Shocking!

Baby Boomers

Mortal!

World business and financial markets teetered Monday on rumors that the Baby Boomers might be mortal.

Word that the 79 million or so Americans born between 1945 and 1962 might not achieve the “forever young” of their dreams and songs rocked all sort of businesses that were born catering to the ”Be Me” generation and now might face uncertain futures on the prospect that “Be Me” would at last become “Was Who?”

The White House had no reaction to the news that the Baby Boomers might be mortal. Analysts point out that President Obama, who turns 48 on August 4, was unlikely to call attention to impending mortality while trying to peddle national long-term health care.

“Highlighting that Baby Boomers might indeed be mortal would serve no purpose of this administration,” said an Obama confident who requested anonymity because she wasn’t authorized to speak publically on this subject. “The President is not as vigorous on these kinds of bedrock issues as he used to be,” she mused, “but he’s still not all that bad, considering.” Other analysts also pointed out that the president, with a 1961 birth date, has a trailing-edge stance on this issue.

That failed to deter conservative radio hosts who uniformly bellowed ‘How do we KNOW that 1961 followed 1960?”

Efforts to contact older Baby Boomers for clarification were largely unsuccessful, the demands of the news cycle conflicting with long-scheduled nap times.

Some media weighed in with intelligent coverage. A Business Week story on the msnbc website told Monday how Boomers are curtailing spending in the face of advancing age and declining prospects in the Great Recession, which has now been confirmed to be about incomes, not hairlines.

The article explores Boomers turning to saving instead of spending, and notes that some marketers, able to read the Adult Day Care Instructions on the wall, are focusing their efforts on the 20-32 age group. According to the article, Mercedes Benz calls this demographic “Generation Benz.” No German translator was available to confirm suspicions that this is a German phrase for “Mommy and Daddy Ain’t Paying No More.”

Still, Baby Boomers confronting an age-group death rate almost three times what it was in their 40s are retaining an entrepreneurial outlook. A Hoboken, NJ firm, Sleeps With Fishes, has switched its focus from one-at-a-time boutique operations to accommodate a larger clientele facing crowded cemeteries just as they faced crowded schools, suburbs and everything else.

“Youse are gonna get da best,” a spokesman for the firm said.”We don’t got no complaining customers.”

Challenged on that assertion, the Sleeps With Fishes spokesman insisted customers were “so happy they don’t even come up for air.”

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