Doofi, Maybe?

The Doofus Directorate

WASHINGTON – Obama administration officials neither confirmed nor denied talk of creating a Doofus Directorate to include whatever it is that the Federal Trade Commission does.

Washington insiders said the move may be bogged down in a struggle between those supporting a single “Doofus” in the name of the new agency and those insisting that if current staff is retained, there will be more than one Doofus on board, requiring the name Doofi Directorate.

The issue became public Monday, when the FTC, in its first revision of guidelines on endorsements and testimonials since 1980, said bloggers have to disclose any freebies connected with reviews of products or services. Well, they don’t have to exactly, since the FTC guidelines aren’t laws, just suggestions to avoid violating laws.

While ignoring the suggestions could invite a lawsuit, ignoring the FTC itself seems to have ample precedent, since the commission declares on several of its web pages that “As a consumer or business person, you may be more familiar with the work of the Federal Trade Commission than you think.”

Sidestepping the name issue, the proposed Doofus Directorate would continue several key FTC initiatives, including a measured approach to changes in the marketplace. FTC insiders, including many who could expect senior positions in the Doofus Directorate, point with pride to the 29 years it took the agency to update its guidelines.

“Others would have been rushed into hasty action,” said one senior official, “but we didn’t let the dawn of the personal computer age, the internet, cell phones, personal digital assistants, e-mail and the rest rattle our composure.”

Keeping its composure and whatever else the FTC does that the public may be more familiar with than it thinks isn’t free. In its Fiscal 2010 Budget Request, the FTC says it will take $287 million to run the joint, of which it will collect $129 million in fees, leaving taxpayers holding a $158 million bag.

Put another way, the core of the proposed Doofus Directorate will spend $158 to collect every $129 it gets, another source of pride for insiders.

“Why it’s as fine a piece of work as our Do Not Call efforts,” one said

The Do Not Call Registry now administered by the FTC, would be another key part of the Doofus Directorate. The registry allows consumers to avoid annoying telemarketing calls except annoying telemarketing calls from “political organizations, charities, and telephone surveyors,” or calls from “an existing business relationship” or calls you’ve agreed in writing to accept.

Since most of the annoying telemarketing calls are still permitted, critics have charged that the registry is similar to the FTC’s consumer complaint process. “Absolutely!” beamed one official clearly angling for a top job in the Doofus Directorate. “We collect consumer complaints and put them in a database, just as we put the names of those who don’t want annoying calls in a database.”

So then what happens? “Nothing,” the official smiled, “Absolutely nothing. As it says on our web site, ‘The FTC does not resolve individual consumer complaints.’”

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