Last Man Standing

Senator Edward M. Kennedy died late Tuesday at 77, and by Wednesday noon the political analysts were circling.

The analysts’ raucous calls about Kennedy’s triumphs and failures were promptly echoed by the scurrying journalistic beetles so committed to “objectivity” and “balance” that they must match someone saying “Today is Thursday” with someone who thinks it’s Friday.

For every quote saying the nation and world had lost a great man, there were quotes about his great appetites. His great love for food, drink, women, friendship and song sometimes embarrassed him with the chattering class.

Well, Tsk!

Let’s do an experiment. Doing an experiment makes something scientific, and the chattering class certainly prefers scientific. Much tidier when compared to plain old living.

Round up 77 men who are 77 years old. Shouldn’t be hard – just wander through a senior center saying “Free drugs and medical care – follow me!” Lead them to a hotel.

When you’ve got your 77 geezers in the hotel, put them in a room and tell them you were just kidding about the free drugs and medical care. They won’t be upset. They’ve been kidded about free drugs and medical care for years.

Now tell them that you’re running a scientific experiment, which always gives outrageous demands a Sunday suit of legitimacy. Announce “All of you who ever flirted or had sex with someone other than your spouse, please leave the room.”

You might consider adding admonitions to do so slowly – crowd control, right?

When that dust clears, say “All those who ever had too much to drink and embarrassed themselves or others please leave the room.”

That should thin things considerably, and you can finish the sweep with the demand “Now anyone who ate to overweight, sang off key and defended friends even when they were wrong leave the room.”

You’ll be alone in that room if all the ones who started in it are honest. As they mill around in the hallway outside, tell them this:

“Most men grab what they can from life, sometimes more than they should. But what makes a real man isn’t the grabbing alone – it’s the work, the building, the giving of yourself when you don’t have to.

“So tell you what – any of you who have supported voting rights, fair housing, civil rights, workplace rights, the rights of the little guy in a big guy’s world, any of you who have done so for 47 years in spite of your weaknesses, please come back into the room.”

You’ll still be alone. Senator Ted Kennedy had no equals. If he were in that room, he’d be the last man standing. Tell them so: “Well, I guess no one here is like Senator Kennedy.”

Then tell them in the loudest voice you can muster, “Friends, a great man has passed from us and we need to raise a glass to the man that he was and to the future he hoped would be. Who knows the way to the bar? I’m buying the first one!”

Be sure to be the last man standing when it’s over.

Then lift one more for him.

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