‘Much Easier Pickings’

Satan’s Garden of Eden

In The Garden State

Those who wondered where Satan set up shop after he got Adam and Eve booted from the Garden of Eden saw a strong hint yesterday in the federal arrests of three New Jersey mayors, two state assemblymen, five rabbis and mixed bag of other accused totaling 44.

“Not for nothing is it called The Garden State,” smirked Satan, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that his exact New Jersey location not be disclosed. “New Jersey folk are much easier pickings.”

When asked what made New Jersey citizens and politicians easy to corrupt, Satan said “maybe we can do a little business. You know, entrepreneurial stuff, free enterprise, like those mayors.”

The United States Department of Justice press release said Hoboken Mayor Peter Cammarano III was accused of accepting $25,000 in cash bribes, while Secaucus Mayor Dennis Elwell got on the list for accepting a $10,000 cash bribe and Ridgefield Mayor Anthony Suarez was charged with agreeing to accept a $10,000 corrupt cash payment for his legal defense fund.

“Ya gotta think ahead,” Satan said. “Plan for future needs, like that Suarez guy.”

Reminded that prosecutors had plans for those futures, Satan laughed “Yeah, I forgot. . .but say! What about your eternal future? Maybe you need some spiritual guidance. Trust me, I can make you a good deal – I just got five rabbis on the team, take your pick!”

Only two of the five rabbis arrested on money-laundering charges were from New Jersey, but Satan cautioned not to discount the other three because they had not yet reached the Promised Land. “They’re making a good-faith effort,” he said. “It’s wrong to judge someone just on the basis of where they live.”

He said that also applied to those arrested for human organ brokering and money laundering charges.”It’s a service economy,” he added. ”Even the feds bailed out financial guys and brokers. Folks need them, and so do I.”

Most of the other New Jersey figures hauled in for a compulsory chat with the feds were officials looking for campaign cash or other areas of opportunity and Satan was quick with his praise.

“What, you want dummies running your government?” he sneered. “These folks were smart enough to know when opportunity was showing a little leg -- don’t we need government that’s smart?”

Questioned about whether most of the arrested being Democrats would have an effect on the coming New Jersey governor’s race, Satan grew serious. “You know, it is wrong -- absolutely and completely wrong – to judge someone on the basis of their group affiliation,” he said.

“I and others have worked long and hard against this horrible habit of political profiling in New Jersey corruption cases, and your question disturbs me in that you asked it at all.”

Pressed that most of those arrested seemed to have Democratic connections, Satan became visibly angry, shouting “I look forward to the day when New Jersey politicians are judged not on their party identity, but on the content of their character!”

After a couple sulfurous minutes, Satan was asked to clarify that statement. Was there really a “content of their character” difference between New Jersey politicians of different political parties?

Several seconds of thought produced an answer more mellow in tone. “No,” Satan said with a reflective smile. “Not when you put it that way, not really.

“As I said earlier, New Jersey folk are just much easier pickings.”

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