ROACH Republican Caucus

Celebrates AHCA House Win

Republican members of the House ROACH caucus celebrated today when a bill repealing the Affordable Care Act passed on a 217-213 vote. “This is a great day for us and our contributors!” said caucus chair Rep. Ian Thunderbottom.

(Thunderbottom’s office later amended the statement to read “...great day for us and our constituents,” explaining the congressman misspoke in his exuberance.)

The ROACH caucus (Republicans Opposing All Comprehensive Healthcare) was formed in 2010 when Democrats forced passage of the Affordable Care Act, dubbed ObamaCare,  which threatened America with waves of healthy poor people. Today’s Republican repeal-and-replace bill, AHCA (Affluent Health Care Act), still requires Senate approval, but that did little to dampen joy in  the ROACH caucus.

“We’re liberating millions of Americans from the hassles of dealing with health insurance!” exulted Rep. Billy Bob Thickskul as fellow ROACH caucus member snatched celebratory cans of Bud Light. “No more of them forms and fuss,  just the right to be sick without guv’mint buttin’ into whut’s a private mis’ry!”

“Amen, Brother, Amen!” agreed Rep. Judas Asschariot,  an ordained minister in the Church of Eternal Collection. “Sickness is visited upon those whose support lags, so their redemption must be personal.” Asked to define “personal” redemption of sickness, Asschariot explained “You know, like  a personal check.”

The bill as written would bring major insurance cost increases to the elderly and those who are already sick. Rep. Nolo Contendre explained it as a move to increase efficiency of the health insurance system by allowing free-market forces to work. Those who choose to be old or sick or both would be freed of the burden of compulsory participation. “We’re just getting the government out of Mother Nature’s way,” he said.

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