EXCLUSIVE!
Trump’s Kremlin Performance Review
WASHINGTON (LBS) -- President Trump’s Wednesday Oval Office meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and ambassador Sergey Kislyak was closed to American media because the Russians were giving Trump a copy of his first performance review. The review, by Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin, covers the first four months of Trump’s work for the Russian Federation.
Although there were three “excellent” rating of Trump’s performance qualities, other ratings dragged the overall performance level to a C-minus.
Nonetheless, pictures of the meeting distributed by the Russians show all three men smiling broadly, leading some analysts to conclude results were better than expected. Sources familiar with Russian Federation employee management practices say thrice-yearly routines are the norm, suggesting President Trump will be reviewed twice more in 2017.
Russian Federation agent sources upset about what they described as preferential treatment provided LBS with a copy of the review:
Russian Federation Agent
Performance Review
ности работы агента РФ
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Agent Info Информация об агенте
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EMPLOYEE NAME
Имя агента
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Donald J. Trump Дональд Дж. Трамп
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DEPARTMENT
отдел
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Useful idiots Полезные Идиоты
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EMPLOYEE ID
Идентификация сотрудника
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0011600
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REVIEWER NAME
Имя рецензента
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Vladimir Putin Владимир Путин
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POSITION HELD
Занимаемая должность
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President of The United States Президент Соединенных Штатов
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REVIEWER TITLE
Название рецензента
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President of the Russian Federation Президент Российской Федерации
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Last Review Date
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2017, 01-20
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TODAY'S DATE сегодняшняя дата
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2017, 05-09
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Characteristics
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QUALITY
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UNSATISFACTORY
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SATISFACTORY
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GOOD
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EXCELLENT
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Works to Full
Potential
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Already much
more influence on U.S. policy than we dared to dream.
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Quality
of Work
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Barely
Satisfactory. Needs to pay more attention to presentation and optics; control impulse to speak more than instructed.
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Work
Consistency
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Needs
improvement. More time in White House, less time on Бог проклятый golf course! We're paying for 24/7 service and not getting it!
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Communication
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Outstanding!
Sounds confused and confusing at same time, certain only of own certainty. Calls dignity of office into constant question.
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Independent
Work
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Strays off
leash now and then ( Obama wiretaps, syria bombing!) but generally follows Moscow line.
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Takes
Initiative
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No, thanks be to
God!
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Group Work
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Only if
everyone else in the group sings his praises constantly.
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Productivity
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Not getting
programs we want done, but not getting programs we oppose done either.
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Creativity
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Although it
admittedly works, running years-old con shows lack of creative spark.
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Honesty
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Remarkable!
Once bought, stays bought!
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Integrity
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See above!
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Coworker Relations
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Takes this
"You're fired!" stuff too far.
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Client Relations
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Still excites
minority who voted for him, still enrages majority who didn't.
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Technical Skills
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Proficient
twitter typist, although content needs attention.
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Dependability
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Very poor impulse control.
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Punctuality
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Improved since
White House staff installed clocks on all mirrors.
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Attendance
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Always there in
body -- mind sometimes not.
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GOALS
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ACHIEVED GOALS SET IN PREVIOUS REVIEW?
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Got elected. Required our constant help, but achieved goal nonetheless. On the American grading system C- overall.
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GOALS FOR NEXT REVIEW
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End sanctions, give us free hand in Ukraine and Syria.
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COMMENTS
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Вы не можете сделать шелковый кошелек из уха свиньи! –VP
(You can not make a silk purse from the pig's ear!)
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EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE
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REVIEWER SIGNATURE
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