Weekend Tids and Bits

Best Little Whatchacallit In Texas? – The brass at the Dallas Morning News are at pains to make us understand that just because some editorial section leaders will now report to advertising/sales “general managers,” it doesn’t mean that the editorial product is for sale. Oh, no, not indeed. Why that’s just as obvious as noting that women who wear skimpy outfits and  congregate in houses are just trying to avoid heat stroke, or that flashy-dressing guys who seem to know lots of girls looking for dates are just crusaders against loneliness. Those journalists who object to the fate of this once-proud newspaper are just stuck in the old-fashioned, anti-marketing thinking that if it looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk, it’s probably a skunk. Shame on them! (Subject to marketing approval, of course.)

---

More Marketing Tips and Tactics –  Prostitutes in Copenhagen were upset when officials sent mailed warnings to hotels. The warnings advised attendees at the United Nations Climate Change Conference not to patronize the ladies.  So the ladies let it be known that any delegate to the conference that starts Monday who shows up with one of those warning cards, credentials  and certain needs will have those need met – on the house, reports Spiegel Online.

---

Guys never had to worry about the issues addressed by Ogden Nash in his famous couplets titled “What’s the use?”

Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance . . .
Have you seen yourself retreating?

But the New York Times is reporting on a company, Bonobos, that wants to make the male rear-view fit, well, uh, fitter. Read the Times article here.  Possible upside: At last, a way for a guy to pose the question “Honey – do these slacks make me look fat?” Possible downside: A straight answer.

---

Look For The Silver Lining Award Nominee has got to be the news that burglaries are down. Are citizens still getting chewed over by the recession maintaining their honesty anyway? Or are their fellow citizens staying home more because they’re also out of a job, thus denying more burglars the privacy they need to work?

---

Have a great weekend!

###

But, But, Butt. . .

Citizens of the world learned this week that President Obama has developed an exit strategy for America’s years-long war in Afghanistan and that models for Victoria’s Secret fashion shows need 20 layers of butt makeup before wiggling theirs down the runway.

Guess which fact will be remembered next week.

The United States Senate voted to guarantee present Medicare benefits and we learned that Tiger Woods may have played a few holes off his home course.

Guess which news is getting more attention.

Then, President Obama Thursday held a jobs summit, and called for “every demonstrably good idea” that might increase jobs. So as a patriot and 62-year-old retiree, I looked for training to be a butt makeup artist.

Couldn’t find any available training, although a trip to the supermarket showed lots of potential business. Trouble is, none of their owners seemed to be prospective customers and anyway, I already know how to use a paint roller.

Since I couldn’t find any really worthwhile work to do, I thought about how the new, ubiquitous, unforgiving spotlight of modern media has turned public discourse into an endless round of debate between :Show Me Yours Because I’m Gonna Show You Mine, and I’ve Shown You Mine, Now Show Me Yours, vs the traditionalists Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine and the modernists, who simply bellow “Show!”

And I’ve concluded that there are a lot of things that most of us would rather not know.

My fantasies and I not only do not need to know, we do not want to know that the glorious female bottom bounding down that runway is a five-member team effort. It would only remind us that living up to those fantasies would involve a lots bigger team, most from the Mayo Clinic.

Any golfer who has tried – and failed – to make shots that Tiger Woods makes routinely, is lots more interested in Tiger’s fundamentals than his fun. Never mind that Mrs. Woods used a club to break an SUV’s window, and never mind speculating why she would do that, what club did she use? Is a 3-iron enough, or do you need a wood?

The great gushing maw of the internet will probably answer those questions in the next 60 seconds and the pundits assembled will tell us how lucky we are to have all sorts of information about all sorts of things available all the time,

And they may be right, but, but…

###

Hell’s Hints, Dints and Dings

Satan was in a fine foul mood the other day, cursing his entourage with comments, observations and advice for various humans and their organizations. Festerous Pimple, our Hell correspondent, shares his notes here by topic.

GOLFERS:

·        Verify that it’s the correct hole before taking out club and balls.

·        Too much club can spoil SUV shots.

·        You’ve got to give out the real score eventually.

SECRET SERVICE:

·        Things are not always as they seem.

·        “Trust – but verify.”

·        If that’s the level of service, it should be secret.

UNITED STATES SENATE:

·        “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.”  ~Mark Twain

·        That’s also the only way to pass Health Care Reform

MAINSTREAM MEDIA:

·        From flush times to flushing times.

MIKE HUCKABEE:

·        Pardon me?

MITT ROMNEY:

·        Batteries included.

SARAH PALIN:

·        Brains sold separately.

AL GORE:

·        Warmest wishes.

AFGHAN AGRICULTURE:

·        The Audacity of Dope

AFGHAN SURGE:

·        Dreams From My Predecessor

TEA PARTY:

·        Republicans serving neither tea nor party

LOU DOBBS:

·        CNN, CNBC, C-Me! C-Me!

PRESIDENT OBAMA’S NEXT CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:

·        No We Didn’t!

###

A Vote That Really Counts

Wealthy politicians are often accused of buying elections, but most actual voters don’t get a dime, a problem so scandalous it begs for solution, offered here as a public service.

When New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg got elected to a third term this month, a New York Times story later said he spent $174 per voter, about $102 million. If you voted for him, did you get any of that $174?

According to the Times, Mayor Bloomberg’s cost-per-vote was $112 in 2005 and a mere $99 in 2001, but if you’re a three-time Bloomberg voter, the total is $385 – you see any of that?

Sure, Mayor Mike is a billionaire and it was his own money, but why should it go to only the advertising guys and those political consultants?

Across the river in New Jersey, Governor Jon Corzine, another billionaire, spent lots of his own money on a senate seat, then on his first term as governor, finally spending more of his own money to lose out on a second term. The total estimated tab for the three ventures is around $122 million.

Since I live in New Jersey, I can testify that the ordinary voter didn’t see that cash, even to wave as it roared by.

Which brings us to a proposal to reform campaign finances, increase voter turnout and finally make the benefits of democracy tangible.  I call it the GAMBLE method (Gaming And Manipulation By Legal Enticement).

Under the GAMBLE method, anyone seeking public office would be allowed to spend whatever they wanted from whatever source, but all spending would have to be matched dollar-for-dollar by contributions to a VIP (Voter Incentive Purse). Here’s how it would work in a make-believe matchup of Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Corzine, using the amounts they are said to have spent on November’s decision:

VIP INCOME (millions)

Michael Bloomberg        $102

Jon Corzine                   $ 22.6

Total VIP                       $124.6

Now suppose one million went to the polls and Bloomberg won with 55 percent of the vote. Under GAMBLE, the 550,000 who voted for Bloomberg would be entitled to 55 percent of the VIP, or about $124.60 per voter. It wouldn’t be fair to shut Corzine voters out entirely from the benefits of democracy, so GAMBLE would award losing candidate voters half a share, $62.30.

Of course, there’s $28,035,000 left over, but that would cover the mechanics of getting checks to the voting public, plus other customary administrative costs. (Maybe even a school lunch or two, but let’s not make wild promises.)

Critics will charge that this encourages buying elections, but if you have to match every dollar you give to some guy with a beautiful suit and hideous soul with another buck to GAMBLE, even billionaires will tone it down.

Those who worry about declining voter turnout will be able to see near-100 percent turnouts when voters finally get something out of the deal besides higher taxes.

Even the political consultants and advertising gurus should rally behind GAMBLE, since it is certain protection against reform efforts that would abolish their income completely. There’s plenty to share, folks.

GAMBLE is a win-win for everyone in politics and deserves your support – call your elected representatives today!

###

Merry Media Make Believe!

Merry Media Make Believe! We’re now at that magical time between Thanksgiving and the New Year when the elves in Media’s workshop turn out stories they make believe are important, and good little girls and boys make believe that they are interested in them.

These stories are usually touching or amazing tales, especially touching and amazing to those who have to fill blank newsprint or empty air minutes. That’s because modern Journalism has copied Best Practices from egg farms--- those who don’t produce get to pursue other interests, generally broiling, baking, and frying.

Here’s a sampling of the latest:

IRAN DEFIANT ON NUCLEAR PROGRAM – And how, a little child might ask, is this different from all the other times Iran has been defiant on its nuclear program? To which an adult might answer “Shaddup, Kid! We’re trying to make merry here!”

NEW AFGHANISTAN STRATEGY TO BE ANNOUNCED,  a perennial favorite dating back decades to when the Soviet Union held the New Afghanistan Strategy franchise. Then the Bush Administration took over announcing new strategies, followed by the Obama Administration.  The Afghans themselves stick to a strategy that has worked for a couple of thousand years, which would prove them backward and not innovative if it didn’t keep winning.

SHOPPERS THRONG STORES generally surfaces just before and after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. Sometimes the shoppers throng for a few bargains or to return another testimonial to Aunt Milly’s lousy taste, but mostly shoppers throng because that’s what they do. And reporters report the annual thronging because that’s what they do. Ain’t Nature wonderful?

CELEBRITY INDISCRETION may always be counted on to provide grist for the mill based on the formula “Celebrity (Name) is reported to (pick one):

n  Have had a disagreement with spouse, lover, publicist, the law or some combination.

n  Have patched over a disagreement with spouse, lover, publicist, the law or some combination.

n  Make a living by doing stupid things so that stupid folk may write about them for the entertainment of the stupid readers.”

HOLIDAY TRAVEL CLOGGED by airport delays, crowded highways, bad weather, and the repeated amazement expressed that those who travel in the busiest travel season of the year, which happens to be in late fall and early winter,  encounter delays and congestion.

TOUCHING HOLIDAY STORY recipe is one part surprise, one part engaging protagonist and one part joy or tragedy; mix well, garnish with photos or video and serve.

But above all, Merry Media Make Believe to you and yours!

###