LBS Exclusive!
Trump Side Story!
WASHINGTON
(LBS) -- Concerned that fired FBI Director James Comey’s testimony today before
Congress would dominate public attention, spurious sources told LBS
the White House plans a musical commercial response entitled “Trump Side
Story.”
Those same sources were able to obtain a script
of one of the musical numbers featuring the president, Vice President
Pense, and key staffers Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon. The
score closely resembled that of the “Gee, Officer Krupke” number from West Side
Story, but when asked to comment on that, sources would only respond “executive
privilege.”
The text:
GEE,
DIRECTOR COMEY
TRUMP
Dear Friend Director Comey,
You gotta understand,
It's just my bringin' up-ey
That gets me out of hand.
I got just what I wanted,
I always got it quick..
Golly Moses! That's why I’m a prick!
TRUMP AND TRUMPERS
Gee, Director Comey, we're very upset;
He’s never had the love that ev'ry Prez
oughta get.
He ain't no delinquent,
He does give a hoot
Deep down inside he hoots for loot!
TRUMP
There is loot!
ALL
There is loot, there is loot,
There is untapped loot!
Deep inside, he surely lusts for loot!
PENCE: (Spoken) That's a touchin' loot story.
TRUMP: (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!
PENCE: Just tell it to Bob Mueller.
TRUMP
Dear kindly Robert Mueller,
The Fake News treats me rough.
They won’t lay off their stories,
When I have yelled “Enough!”.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards! That's why I'm so mad!
SPICER: (As Mueller) Right!
Director Comey, you're really a square;
This Prez just has a probe he needs to vanish in
air!
It's sparks his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He's constitutionally disturbed!
TRUMP
I'm disturbed!
TRUMPERS
He’s disturbed, he’s disturbed,
He’s the most disturbed,
Like we're constitutionally disturbed.
SPICER: (Spoken, as Judge) In the opinion on this court, this Prez
is disturbed on account he ain't had any favorable press.
TRUMP: (Spoken) Hey, I'm disturbed on account I'm defamed.
SPICER: So take him to a lawyer.
TRUMP (Sings)
The press is always sayin’
That I’m an S.O.B.
That half the world is prayin’
The House impeaches me.
I only want what’s due me,
I only want the best..
Just quote my stuff and forget all the rest!!
CONWAY: (As Lawyer) Yes!
Director Comey, you're really so sick.
Your big investigation’s a political trick.
Your probing has made you a real piece of work
And speaking plainly, you’re a jerk!
TRUMP
He’s a jerk!
ALL
He’s a jerk, he’s a jerk,
A relentless jerk,
And we hate the way he does his work!!
CONWAY: In my opinion, this Prez don’t need to take this at all. He
can just fire Comey and that’s a fact!
TRUMP: Hey, I got an alternate fact!
CONWAY: No, that’s a real fact.
TRUMP
Dear kindly mainstream newsies,
You let me have no luck,
‘Cause when I fired Comey,
You all called me a schumck.
It's not I'm anti-Comey,
I'm only anti-jail.
Gloryosky! That's my real tale!
BANNON: (As Female Social Worker)
Eek!
Officer Comey, you've done it again.
Instead of Mar-A-Lago, Mar-A-Year-In-The-Pen
Obstruction of justice ain’t no White House
perk!
We really hoped the scam would work!!
TRUMP
Plus no loot!
ALL
Plus no loot, no big loot!
There’s no lovely loot,
Like the worst of it is no damn loot!
SPICER (As Judge)
The trouble is he's crazy.
CONWAY (As Psychiatrist)
The trouble is his kinks.
BANNON (As Female Social Worker)
The trouble is he's lazy.
SPICER
The trouble is he stinks.
CONWAY
The trouble is he's tweeting.
BANNON
He’s always quick to moan.
ALL
Comey, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Director Comey,
We're down on our knees,
'Cause that’s the posture that with Trump is
most sure to please.
Gee, Director Comey,
What are we to do?
Gee, Director Comey,
Trump you!
(Apologies to Leonard
Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim, whose “Gee, Officer Krupke” from “West Side
Story” told tales of better times.)
###
