UPDATED Ham On The Lam

Three Little Piggies Went To ???

Authorities remained uncertain about the whereabouts of the three swine-flu-infected pigs from a Minnesota state fair and the pigs say they want to keep it that way, even though officials Monday confirmed that at least one of the porker perps tested positive for swine flu.

Attempts to renew yesterday’s conversation with self-styled pig leader Football weren’t initially successful. All attempts are under anonymous source rules that prevent revealing the pig’s whereabouts or method of communication.

In yesterday’s interview, Football sharply criticized the media coverage that began Friday when the United States Department of Agriculture said preliminary tests showed possible swine flu.

“So we may have swine flu, so what?” said the pig who asked to be identified only as Football. “We’re swine – what’re we supposed to get, chicken pox?”

Authorities speculated the pigs may have been infected by a visiting group of students, a suspicion shared by Football who said “Sneezing and wheezing little brats were everywhere. When are you people going to learn basic sanitation?”

Asked for clarification, Football said “You ever see a pig sneeze into his hand and then touch a doorknob?”

Minnesota and federal authorities have mostly stuck to an explanation that says the pigs at the fair were sent to a slaughterhouse shortly afterward, and Football confirmed that was the suspected destination when he and his companions made their getaway.

“Those little piggies all were going to the Final Market,” Football said “and when me and my buddies figured that out we acted fast.

“We knew you people were suckers for believing your own H1N1 hype, so when we got to the ramp into that truck, we all started hacking and wheezing at the herders, who backed off in a panic. That’s when we made our break.”

Football wouldn’t say exactly how he and his fellow escapees managed to leave the fairgrounds except to say cryptically that “there were enough politicians around to hide in plain sight.”

Asked to share details of their future plans, Football would only snort and squeal, a move he later confided had been copied wholesale from the Republican National Committee. He added that he and his fellow escapees hoped to meet others in the wilderness of northwestern Minnesota, banding together for mutual defense and support.

“We hear there are some moderate Republicans in those woods,” Football said “and we hope to make common cause against the oppression and persecution of our peoples.”

Told that public fears were based on the pigs spreading the flu virus they had probably acquired from humans back to more humans, Football’s squeal of laughter went on for seconds before he was able to gasp “You mean like from close personal contact?”

The squealing resumed until Football again got enough control to add “Look Pal, if there’s any personal contact, it won’t start from us. And I think I’m speaking for all pigs when I say you can tell any human who wants that to eat me!”

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