Two Problems Solved!

Second-Oldest Profession Should

Learn The Tricks of The First

Whores and journalists are in the same sort of business – catering to wants for a price – and those calling for government subsidies and other silliness to save professional journalism from the Internet should study how prostitution confronted its own New Age challenges and won.

Prostitutes Do It for money and journalists earn money by telling how others Do It. Both were confronted with the same sort of change – others were giving the product away for free – but prostitutes managed to survive and prosper, while in journalism the only way folks are getting laid is off.

Prostitution once had its market by the -- uh, well – anyway, because of a price and availability advantage. Good Girls were afraid of pregnancy and demanded a lifelong commitment of love and support before delivering the Goods when the mood struck them. Prostitutes got in the mood at the sight of a throbbing wallet and never failed to deliver the Goods at a reasonable price as long as the crane was working.

Journalism also had its market in a firm grip. Ordinary folk couldn’t find for themselves what was happening in the world, so publishers hired reporters to find it for them and then charged advertisers to wiggle their wares before the resulting readers. The readers paid a little, the advertisers paid a lot, the reporters got paid little and the publishers paid themselves a lot.

And Then. . .

For prostitutes, And Then was the double whammy of The Pill and The Sexual Revolution that suddenly made it chic and relatively safe to deliver the Goods often and for free. As in Free Love, bra-burnings, Friends With Benefits.

For journalists, And Then was the rise of the Broadband Internet, which allowed every Joe Citizen to both report and view news worldwide, sharing it at will and sometimes building vast audiences. Advertisers and their money come to vast audiences like flies to manure piles and the biggest piles usually draw the most flies, so journalists watched others build ever-bigger piles and mourned as the flies zipped right past their puny efforts.

So for both prostitutes and journalists, what they once did professionally for money was now being offered by amateurs for free. Same problem, but vastly different reactions.

Prostitutes embraced niche marketing and product differentiation. Since so many of their sisters were delivering Plain Vanilla Goods for free, prostitutes focused on multiple exotic flavors, highly discreet and private special services, and other things that generally fell under the “You Want Me To Do What???” category. Prostitution prospered. Just ask the last half-dozen or so senior elected officials and corporate execs who found the path to “pursuing other opportunities” suddenly beckoning when the records of their expensive and exotic hobbies surfaced.

Journalists, alas, stubbornly tried to charge for what is widely available for free, some even whining that those who do it for free are unfairly benefiting from the traditional journalist’s for-pay efforts. Unwilling to produce a new product that customers might buy, they tried to survive by selling a product that most customers already had for free.

Although unfortunate, the disparity of results between the two professions affords a unique public policy opportunity. Most would agree that prostitution should be eliminated. And most would agree that journalism must be saved. The solution is therefore simple.

We need only make the Leaders of Journalism assume the duties of Madams and have Madams become Leading Journalists – journalism will prosper and prostitution will be eliminated.

Count on it.

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UPDATED Ham On The Lam

Three Little Piggies Went To ???

Authorities remained uncertain about the whereabouts of the three swine-flu-infected pigs from a Minnesota state fair and the pigs say they want to keep it that way, even though officials Monday confirmed that at least one of the porker perps tested positive for swine flu.

Attempts to renew yesterday’s conversation with self-styled pig leader Football weren’t initially successful. All attempts are under anonymous source rules that prevent revealing the pig’s whereabouts or method of communication.

In yesterday’s interview, Football sharply criticized the media coverage that began Friday when the United States Department of Agriculture said preliminary tests showed possible swine flu.

“So we may have swine flu, so what?” said the pig who asked to be identified only as Football. “We’re swine – what’re we supposed to get, chicken pox?”

Authorities speculated the pigs may have been infected by a visiting group of students, a suspicion shared by Football who said “Sneezing and wheezing little brats were everywhere. When are you people going to learn basic sanitation?”

Asked for clarification, Football said “You ever see a pig sneeze into his hand and then touch a doorknob?”

Minnesota and federal authorities have mostly stuck to an explanation that says the pigs at the fair were sent to a slaughterhouse shortly afterward, and Football confirmed that was the suspected destination when he and his companions made their getaway.

“Those little piggies all were going to the Final Market,” Football said “and when me and my buddies figured that out we acted fast.

“We knew you people were suckers for believing your own H1N1 hype, so when we got to the ramp into that truck, we all started hacking and wheezing at the herders, who backed off in a panic. That’s when we made our break.”

Football wouldn’t say exactly how he and his fellow escapees managed to leave the fairgrounds except to say cryptically that “there were enough politicians around to hide in plain sight.”

Asked to share details of their future plans, Football would only snort and squeal, a move he later confided had been copied wholesale from the Republican National Committee. He added that he and his fellow escapees hoped to meet others in the wilderness of northwestern Minnesota, banding together for mutual defense and support.

“We hear there are some moderate Republicans in those woods,” Football said “and we hope to make common cause against the oppression and persecution of our peoples.”

Told that public fears were based on the pigs spreading the flu virus they had probably acquired from humans back to more humans, Football’s squeal of laughter went on for seconds before he was able to gasp “You mean like from close personal contact?”

The squealing resumed until Football again got enough control to add “Look Pal, if there’s any personal contact, it won’t start from us. And I think I’m speaking for all pigs when I say you can tell any human who wants that to eat me!”

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Ham On The Lam

Three Little Piggies Went To ???

Authorities remained uncertain about the whereabouts of the three swine-flu-infected pigs from a Minnesota state fair and the pigs say they want to keep it that way.

Speaking only on condition that his whereabouts and communication method not be revealed, the lead porker sharply criticized the media coverage that began Friday when the United States Department of Agriculture said preliminary tests showed possible swine flu.

“So we may have swine flu, so what?” said the pig who asked to be identified only as Football. “We’re swine – what’re we supposed to get, chicken pox?”

Authorities speculated the pigs may have been infected by a visiting group of students, a suspicion shared by Football who said “Sneezing and wheezing little brats were everywhere. When are you people going to learn basic sanitation?”

Asked for clarification, Football said “You ever see a pig sneeze into his hand and then touch a doorknob?”

Minnesota and federal authorities have mostly stuck to an explanation that says the pigs at the fair were sent to a slaughterhouse shortly afterward, and Football confirmed that was the suspected destination when he and his companions made their getaway.

“Those little piggies all were going to the Final Market,” Football said “and when me and my buddies figured that out we acted fast.

“We knew you people were suckers for believing your own H1N1 hype, so when we got to the ramp into that truck, we all started hacking and wheezing at the herders, who backed off in a panic. That’s when we made our break.”

Football wouldn’t say exactly how he and his fellow escapees managed to leave the fairgrounds except to say cryptically that “there were enough politicians around to hide in plain sight.”

Asked to share details of their future plans, Football would only snort and squeal, a move he later confided had been copied wholesale from the Republican National Committee. He added that he and his fellow escapees hoped to meet others in the wilderness of northwestern Minnesota, banding together for mutual defense and support.

“We hear there are some moderate Republicans in those woods,” Football said “and we hope to make common cause against the oppression and persecution of our peoples.”

Told that public fears were based on the pigs spreading the flu virus they had probably acquired from humans back to more humans, Football’s squeal of laughter went on for seconds before he was able to gasp “You mean like from close personal contact?”

The squealing resumed until Football again got enough control to add “Look Pal, if there’s any personal contact, it won’t start from us. And I think I’m speaking for all pigs when I say you can tell any human who wants that to eat me!”

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