Online Classless Classifieds

Online ads we’ll never see, but should:

Balls Wanted: Healthy body parts in supports of convictions sought – top prices paid. Unbusted specimens only, please. Contact B. Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC.

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Bondage, Discipline Specialist available for very private sessions in the national interest. Latest techniques and legal opinions. Contact D, Cheney, You Made Me Love You, Inc.

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Calendar Missionaries wanted for work in Red States promoting 21^st-century attitudes. Applicants should be familiar with de facto racial segregation, subjugation of women, disdain for education and other local customs. Marriage to first cousin a plus. Benefits include lynching insurance. Contact Strange Land Strangers.

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Socialist Scum Doctors sought for study sponsored by Republican National Committee. Must exhibit strong desire to heal the sick regardless of ability to pay. Other extreme deviant behaviors a plus. Contact Doctors Without Dividends, c/o RNC.

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Female Patriots Sought for C Street Congressional Christian Fellowship. Must be “hands on” team player energetically creating sins so that they may be forgiven, skilled in “blow-you-away” personal interventions. Those who “sink their teeth into the work” need not apply. Contact Hands That Cradle The Rocks, Inc.

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Forward-thinking Newspaper Executives sought for industry-sponsored study on “Newspapers In the 21^st Century.” Should have heard of the internet, but will provide skill-training for the right candidates. Handwritten three-carbon-copy resumes only please. Contact The Way We Were Association.

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Map Specialists Required for service with US Departments of State and Defense in Iraq and Afghanistan. Proven expertise in Way Out Discovery a plus. Contact Clinton/Gates Endless Tours.

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Sheep Entrails Interpreter sought for consultative work on President’s Council of Economic Advisers. Previous economic experience not required, Owning both sheep and guts a plus.

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Wilderness Guide sought by Republican National Committee. Wanderlust track record and 40-year commitment required. Ability to find ass with both hands above the 50^th percentile a plus.

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Speechifying Teach needed you betcha for potential presidential candidate lady. Moose-skinning skills a plus. Contact Sarah Palin.

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