse because he or she had a sexual transmission you thought was permanently locked in overdrive, but a few weeks after driving off the lot of I Do Motors, you discover that the only working gears are now Neutral or Snore. With a car, federal and state laws allow you to march back into the dealership and get the problem fixed or either a new car or your money back.

With a spouse, the most you can hope from parents is a smile and a shrug.

Even puppy mills will usually take back a puppy that wagged its tail until the sale, then concentrated on biting off anything it could chew, including you. True, the puppy mills will generally peddle the perp pooch to some other unsuspecting customer, but is that any different than parents of the previously married smiling benignly at the next prospective victim? The puppy mills will still warrant the puppy on second sale. Try getting that from a divorced spouse’s parents.

Pre-nuptial agreements address what happens when the star-crossed lovers just become cross, but they almost always wind up in court. A marriage warranty would avoid clogging the court system if it specified specific remedies for specific problems.

Auto warranties would probably provide the best model for spouse warranties. The rust-through provisions of most auto warranties could easily become lard-through provisions in spousal warranties. And if the drive train dropping out in a car is a clear case for no-cost replacement, what about a spouse who loses all drive?

When communication devices in cars break down, the warranty usually covers the problem. When they break down in spouse, nothing covers the problem except divorce lawyers drawn like flies to an open wound.

A properly designed marriage warranty might even reduce the murders listed under “crimes of passion” when one frustrated partner takes the “until death do us part” of the vows as a good suggestion.

Because this is such an important issue, I’ll even suggest a title: The 2009 Universal Marriage Warranty Act. While it might make lots less sense than Health Care Reform, that will at least guarantee it consideration.

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Top Secret Confabs Exclusive!

Congress Faces Ethics Threat

Top Secret bipartisan meetings are being held by Congressional leaders determined to nip in the bud an ethics incident that has them terrified. “This sort of thing could shut down Congress!” said one senior representative who only spoke with reporters present on condition of anonymity.

“It’s a threat to the Republic,” agreed another senator, also demanding anonymity and helpfully explaining “it’s got to be airtight, just like a sealed indictment.”

Their topic was first-term Republican Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana, who stunned both parties when he became the only Republican to join 219 Democrats in voting for the Health Care Bill in the House.

Crossing party lines is frowned on upon in both houses of Congress, where tight party loyalty is the mud that lets the legislative wheels spin vigorously without actually getting anywhere. It’s also the basis for many warm, personal relations with lobbyists and others who contribute to good government, or at least to government that’s good to them.

“You have to look at more than just Cao’s vote to see the enormity of this threat,” confided a ten-term representative. “Check his motives, the reasons this guy gave – it’s absolutely astounding!”

Cao said in a statement that he voted for the Health Care Bill because "I have always said that I would put aside partisan wrangling to do the business of the people. My vote tonight was based on my priority of doing what is best for my constituents.”

“How the Hell can you do business with ethics like that?” complained one senator who is just a heartbeat or a conviction away from an important committee chairmanship. “Doesn’t he know Congress is about scratching what itches?”

Another leader just shook his head. “You can’t explain itches and scratches to a guy in a hair shirt,” he said to murmurs of agreement.

Although the congressional leaders in the secret meeting did achieve complete bipartisanship in their determination to keep others from going Cao’s ethical route, there was less agreement on the best way to accomplish that.

Democrats favored using tax dollars to get Cao to go away. Republicans wanted the funding to come from the private sector. Efforts to reach a compromise died when the most senior member of Congress in the room roused from what seemed a nap and said “Wait a minute, you guys. You’re all fussing about how to pay this guy to go away, but did you ever stop to think that maybe he can’t be bought?”

Cries of horror and outrage were all reporters were able to record before being firmly ushered out of the meeting room by Capitol Police.

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