The End Is Near

The Devil’s In His Details

(Satan has been holding a Seven Deadly Sins performance review and just four demons have survived, including Slow Slug, demon of Sloth, who has been waiting two days to hear his fate as Satan’s punishments for non-performance escalate. See the first meeting minutes here and those of the second here.)

Slow Slug and the demons in charge of Wrath, Envy and Pride filed almost silently into Hell’s Executive Conference Center, each taking seats as far away from the throne at the table’s end as they could.

The feeding of the demons of Greed and Gluttony to the Hellhounds via a woodchipper yesterday had cast a pall, limiting even the joy of working visits to the former demon of Lust, now an open-mouth urinal.

“What I’d like to know,” said Green Goop, the Envy demon, “is what makes Slow Slug so special? Why isn’t he dog meat?”

“Yeah!” snarled Hot Fang, the demon of Wrath. “He screwed up and he’s still sitting here. It almost makes my blood boil!”

“Gentlemen! Please!” said Top Fop, the demon of Pride. “We must be better than that!”

“Actually, you must be worse than that,” Satan said as he appeared at the head of the table. “We are a performance-driven organization, are we not?”

Four surprised heads nodded eagerly. Where the Devil had he come from?

“And what is the drive behind our performance?” Satan prompted.

“Basics!” came the chorus.

“Basics indeed!” sneered Satan, “and besides unveiling the delights that await our friend Slow Slug, we need to continue reports. Do we have a volunteer?”

The demons all developed a sudden fascination with their toes.

“Tsk!” said Satan. “Such damned modesty! But we must begin, so we’ll award pride of place to Top Fop.”

The demon of Pride forced a smile.

“Come, come Fopsie, make us proud!” Satan prompted.

Top Fop launched into a detailed explanation of how the world of fashion and the drive to be fashionable had worked to foster pride, concluding “They dress for success, taking pride in their appearance!”

“So you say,” Satan said in seeming boredom, then turned to the demon of Wrath. “But come, Hot Fang, what have you to say?”

“Plenty!” roared the demon. He told of endless wars, ongoing hate, acts of anger ranging from a blared horn in traffic to murder. “Anger rules!” he shouted in conclusion.

“No, actually, I do,” Satan said with quiet malice. “But let’s carry on – Green Goop, share how you’ve fostered Envy, won’t you?”

“Divide and conquer!” Green Goop chortled.”Those that haven’t envy those that have, who envy those that have more, until those that have most envy those that haven’t for their simple lives. It’s perfect!”

“Hardly,” Satan said, “but hang around, all of you, while I think.” All four demons began dangling from nooses above the conference table.

Demons can’t die, but they can wish they could and as Satan stared into the middle distance, the choking and gurgling above him eventually died down to occasional twitches.

“Of course!” Satan suddenly roared. “Of course!” Looking up he laughed and said “Come, you hangers-on – back to business!” and four demons hit their conference chairs as the ropes disappeared.

“Gentlemen, you have had some small success,” Satan said as the demons rubbed raw necks, “but what you need is organization, rules, committees. You must optimize the cross-pollination of workflows and processes through mutually interdependent planning and execution of strategies focused on cross-supported goals!”

The demons looked at him dumbly.

“After all, it is a vital part of…?” Satan prompted.

“Basics?” came the muted, uncertain reply.

“Basics!” Satan said. “So here’s your new organization. Hot Fang, in addition to Wrath, you now have the Lust portfolio. You’ll report to Green Goop, who will also be personally responsible for Greed as Well as Envy. Green Goop will report to Top Fop, who will continue with Pride and adds Gluttony to his portfolio, as well as Sloth.”

“But! But!” started the demons in protest.

“Don’t thank me, lads” Satan said. “We’re just belt tightening, right-sizing and becoming lean and mean. Besides, I believe you’re familiar with the alternate process?”

They were all too familiar, especially when Satan added flushing and woodchipping sounds to the background noise.

“One more thing,” Satan added. “To promote the right spirit, the failure of any one of you will mean the punishment of all. That’s why we have such a tight leadership and reporting structure. Hot Fang reports to Green Goop who reports to Top Fop.”

“So Top Fop’s in charge?” whined Green Goop, practicing his envy skills.

“Hell’s Bells no!” Satan smirked. “To get the results I wanted, I had to find someone best suited to lead this great team. Gentlemen, I give you your top executive, Slow Slug!”

“But he’s never accomplished anything!” Hot Fang howled.

“Precisely!” Satan laughed. “Carry on, gentlemen – see you soon!”

###