Moderate GOP Strategy Emerges

Move Over, Snail Darter!

Informed sources say moderate Republicans are giving serious consideration to a plan that would have the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declare them an endangered species.

The plan would have the Department of The Interior unit begin the long process that would protect embattled GOP moderates from predators, both human and Conservative Republican.

Rumors of the plan first surfaced when a moderate Republican candidate in New York’s 23^rd congressional district withdrew from the race and threw her support to the Democratic candidate in Tuesday’s election. State Assemblywoman Dierdre Scozzafava decided to drop out when she found fellow Republicans favoring Conservative Party Candidate Doug Hoffman. She endorsed her former opponent, Democrat Bill Owens.

Scozzafava drew the attention of Conservative GOP predators by supporting abortion rights, union rights and gay marriage – sure-fire ways to attract Conservative Republicans on their nightly journeys from the 18^th century to feed.

Moderate GOP strategists found much to like in the Endangered Species Act strategy, which would allow them to mount defenses on several important fronts. Since the designation as an endangered species intends to preserve the unique qualities of a group, it would defend against moderate Republicans simply being absorbed by the Democrats.

Endangered Species Act designation would also help moderate Republicans defend their environment from the pollution spilling from Mount Limbaugh and other active brimstone-spouters.

Still, political observers were quick to point out that Endangered Species designation can take at least 18 months and often much longer, time that moderate Republicans don’t really have as they try to withstand repeated attacks from both Conservative Republicans and Liberal Democrats.

Besides the 23^rd district in New York, the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia are also up for grabs, as well as state referendums on gay marriage in Maine and on casinos in Ohio, all highlighting the dangers to another species, Mass Media Pundits. That breed of pundits feeds on controversial races, and in an election with few races of any sort, the lack of fodder is beginning to take its toll.

Observers say they are able to hear fewer and fewer pundits during the daily howl ritual, which must indicate that many are no longer able to feed.

While there has been talk of government intervention on the Mass Media Pundits’ behalf, many elected officials feel that this is a case where natural selection must be allowed a free hand.   

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