Top Secret Confabs Exclusive!

Congress Faces Ethics Threat

Top Secret bipartisan meetings are being held by Congressional leaders determined to nip in the bud an ethics incident that has them terrified. “This sort of thing could shut down Congress!” said one senior representative who only spoke with reporters present on condition of anonymity.

“It’s a threat to the Republic,” agreed another senator, also demanding anonymity and helpfully explaining “it’s got to be airtight, just like a sealed indictment.”

Their topic was first-term Republican Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana, who stunned both parties when he became the only Republican to join 219 Democrats in voting for the Health Care Bill in the House.

Crossing party lines is frowned on upon in both houses of Congress, where tight party loyalty is the mud that lets the legislative wheels spin vigorously without actually getting anywhere. It’s also the basis for many warm, personal relations with lobbyists and others who contribute to good government, or at least to government that’s good to them.

“You have to look at more than just Cao’s vote to see the enormity of this threat,” confided a ten-term representative. “Check his motives, the reasons this guy gave – it’s absolutely astounding!”

Cao said in a statement that he voted for the Health Care Bill because "I have always said that I would put aside partisan wrangling to do the business of the people. My vote tonight was based on my priority of doing what is best for my constituents.”

“How the Hell can you do business with ethics like that?” complained one senator who is just a heartbeat or a conviction away from an important committee chairmanship. “Doesn’t he know Congress is about scratching what itches?”

Another leader just shook his head. “You can’t explain itches and scratches to a guy in a hair shirt,” he said to murmurs of agreement.

Although the congressional leaders in the secret meeting did achieve complete bipartisanship in their determination to keep others from going Cao’s ethical route, there was less agreement on the best way to accomplish that.

Democrats favored using tax dollars to get Cao to go away. Republicans wanted the funding to come from the private sector. Efforts to reach a compromise died when the most senior member of Congress in the room roused from what seemed a nap and said “Wait a minute, you guys. You’re all fussing about how to pay this guy to go away, but did you ever stop to think that maybe he can’t be bought?”

Cries of horror and outrage were all reporters were able to record before being firmly ushered out of the meeting room by Capitol Police.

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