The End Is Near

The Devil’s In His Details

(Satan has been holding a Seven Deadly Sins performance review and just four demons have survived, including Slow Slug, demon of Sloth, who has been waiting two days to hear his fate as Satan’s punishments for non-performance escalate. See the first meeting minutes here and those of the second here.)

Slow Slug and the demons in charge of Wrath, Envy and Pride filed almost silently into Hell’s Executive Conference Center, each taking seats as far away from the throne at the table’s end as they could.

The feeding of the demons of Greed and Gluttony to the Hellhounds via a woodchipper yesterday had cast a pall, limiting even the joy of working visits to the former demon of Lust, now an open-mouth urinal.

“What I’d like to know,” said Green Goop, the Envy demon, “is what makes Slow Slug so special? Why isn’t he dog meat?”

“Yeah!” snarled Hot Fang, the demon of Wrath. “He screwed up and he’s still sitting here. It almost makes my blood boil!”

“Gentlemen! Please!” said Top Fop, the demon of Pride. “We must be better than that!”

“Actually, you must be worse than that,” Satan said as he appeared at the head of the table. “We are a performance-driven organization, are we not?”

Four surprised heads nodded eagerly. Where the Devil had he come from?

“And what is the drive behind our performance?” Satan prompted.

“Basics!” came the chorus.

“Basics indeed!” sneered Satan, “and besides unveiling the delights that await our friend Slow Slug, we need to continue reports. Do we have a volunteer?”

The demons all developed a sudden fascination with their toes.

“Tsk!” said Satan. “Such damned modesty! But we must begin, so we’ll award pride of place to Top Fop.”

The demon of Pride forced a smile.

“Come, come Fopsie, make us proud!” Satan prompted.

Top Fop launched into a detailed explanation of how the world of fashion and the drive to be fashionable had worked to foster pride, concluding “They dress for success, taking pride in their appearance!”

“So you say,” Satan said in seeming boredom, then turned to the demon of Wrath. “But come, Hot Fang, what have you to say?”

“Plenty!” roared the demon. He told of endless wars, ongoing hate, acts of anger ranging from a blared horn in traffic to murder. “Anger rules!” he shouted in conclusion.

“No, actually, I do,” Satan said with quiet malice. “But let’s carry on – Green Goop, share how you’ve fostered Envy, won’t you?”

“Divide and conquer!” Green Goop chortled.”Those that haven’t envy those that have, who envy those that have more, until those that have most envy those that haven’t for their simple lives. It’s perfect!”

“Hardly,” Satan said, “but hang around, all of you, while I think.” All four demons began dangling from nooses above the conference table.

Demons can’t die, but they can wish they could and as Satan stared into the middle distance, the choking and gurgling above him eventually died down to occasional twitches.

“Of course!” Satan suddenly roared. “Of course!” Looking up he laughed and said “Come, you hangers-on – back to business!” and four demons hit their conference chairs as the ropes disappeared.

“Gentlemen, you have had some small success,” Satan said as the demons rubbed raw necks, “but what you need is organization, rules, committees. You must optimize the cross-pollination of workflows and processes through mutually interdependent planning and execution of strategies focused on cross-supported goals!”

The demons looked at him dumbly.

“After all, it is a vital part of…?” Satan prompted.

“Basics?” came the muted, uncertain reply.

“Basics!” Satan said. “So here’s your new organization. Hot Fang, in addition to Wrath, you now have the Lust portfolio. You’ll report to Green Goop, who will also be personally responsible for Greed as Well as Envy. Green Goop will report to Top Fop, who will continue with Pride and adds Gluttony to his portfolio, as well as Sloth.”

“But! But!” started the demons in protest.

“Don’t thank me, lads” Satan said. “We’re just belt tightening, right-sizing and becoming lean and mean. Besides, I believe you’re familiar with the alternate process?”

They were all too familiar, especially when Satan added flushing and woodchipping sounds to the background noise.

“One more thing,” Satan added. “To promote the right spirit, the failure of any one of you will mean the punishment of all. That’s why we have such a tight leadership and reporting structure. Hot Fang reports to Green Goop who reports to Top Fop.”

“So Top Fop’s in charge?” whined Green Goop, practicing his envy skills.

“Hell’s Bells no!” Satan smirked. “To get the results I wanted, I had to find someone best suited to lead this great team. Gentlemen, I give you your top executive, Slow Slug!”

“But he’s never accomplished anything!” Hot Fang howled.

“Precisely!” Satan laughed. “Carry on, gentlemen – see you soon!”

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The Second Meeting

The Devil’s Details Continued

(Satan has been holding a Seven Deadly Sins performance review and already the big-mouthed demon of lust has become a urinal while Satan takes his time overnight pondering the demon of sloth’s fate. See the first meeting minutes here.)

Five of the six remaining demons snarled and snapped in what passes for Hell’s morning chat as they waited for Satan to continue the Seven Deadly Sins performance review at the fiery glowing crystal conference table.

The sixth, Slow Slug, stared morosely at his predecessor silently screaming in the table’s interior flames. Slow Slug had slothfully missed the boat on encouraging frenzied electronic pursuit of the useless in text messaging. Satan had promised he would get what he deserved and he shuddered at the thought of Pus Pot, the former demon of lust, now with a new career as Piss Pot, a urinal in Hell.

A scream of souls announced their host as Satan entered the room beaming “Ahh! Good Morning to all! So nice to see your eager faces!” He looked at the six, all of whom tried to beam confidence, except Slow Slug, who stared morosely at the table.

“Tsk!” Satan clucked. “Slow Slug! No apathy, my lad! Too late for that, you know. My promises are always kept, but no point in hurrying because we must continue getting back to. . .?” He looked at the other demons expectantly.

“Basics!” they roared as one, even Slow Slug joining in.

“Basics!” Satan echoed with approval. “And now let’s find whether we’ve been standing up too close or back to far to G-G – Greed and Gluttony. Grab and Gulp, make your reports!”

Two obscenely fat demons flashed oiled smiles as they pretended courtesy with “Please begin, Dear Gulp,” and “No, you first, Brother Grab,” until Satan frowned and they were whirling head over tail above a snarling woodchipper.

“Heads I win, tails you lose, Gentlemen?” Satan asked. “Or perhaps you would prefer to plunge into your reports instead?”

Both demons nodded vigorously, slick smiles intact and cold eyes fixed on the woodchipper until Satan dumped them on the conference table with a thump. “You there, Grab – please begin.”

“Greed has been triumphant!” Grab began while the woodchipper idled softly. “We have seen a recession caused by mortals trading ever more worthless securities for ever-expanding commissions until the inevitable collapse crushed the masses who nonetheless were forced to spend more to pay even higher commissions.”

“Yes,” said Satan, “that has been noted, Grab. You no doubt think it one Hell of an accomplishment?”

“You betcha!” Grab chirped. “And you, Sir?”

Satan just smiled tightly and turned to Gulp. “And you my little dumpling, what does Gulp have for our stew of accomplishment?”

Uncomfortable with the metaphor, Gulp nonetheless put a brave front on things and said “Obesity! Sir, we have great rolling, wallowing masses of obesity, tons upon tons literally being crushed to death by their own fat. If that’s not gluttony in action, I don’t know what is, Sir!”

“Clearly,” Satan observed dryly. “Yet nonetheless a weighty accomplishment.”

Satan glanced about the table. “Gentlemen, we have these reports! There must be judgment! And what is the basis for judgment?”

“Basics!” the six roared, with Grab and Gulp striving to be the loudest. They had, after all, reported progress.

“Yes, Basics,” agreed Satan, turning to Grab. “Grab, old boy, the greed of the few on the backs of the many speaks for itself of your work,” he said as Grab beamed in relief.

“And what shoddy work it is!” Satan roared. “Hell knows there will always be a few of great greed, but Hell wants greed by the millions! By allowing a few to be so greedy and exploit the many, you have taught the many a lesson about a sin they should avoid!” Grab trembled.

“And you, Gulp,” Satan sneered. “You have lived off the fat of the land claiming gluttony credit for obesity in a land of plenty. Hell would be far better served by the few obese gluttons in a land of famine. I sent you to foster sin and you return fostering junk food marketing.”

“But!” both demons protested as they and a now-roaring woodchipper levitated. “But indeed,” laughed Satan. “Time to feed my hellhounds, gentlemen, and they truly love butts!”

Demons and woodchipper vanished toward the horizon with a wave of Satan’s hand, pausing just long enough for the chipper to roar its highest, followed by short screams and the baying of hungry hellhounds being fed.

“Greed and Gluttony in action at last,” Satan smiled. “But enough work for a morning – Wrath, Envy and Pride will be tomorrow’s topics. I trust you all will have one Hell of a time until then. Dismissed!”

All four remaining demons scrambled to leave and as Satan watched them go he called “Oh there, Slow Slug! I haven’t forgotten you lad. Don’t despair! You’ll get what’s coming to you yet!”

To Be Continued…

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A Hell of A Plan

The Devil’s Details

“Gentlemen!” Satan roared, “Basics! We must get back to basics!”

“Basics!” echoed his seven new deadly sin lieutenants as they sat nervously around the crystal conference table’s red glow. Their predecessors twisted inside the table in flames. This was the newbies first performance review and they were well aware that most never got a second.

“You, Pus Pot!” Satan sneered, “You’re in charge of Lust – Report!”

Pus Pot broke off from exchanging an obscene gesture with his former boss in the table and assumed an expression of confidence.

“We’ve triumphed!” he shouted. “Sex is everywhere! It’s in all forms of media, the constant topic of conversation, a complete obsession!” He waited for Satan’s reaction. It didn’t come.

Pus Pot continued anyway, detailing all the ways lust has pervaded life, building up to a rhetorical big finish.“It’s all sex, all the time!” the demon crowed, then paused a microsecond before slyly adding “And I trust we can drink to that?”

Satan smiled. “Oh, yes, Dear Dear Pus Pot, most assuredly you can drink to that.”

“Great!” the demon said as he opened his mouth in a wide grin.

“Hold that thought,” Satan said as Pus Pot vanished.

“For the curious among you,” Satan said, “Our colleague has accepted reassignment here” and materialized a video of Hell’s men’s room. Pus Pot and his wide wide-open grin joined a line of other demons serving as urinals. “Cheers!” Satan laughed.

“He made it too easy,” Satan explained. “Lust no longer required defiance. It became as pervasive and normal as breathing. The essence of sin is defiance. No defiance, no sin. Basics!”

“Basics!” echoed the six remaining demons, most murmuring through tightly closed lips as the video continued to show Pus Pot at work.

“Our former colleague Pus Pot,” Satan said “has now become Piss Pot” – he paused to wait for the obligatory nervous chuckles – “but that shouldn’t interfere with your continued reports.

Ahh! Slow Slug my boy! How goes the Sloth trade? Slowly, I trust?”

Another round of nervous chuckles as Slow Slug deliberately got to his feet, thought better of it and just as deliberately slid back into his seat.

“Outstanding!” Satan beamed. “Leading by example!”

Slow Slug showed the uncertain beginnings of a smile starting to creep ever so slowly across his fangs until Satan continued “Alas! In This modern age, simply being slow to do anything isn’t enough. The new form of sloth is to actively pursue other things to do instead of work, often working twice as hard to accomplish nothing.”

Satan paused to look at the group. Though none dared say it, their confusion was evident. “It’s really quite simple,” he continued. “We call it text messaging. Thanks to our development team, we can observe text messaging being pursued with great vigor and energy – but since it accomplishes almost nothing, it is a supreme form of sloth. Basics!”

“Basics!” echoed the demons, even Slow Slug putting his heart into it.

“And you, Slow Slug,” Satan said turning to the unfortunate demon. “You have been too slow to grasp the subtleties of sloth. Remember that energy in the promotion of sloth is no vice and moderation in promoting sin is no virtue.”

Slow Slug began what he hoped was an energetic nod, but Satan interrupted. “You will get what you deserve, Slow Slug – but don’t hurry me! Basics!”

“Basics!” echoed the other demons, wondering which would be next under the Infernal Gaze.

“Dismissed!” said Satan with a grin. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Pleasant dreams! Oh – and do remember to visit with your former colleague Piss Pot. He’d love to get your input!”

To Be Continued…

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Nothing Much Happening

But We’ll Report Anyway

Nothing much is happening today, so here’s a list of the things we aren’t going to discuss:

· We aren’t going to discuss the White House medical staff’s emergency search for President Obama’s balls, last seen on a basketball court but now urgently needed to end the pointless Health Care debate. President Obama telling the howling conservatives and whining centrists “We got the mandate, we got the votes and we’re gonna pass this sucker” would do much to switch his administration’s message back to “Yes, we can!” The message now is “Maybe, if you let us and you don’t think it will be too much trouble...” It’s too soon to predict President Obama will devote the rest of his administration to scheduling the basketball court, but insiders have noticed former President Carter hinting his court-scheduling expertise is available.

· We aren’t going to discuss the elections in Afghanistan, which pit different brands of corrupt thugs against religious crazies in a contest to nab the tremendous profits from illegal opium, a scenario we’re certain was never mentioned in Junior High Civics, which is apparently where the last two administrations formed their Afghanistan policy.

· We aren’t going to discuss Michael Jackson, who will soon be buried several years after his moral and creative death and a few weeks after his anticlimactic physical passing. We will especially not discuss his surviving children, including discussion of whether or not they’re his – no point in raising false hopes for kids already suffering.

· We refuse the discuss the pre-season follies from the National Football League, including who’s back from prison, retirement or re-retirement. Nor will we discuss the aggressively banal discovery that Tiger Woods is human and can, on occasion, lose a golf tournament. We would, however, discuss Major League Baseball if we could find anyone under 50 who was interested.

· There will be no discussion of cute, mean or lethal dogs, kids, spouses, creditors, lobbyists, politicians, preachers, pundits and pollsters. Even loose modern decorum has limits.

· Speculation about the newspaper industry being dead, dying or just endlessly whining about profit margins --gasp!—in the high single digits will not be tolerated, nor will “We Must Stress Local Coverage!” speeches from publishers who don’t live in their paper’s circulation area.

· Discussion of which starlets exposed what body parts, when and where will not be allowed, nor will discussions of sexual orientation while the nation yet awaits recovery from the news that Lassie was male.

Updates on nothing happening will happen as nothing happens – stay tuned.

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Revealed: Obama Plot

To Bag August!

Obama administration officials remained silent today on an alleged plan to fund health care reform by eliminating the month of August.

Word of the supposed plot first surfaced in conservative internet chat rooms late Monday afternoon, after ObamaOffingOldFolks.net posted excerpts identified as from an internal White House task force memo.

Other conservative web sites soon followed with posts of their own. So-called Mainstream Media, aka Obama Cheerleading Group, ignored the startling revelations.

One posted excerpt said “August elimination would provide immediate across-the-board cost reductions on the order of 8.3 percent minimum, with far greater savings possible in some regions. Cooling costs, for example, would be greatly reduced by eliminating the month of traditional summer ‘Dog Days’ and moving from July right to a cooling September.”

Other posted segments spoke of possible stimulus to the economy if Back-To-School sales were to begin in mid-July, although conservative critics on the blogs were quick to point out that they already do.

Other excerpt postings revealed a very Machiavellian Obama ploy to make his health care scheme a success by artificially inflating life spans: “Immediate movement to an 11-month year would take the 840 months in the Biblical ‘three score and ten’ life span of 70 years and produce a new lifespan of 76.36 years, an improvement slightly over nine percent.”

Conservative bloggers howled that it was just another example of deficit spending that artificially increased a supply without increasing value.

The proposal had apparently been the object of internal Obama administration debate, since another posted excerpt observed that unless Social Security benefit collection ages were also raised, a “geezer bombshell” would hit “an already fragile system whose funds we still need to tap to run the gun confiscation program.”

Conservative broadcast commentators had nothing to say on the issue initially, although some blog posts hinted that CNN’s Lou Dobbs was considering investigating when – and where – the idea was born.

Possible GOP 2012 presidential contenders were also not addressing the issue directly.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was reportedly huddled with advisors exploring the nuances of long division by 11, while former Arkansas governor turned TV pundit Mike Huckabee was said to be considering combination Prayer/Focus groups to seek the Lord’s guidance, or at least some crossover Democrats.

Washington buzzmills had advisers to former vice president Dick Cheney aghast that the no-August year would make their guy seem even older should he choose to make a 2012 resurrection bid, while Mitt Romney’s advocates said he was so distressed by the idea he almost unbuttoned his suit jacket in public.

While conservative outlets on the internet hummed with the startling revelations, liberal blogs were more relaxed, saying it was just another example of Obama Administration innovation and “thinking outside the box.”

“The private calendar industry has had a stranglehold for too long on the American people!” one liberal blogger posted, adding that a public-funded calendar would “provide needed competition and keep things Honest.”

That post was subsequently removed by the blog’s administrators who explained that civil political discourse forbade the use of the H-word.

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They Frustrates Obama Officials

On Health Care, Other Fronts

WASHINGTON – Frustrated Obama administration officials have begun blaming lack of Health Care Reform progress on deliberate misinformation spread by the shadowy but powerful group They.

“They and its sister organizations exert a pervasive and evil influence in the public debate,” said a Justice Department spokesman queried about the group. He declined to add detail or to confirm a rumored impending probe.

Other senior administration officials would speak only on conditions of anonymity.

“You never know what They are going to do next,” complained one White House insider. “We announce funding for end-of-life care and counseling and it becomes “They said the administration is going to establish death panels.”

Another senior official complained “We are paying more of our economy for health and getting less than any other advanced nation, but every time that comes up, They howl that we’re proposing socialized medicine.”

Asked why an administration that has made a point of talking with adversaries hasn’t had a chat with They, the official exploded ”Chat? Chat with who? Who are They? We never get a name, a face or even an e-mail – all we know is that every time we propose something, we soon hear ‘They say it’s never going to fly.’”

Officials also blamed the mysterious They organization for persistent rumors that President Obama isn’t a naturally born American citizen and plans to confiscate all guns.

“It drives me nuts!” said one White House staffer. “I can be back home, sitting in the local bar and the guy next to me says ‘You know, they say that feller wasn’t even born in the USA, so how can he even have that job? And they say he’s gonna take our guns as soon as he can.’

“I can explain what a bunch of mindless crap that is over the next two drinks, but it always ends with the guy saying ‘Still, that’s what They say.’”

No Obama administration official discussed on or off the record rumors of an anti-They initiative to begin after the congressional summer recess. Still, informed sources said the program was in its final discussion stages and would use the tactics They use against it.

The working name is said to be “The Hell They Said” and it will be an effort to give an alternative to the “They say” conspiracy that now clouds debate on health reform, gun control, tax reform, foreign policy and other arenas.

One observer, not part of the Obama inner circle, but still well connected, was asked when the rollout might officially be announced.

“I’m not certain,” he said “but I hear mid-September is what They say.”

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