Giving Thanks . . .Write On!

Thanksgiving tomorrow marks the uniquely American holiday when cardiologists measure the prospects for their future prosperity as families celebrate by first stuffing a turkey and then themselves.

It’s our way of saying we’re thankful.

Folks who write about current events have reason to be especially thankful, since they neither sow, nor do they reap, they just comment. And what a season for comment it’s been.

So in no particular order, this writer is thankful for:

The Republican Zipper Brigade, that stalwart band of buttoned-up Family Values types who earnestly pursue lives of zipper-down research into the sins they oppose – after all, Know Your Enemy, right?

Sarah Palin, who hasn’t finished a term as governor of Alaska or a complete sentence, and isn’t letting either trifle bother her in her pursuit of higher goals. Whether those goal include higher office, completed sentences or simply higher revenue from exploiting sudden celebrity isn’t clear, but why should clear be on the tables when it’s just what they want from under, you know and we won’t let them come on top with it, you betcha!

Lou Dobbs, who parted ways with CNN with a multi-million-dollar package to contemplate a future as a United States Senator or, perhaps, President of The United States. That his most devoted supporters, full-length mirrors, aren’t allowed to vote is just one more wrong he’s determined to right. Very right. Far, far  right.

Soon-to-be-former New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine, who discovered that while money can’t buy love, in a recession it can’t even buy New Jersey. Corzine spent significantly more than his opponents for significantly less results. Maybe it was part of a secret plot for him to move those talents to Washington, where they are a natural fit with the federal bailout mavens who also spend much and get little.

Wall Street, which spent the year jumping into a raging river of bad debt, being rescued by taxpayers, then giving itself a heroism bonus. This bit of gratitude is shared with the Obama Administration, which spent the year desperately trying to churn butter from the shit Wall Street swore was cream.

Swine Flu and The World Health Organization who proved that being largely innocuous and inept isn’t a bar to fame and fortune if your public relations staff is really earning its keep.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele, whose ability to stay on message –“I’m wonderful! I’m wonderful!” – transcends any meaningful attempts at bipartisan compromise on any issue.

America’s Daily Newspapers, which are reminding us that they’re too important to die and citing their own statements to make the argument, which would be funny if anyone were paying attention. Which they aren’t. Which is the problem.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

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First Annual Turkey Awards

Recognizing that Thanksgiving signals the beginning of the season in which awards are given for performance in the previous year, Larry Blasko Said is mildly pleased to announce the First Annual Turkey Awards, generally honoring those who may be stuffed full of it, but seldom roast as they deserve.

The Turkey Award For Nitpicking does to the South Carolina Ethics Commission, for leveling charges of misbehavior against Gov. Mark Sanford, mostly for flying business class to places like Beijing when state policy calls for coach fare. You can read the individual nits here, including the shocking charge that Sanford, a Republican, may have used campaign funds for a trip to President Obama’s inauguration. Sanford, you’ll recall, came to national notice after disappearing for five days during which aides and his wife were told he was hiking the Appalachian trail when he was really in Argentina with his “soul mate.” Hiking, of course.

The Turkey Award For Mirror Addiction goes to Lou Dobbs, former CNN anchor who got to be former after several tussles with his bosses over the difference between unbiased news reporting and his opinions, which were, he apparently assured himself, Revealed Truth. The latest truth he’s revealed is that he won’t rule out running for president in 2012.

The Turkey Award For Greatest Group Gobble goes to the Republican National Committee,  which spent 2009 coming out in firm, principled opposition to just about everything except its own firm, principled opposition. No certain connection between that and the sudden thirst of the RNC communication director on Monday to return to his career in the private sector, a career he only abandoned in March.

The Turkey Award For Inspired Indecision goes to the so-called Mainstream Media, which is on a straight path towards being rebaptized the Tributary Trickle Media. Faced with an overwhelming onslaught of readers and advertisers abandoning them for web-based alternatives, what’s left of Mainstream has endorsed pay walls except when it hasn’t, thundered strict copyright enforcement except when it didn’t, and searched relentlessly for a clue, any clue.

The Turkey Award For Shameless Greed goes to Wall Street, which gobbled up so much “profit” on questionable investments that taxpayers had to fund mega-billion bailouts – so Wall Street could gobble up billions in bonus money reflecting stellar performance. This award is paired with the Turkey Award For Determined Innocence to the Obama Administration’s economic wizards who see no evil intent, hear no evil intent and certainly speak of no evil intent about  those struggling Wall Street titans, many of whom have been forced to cut back to only three or four homes.

The Turkey Celebrity Strut Award goes to former partial-term Alaska governor and failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who has displayed a mastery of the limelight not seen since Betty Boop, and comes close you betcha to matching Boop’s intellectual and linguistic achievements. Now hustling her book Going Rogue, Palin wins for an impressive display of going commando on policy initiatives.

The Turkey Longest To Hatch Award goes to the Obama administration, which has been setting on a coherent exit policy for both Iraq and Iran for most of a year. Yeah, Old George built the nest, but the Obama crowd has spent months on it without producing either egg or chick.

Finally, the Turkey Who Types Award goes to this author, who enjoys the wonders of criticizing performance without being responsible to perform. Or as Voltaire said, “A witty saying proves nothing.”

Thank God we ain’t got none of that.

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Helpful Husband Holiday Hints

Today begins Thanksgiving week, the start of the annual year-end explosion that features alternate bursts of Good Cheer and Good Grief, with the traditional turkey-burdened feast now just a pre-game warmup for the Black Friday official start of festivities.

Although the nation has made significant strides in equality between the sexes, management of the month-long celebration still falls mostly to wives. Since any right-thinking husband should be appalled at that, or at least recognize the opportunity to earn points by volunteering, a few Helpful Husband Holiday Tips are in order:

·        HOLIDAY CLEANING is a chore many wives hate, in part because they don’t approach it with typical male creativity. Three-days-worn T-Shirts are rich in body oils, which husbands rightly know to be the ideal way to both dust and polish the living and dining room tables. Boxer shorts of similar vintage often contain ideal areas for blending over minor dark furniture scratches.

·        Any guest in a position to observe dust bunnies under the bed or sofa is likely to be too drunk to notice, so concentrate efforts in the more visible guest areas, like making certain the beer cooler is immaculate, the bathrooms at least passable and the glassware dusty only on the outside.

·        Vacuuming carpets and washing floors before inviting a couple of dozen folk to eat while trampling upon them makes no sense, but is dear to wifely hearts anyway. A Wet and Dry garage vac works wonders here, as long as it is used while your wife is absent. If you are lucky enough to have a dog, dried stains on both wood floors and carpets can be addressed with a little bit of dribbled chicken broth and a whistle for Rover to do his thing.

·        HOLIDAY SHOPPING for gifts can be made simple if you realize that the recipients are going to return and exchange them in any event. So go ahead and get your teen-age niece a burqua and your grandmother a bikini, as long as you include the gift receipt. Note: Even if an unbiased observer would conclude that your wife looks better in a burqua than a bikini, always get her the bikini – the longest-lived observers of rules are those who know when to ignore them.

·        Those who shop early for their loved  ones always get the best bargains, so plan to begin your shopping by at least 4 pm on Christmas Eve.

·        Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You may indeed be the Golden Rule, but it doesn’t cover getting your wife a new Duck Blind and Decoy set unless she’s skilled with a shotgun, in which case it’s doubly dangerous. Although individual vary, think twice about a pneumatic socket-wrench kits as well.

Finally, when all else seems lost, remember this great phrase, down from the depths of time from Father to Son:

“Honey, isn’t it the thought that counts?”

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